My first wander

I used to Blog, not for any great reason, I would just get the urge now and then, to Blog as well.   That was back in the good old days, when some parts of the Internet weren’t trying to sell me something; or send me copious e-mails about how great whatever I was doing was going to be, with help and purchases of course.

So why now, after more years than I care to mention?   No idea.   Frustration? Anger? Pain? Loss? All the above plus mindless numbers of similar adjectives?  Who knows.   Actually I sort of do, I have an inkling but don’t really want to share it, less it may label me, probably will anyway of course.

I’m sixty-seven years of age and have worked most of those years, starting at fourteen.   A large part of the time I have done work I was good at, rather than work I enjoyed, it paid better, and that was what you were supposed to do.   That is not to say I have always disliked work, I have had a couple of jobs which were very fulfilling, just too short.

I have had two marriages, one unsuccessful [otherwise I’d be a polygamist] which was mostly my fault, and one successful, mostly due to my wife.

[Look, I still like paragraphs].

My ‘formative’ years were spent in an abusive environment, not alone in that, there’s more than you think.  Depression is an old friend by now, just without the fun personality, self-harm jumped across decades, and my one attempt at suicide [when I was fourteen] was an abject and embarrassing failure.   Lately my mind has started to fail me, and I have been introduced to further horsemen of mental health namely anxiety, panic and paranoia [told you this would label me].

What else?   I have a traitorous heart [two heart attacks and and irregular beat].   I never listen to it any more unless it’s about telling my wife how much I love her, that’s heart, not a physically buggered pump.   Bald as a coot, since I was nineteen.   I had a “Bobby Charlton” for several years, shoulder length hair on one side…you get the picture.   Eventually I stopped caring and shaved the lot.

On reflection, that’s probably enough on reflection…