the context of happiness

now that i’ve taken the necessary precautions to make sure i can control who does and doesn’t see what i’m about to write, let me start off by saying that i’m pretty much boringly and ridiculously happy right now.

seriously. my friends at work who usually expect me to come in with some juicey story about the drama in my life at the moment, have actually been telling me lately that i’m boring. and honestly, that only makes me glow even more. i feel normal and stable again. and i’m happy about it. not stir crazy.

first of all, i need to explain that the boy who has pretty much been the source of all of my happiness and all of my angst (been using that word a lot lately) in all of my entries and since i was like thirteen, has finally become just my friend – something we should have figured out years ago.

and we were both heartbroken in coming to the realization that the person that we’ve each spent the better part of a third of our lives thinking was the one has become the person who will always be a best friend but doesn’t work as anything more. that was hard. i hate change. but i have changed. and so has he. we owed it to ourselves to stop trying to fix something that wasn’t broken, only over. that’s incredibly disappointing. it makes you feel like a failure, like a stronger couple could have survived what you faced but you were too weak. for a long time i had to remind myself that ending that relationship didn’t mean i was a failure. in fact, making that decision took strength and courage – to see what else was out there and step out on my own.

but i’m happy now. so it’s hard to see him still struggling. i had a plan b – someone else to look forward to when we ended things. he didn’t. granted he is definitely doing things the right way, learning what it’s like to actually be single, date, and sleep around. those are all healthy things that you should do in college. they are the part of growing up that we missed being in a serious relationship for so long.

he’s just use to so much more. he’s use to having a system of support, a shoulder to lean on that will be there for him unconditionally. he doesn’t have the tough hide that normal boys who have faced plenty of rejection have developed. when he takes a girl out on a few dates, sleeps with her, then doesn’t hear from her again, it hurts him. and i basically feel really shitty being happy with someone else and watching him go through all of this. but i know he’s going through the process and he’s strong too.

so he’s figuring out how to be single and the two of us are learning how to just be friends for really the first time in our lives. we’ve both taken breaks before but those never went well. neither of us stuck to what we said and whenever lonely (emotionally or physically), would resort to calling the other, even if we were actually seeing other people. he will always have a weak spot for me and plenty of times in the past he’s taken advantage of the fact that i have a weak spot for him. when we ended it this time, i decided that we can’t keep doing that to each other. our lives have got to move on. telling him no and seeing him hurt has been incredibly painful and made me feel very selfish. but i cling to knowing that this is the right thing to do for both of us.

ok so i started out this entry with the intentions of telling you why i’m so happy now with only a brief explanation of what has changed. ends up, the explanation has taken up the entire entry. the happy part will come soon, maybe even later tonight.