What Made The Adult Me

In 1981 after I was discharged from the Navy, *CA* and I moved back to the SF Bay Area and moved in with my parents for a short time.

This being in the midst of the biggest recession (until 2008) jobs were scarce. I worked a few jobs as sandwich maker, Dump truck driver delivering topsoil, and as an assistant for a carpet cleaning company. *CA* and I moved into a rented house and proceeded to try to live.
I do not remember a lot of what happened during the period of early 1981 until that day in June, 1982 when *CA* left me.
I cannot remember if there were any discussions forewarning me that there were serious issues with our relationship prior to the one in the late winter of 82 when *CA* told me she was leaving me. She told me she was going to divorce me but had to stay and save for her new place and we would have to live in the same house for a period of time before she actually moved out.
I remember being floored by this announcement as like I said, I had no clue anything was wrong.
There is a lot I am leaving out that has bearing on what happened but I will focus on what *CA* did tell me then. She said she was afraid of me and was concerned about my drug use. We had each dabbled a little with speed but I remember it being occasional and she was right there with me for the most part and had never voiced concerns before.
She did as she promised, we lived together in our house, we slept in the same bed, hell, we even went to a concert and a couple blockbuster movie premiers… surreal.
She left on June 19, 1982 which was a Saturday. In fact my birthday happens to be on June 19th.
*CA’s* BF *Red* was dating this guy that worked for a family owned carpet cleaning company. We had all met and got along and I began to work with him full time about a month before. A lot of business was done on Saturdays and this Saturday they needed me to come to work. It was  a couple of jobs and it would take about a half a day. I woke up that morning, got ready and went to work.
I got back to the house and when I walked into the house I walked into an empty of all furniture house… The only thing in the house were my clothes, and my stereo system. Everything else, couch, dishes, everything to set up a home was gone.

With many years of reflection, I now know that on that day I went insane.
I remember I was screaming, pounding the walls, crying, my whole world had just spun into a black hole.
Anyone who knows me knows how much music plays in my life, for the next few day I curled up in a sleeping bag on the living room floor and listened to classical music. Classical was all I could listen to, if I tried to listen to my favorite music, (classic rock)  it would remind me of the world I had just lost.

*CA* had her brother serve me with the divorce papers and I signed w/o any fighting. All I wanted was her and I cared nothing for any property or belongings.
After we divorced i went on an 11 year project to either kill the pain with drugs or to die. I was too chickenshit to take any direct action to end my life but I also had the attitude that if I did die, well, the pain would end…