toysrus kid

so i’ve been wrestling with this one for awhile and against the advice of my friends, not just putting things in the past and walking away. i’m just too damn nostalgic. i’m 25 years old and i still miss high school when most of my friends i think are glad to forget it. what’s wrong with wanting to hold on to some defining moments in life and the people who were there to help make them? is there something wrong with letting moments from the past be a part of what defines me today? i just don’t understand how some people can just…. put it all aside, pretend it never happened, like…. like they want to separate themselves from it all.

this past spring and this summer i’ve been struggling trying not to have my feelings hurt by unintentional actions. maybe i should just be mad at myself. not mad. mad’s too strong. disappointed in myself. i’ve written plenty of times before about how i had to do a lot of my growing up years after most people did. i was definitely behind the learning curve. for my entire four years of high school and the first two years of college my boyfriend was my best friend. we shared every big milestone, every joke, and every infamous story together. i know that after two people break up there is nothing wrong with the both of you moving on with separate lives. that’s natural. but what do you do when that person was so much more than a boyfriend? and i don’t mean more in like a "he’s so special, we’re soul mates" kinda way. i mean more as in he fulfilled so many more roles than just a boyfriend normally does. we had the exact same sense of humor. more than a million inside jokes. the same interests. knew all eachother’s soft spots.

so what are you suppose to do when you break up? lose your best friend and start completely over? that sucks. i don’t want to do that. who am i suppose to talk to when i want to laugh about an old "remember when"? or complain about something only they understand. or simply ask advice from because very few know me as well as they do. i’m nostalgic, remember? i really miss this connection to my past that i feel is still such a big part of who i am. its just a hole that i’m trying too hard to fill when, like my friends repeatedly tell me, i just need to walk away no hard feelings.

moving on is definitely happening though, like it or not. mylove and i have relocated 6 hours away from everyone. and wonderboy is getting married i think in like 2 weeks. it makes me sad we won’t be there for eachother’s big milestones. i wish he knew how happy i was for him. i think he really had become a completely different person. and its taken me months to accept that and realize that that’s ok, whether i like this new person or not. i hope that everything he’s doing and his whole wedding is everything he’s ever wanted. i’m hurt that i can’t be there. but i think that part of following my friends’ advice is getting over those hurt feelings because if i’m honest with myself, they’re kind of selfish. he’s freaking getting married. there are definitely other things he should be thinking about and making sure are right in his life.

as far as inviting him to my wedding…. i would have loved for the old wonderboy to be there. but i think he really is a different person now and just wouldn’t understand the invite or have the same great time as the old him.

bittersweet i guess.