Feeling out of Touch

Listening to epic music and playing WoW, that’s what my life has boiled down to.  The music built into the game isn’t epic enough so I downloaded the Conan the Barbarian, Final Fantasy Tactics, FF XII, and Lord of the Rings soundtracks.  So, if that’s not epic I don’t know what is.

Still feeling the funk that it is my life though.  Got the whole FWB thing that I’m not happy about but still going along with for some reason…which makes me a terrible person.

I want to win the lottery.  Not so I can be rich mind you, but so I can just buy some land and start a cult.  Not one of those creepy "kill ourselves" cults but an actual spiritual font of wealth centered around animism and getting in touch with nature, primal howling, primal drumming, maybe cactus juice (it’ll quench ‘ya).  Just the whole feeling out of touch with the rest of the world and maybe a more primitive approach to life is what is in order.

At any rate I’ve pretty much given up on humanity.  Or at least specifically the people that make up humanity.  Even those that composed my tribe have since fallen out of grace with what I expected of them, leaving only two or three people still in the tribe such as it is.  And that fills me with rage.  There’s just a sense of disillusionment surrounding me right now.  Everyone around me seems to be turning to drugs, something I’m not sure is a good idea.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve done drugs in the past, but they are not a way to reach any kind of enlightenment to any situation, they just cloud judgement.

What I need is…well…I suppose I have all that I need.  But what I want is someone to make me feel like I have an actual place in the world at large instead of existing somewhere on the outside of it peering in from time to time.

Makes me feel pretty lonely.  Sitting outside all the time, watching everyone do their thing and here I am.  Doing nothing, going no where, which is what I want oddly enough because my life I’m perfectly content with in terms of monetary value, comfort, and stability.  To go any further would be to risk unbalance, where here the wheel pulls equally in all directions.

But I still don’t feel connected to anything.  Almost like I’m not real, I don’t belong here.  as if there is something out there calling me away from here and to some other place…but I don’t know where that place is.  It might not even be a physical place, and probably isn’t, God knows I’ve moved enough times to determine that physical relocation isn’t my answer.  But everywhere I turn the only answer I get is to look inward and there I will find the answers.  Unforunately the last time I look inward I broke my brain.  And let me tell you that sucked.

I still feel somewhat hollow after that experience.  Especially when the inward and peaceful meditation told me to kill myself and spare the world.  Nothing keeps me grounded any more, my thoughts just keep racing and racing and racing interrupting each other, not making sense, coming together in ways that shouldn’t make sense.  Yet, there they are, colliding inside my head, making me feel more estranged than I already am, keeping me trapped in my skull, afraid to be me.  Because I’m scary.  So I’m someone else, I’ve gotten good at that over the years, though the more time people spend around me the more they see that I am two people.

I just need to get some good quality sleep minus the nightmares I think, good luck with that.

–RK