toxic thoughts

i wrote this yesterday in a very falling apart state. i was being completely over the top dramatic, crying for like an hour and everything. through the tears, i typed it up on his computer and was going to leave it there for him to read when he got home. i only got up enough nerve to make it a private entry originally. today things are clearer. to make in public, i put nicknames in. oh and baby = current boyfriend who i yet to have a nickname for.

ps – things are better now. perspective.

Baby I needed to talk to you because you are my best friend. And i’m in a completely morbid mood. I shouldn’t talk to you about this at all or demand that you be understanding. But everything inside me needs to hear you say that you love me and that we’re happy and I’m normal. I should be going to somebody else to get such selfish comfort. But when you sleep with everyone you get close to, it kind of limits your options. As selfish as this is and as terrible as I feel asking it of you, I need you to be my friend. I need you to trust me enough to know that I love you so much. I’m so selfish. I should always protect you from how I’m feeling right now and the thoughts that are running through my brain and how my body is reacting to them. But you are my best friend. And you somehow know me better than anybody else. So I’m coming to you and telling you all of this hoping you’ll tell me exactly what I need to hear.

Why should I feel like wonderboy needs to protect me from all of the details of his life? Why can’t I handle it? I’ve wanted us to just be normal friends for years and now that something is going right, I’m questioning so much. Why do I fall apart when I see bite marks on his collar bone? I don’t want him! I want him out of my head! I want to be happy for him! I don’t want to think all of these terrible things and make him feel like shit just for wanting to be happy. Sure he’s stupid. Sure we all think this is going to end badly. Yes part of my warnings come from being protective of him because part of me will always knot up when he’s sad or hurt. But I’m ashamed of how good I am at making someone feel so small and being so judgmental and so self righteous that no matter what he says to explain himself, I always can come back with some sneering, snide remark to cut him down. Why is it my natural reaction to cut him down? If I want to be his friend, why is it my natural reaction to always make him feel like he’s making a mistake.

I don’t want to feel this way. If he tells me he took her out to dinner, my first thought is, “it’s nice he can finally afford to do something he could never do with me.” Every time I see him happy or doing something for somebody else, it makes me angry because, as unhealthy as it may be, my natural reaction is to ask why he couldn’t do that with me? Why he couldn’t put for that effort on us? I was always waiting for us to get better. I spent years pulling my hair out trying to get us back to when we were happy together and nothing ever seemed like it was good enough to get us back there. Every fiber of my being knows that nothing ever worked because we were done. The us we were trying to get back was done. And even if we acted exactly how we did when everything felt perfect and we were happy, it wouldn’t be good enough now. We are not the same anymore. Why I can’t I realize that the same nice things he does for someone else now, are the exact same things he tried to do with us but they weren’t what I needed.

I want to pull my hair out that I can’t accept that because what I have now is everything and more than I ever needed. And you treat me better than I feel like I have ever been treated before. You take care of me. You know how to take care of any need that I have and then some. My whole life needs you. I miss you when you’re gone. When you’re here I just want to sit in your lap and kiss you. My hand misses your hand. Every day you say the stupidest little thing that in reality is probably so insignificant, but it gives me butterflies or makes me laugh or leaves me speechless and in some way makes me feel beautiful, smart, amazing, needed, and loved. I don’t know how you figured me out. But you have. And you’re perfect.

So why is it so hard for me to get my head wrapped around that fact? I don’t want wonderboy. I hated what we were. I hated who I was when I was with him and what he did to my life. I want you. And I don’t want to lose you for something that will never again be what I want.

I want to be normal. And I don’t want this big looming miserable thing from my past to get in the way of my life now anymore. Maybe I did a good job pushing wonderboy out of my life so he would get over me. I’m so glad that he’s figured out a way not to be affected by me anymore. But everything I feel now makes me feel like I never did anything to make sure I wouldn’t be affected by him anymore. The second guessing myself makes me sick to my stomach. And that is so not fair to you that I can’t even begin to explain away how unjustified I feel in writing all of this to you.

I asked wonderboy not contact me for awhile. For our friendship’s sake, he doesn’t need all of my negativity. For my sake, I didn’t need him constantly infecting my head. Its partially my fault. I was so glad to talk to him about something other than us and all of that sadness and negativity, that I encouraged him to tell me about everything else that was going on his life. I thought being able to handle all of the gory details was part of being “normal friends” and that I should be able to handle it all, no problems. But falling apart as I seemed to have done this afternoon proves otherwise.

Tell me its ok that I can’t handle all the details. Tell me it doesn’t mean somewhere down inside I don’t really love you. Because that would be the worst thing in the world to discover. How could I be so unsure of myself. I always know what I want. I don’t want us to go wrong. Is this just fear getting in my way? Tell me I’m not crazy. Tell me I can love you as much as I do and still not be able to handle the details about their ex that a  normal friend can.

Don’t misunderstand me. Don’t think its jealousy. I tried to tell wonderboy that sometimes it was hard to hear the details and he blamed it on jealousy. But I think he wants it to be jealousy because that’s what makes sense to him, that’s what he understands. I don’t want to be her. I don’t want what he’s doing for her or how he feels about her. I’ve had that and it didn’t do it. It didn’t come close to making me feel how you make me feel. I don’t even know if I’m going to give this to you or if I should. But somehow I felt like getting all of this down would take it out of me. Because it just feels toxic. I just want to be

happy with us because us is amazing.