Preparing To Land

I haven’t written anything in a while. Like last time, I got tired of seeing the emotional shit show that my life is, in print.

But I have been feeling the need to vent so…

*CA* and I are still in touch. We regularly email each other at least two times a week, often more.
She will even just drop me a line when she gets home from her weekly trips to our hometown. Usually a quick line like
“Just got home, from Pin*le, more later.” Just the thought of taking a moment to ease my concern is touching.
So anyway, when we first reconnected a year ago and after she told me she still loved me, well, that sent me into a tailspin.
We have “attended” four online streaming concerts together, and are almost daily emails, etc.
She is married to someone she does not live with and from what very little she has said, it does not sound like there is any kind of relationship.

What does she want?

I know it is driven by my desire to somehow have a “fairy tale come true moment.” But it is also driven by my need to know where I stand with her. She says we are friends but as mentioned before, sometimes what she writes…

All this lead to, I believe, me developing Limerence; ” a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one’s feelings reciprocated”

Last week an email was sent and I asked her in a roundabout way that question. Her reply was quizzical and she said she did not understand what I wanted but she said I was funny, smart, and she enjoyed talking to me. She also said that by reconnecting she was provided with a “new path.”

Okay, how do you think that sounded to me?
I replied, trying to tease a little more out of her and was hit with this:

“New path meaning after all these years we were able to find a way to move on and become friends. Don’t read too much into it. *rme*”

That stung. But it did not hurt like I was afraid it was going to.

I think I am slowly pulling out of the Limerence. I am eating better, I have gained a little of that weight back ( got to watch that) and I am sleeping a little better.

The last email I received from her was on Friday after our New Path exchange. In closing she said have a great weekend which sounded a little like ” no emails this weekend.” Except as mentioned before, she sent me an email Saturday night letting me know she was home safe.

I still have this urge to emotionally lay myself bare before her and settle the question once and for all but I know that is just stupid.

So I will just continue to glide along and if I can land safely, it will have been a very eventful flight.