remember me?

i guess i should update before an entire year goes by.

when you wait this long to say anything, the amount of stuff you have to talk about piles up and that first entry back becomes too daunting to tackle.

that and i’m kinda sorta starting to feel like an adult (minus the currently being unemployed part). don’t get me wrong, there’s still the occasional drama. i mean, come on, its me. but overall things are predictable, sane, almost quiet. there have been some big adult changes. but they seem natural, normal.

two other excuses.

my old od regulars, god how i love them, it seems have also moved on with normalcy. i miss the sense of purpose they gave me.

and, part of growing up is not living full time in your bedroom. i have my own living room now. there’s no more mini fridge next to my bed. and the computer (a desktop to my dismay), is confined to an office. when you’re stuck in one place when pouring your heart out, the flow is hindered (i need a better word there). i use to sit vegged out in front of a ro-com i’ve seen a million times with that faithful bag of oreos and my fingers fluttered away with all that was on my mind. remember that’s always been my reasoning. get it out here and then its no longer wreaking havoc as all those thoughts bounce around, violently colliding in my head.

so here i am and i have 2 ways i could go.

i could update you on all the facts of what has been going on. jobs, relationship, relocations, etc.

or i could update you on all of the feelings. aka just relationships.

you people forget (or don’t care) about that handy dandy counter.

i know that the minds are still inquiring.

i guess i should do both. honestly has always been my policy. hey! quit laughing!

ok so lets get the boring stuff out of the way first.

the last time i updated was last october. at that time, mylove and i had moved into our own house we were renting together. i was working at a terribly grown up (and there for terribly depressing) job that paid the bills but had nothing to do at all with anything i’m interested in, paying me an embarrassingly low wage, at a company that goes against everything i stand for. it is also the first time i’ve worked 40 hours a week and adjusting to the schedule was different.

so i got even more boring. totally domestic. the most exciting things for me were decorating the house for the different holidays, throwing (what turned out to be a huge) christmas dinner party, and hanging out with mylove. didn’t get drunk on my birthday but i did save a bunch of money on my car insurance! and remember that ring i posted. mylove and i had been ring shopping. i thought it was more so for fun. i found that one and it had set the bar. couldn’t find one i liked better. but again, he was still getting his masters. this was all for fun.

so in january we continued our new tradition of renting a cabin in the mountains for a long weekend get away for each other. it was fun. the first day there is always a lot. we always way over pack. i got mad because he was just irrationally insisting on taking his whole tool box. even more frustrating, he wasn’t anywhere around when it was time to lug it out to the truck. that thing is heavy! then getting there, we had to unpack everything. i’m a nester and like everything to have a place. i got grumpy again when i lugged in his tool box and thought it would be fine right by the door. but he made me take it all the way to the 2nd bedroom cause he said it would be out of the way there. by the time we made dinner and were relaxing in front of the fire with a bottle of wine, i didn’t want to move. so i was really annoyed when he kept pestering me to go for a walk. but i finally gave in. rain was expected the rest of the weekend and this was the only night to see the spectacular stars from the mountain. so we walk out and he keeps wanting to stay by the lights of the house. i’m just thinking, you wanted to come out and see the stars. you gotta go where its dark. so i leave him behind and walk half way down the road in to the dark. i love him so much. he was so frustrated. i had no clue what was coming. we’re in our pjs with big winter coats cause it was freezing out and we’re walking down the road in the pitch black darkness. he asks me if i had a good day, which he commonly does. and then he asks me what would make my day better. i’m not playing a long at all because i’m so clueless. i just honestly blurt out "cookie dough" because it had been on my mind since dinner as my dessert. and then he’s telling me how much he loves me, which is also common because he’s genuinely a sweetheart. before i know it he’s down on one knee and, according to him because i have no idea what happened after that, i started jumping up and down saying no no no no. apparently, you’re not suppose to say no repeatedly when someone’s purposing. with tears in my eyes i guess i did eventually say yes. and it was so dark (my fault remember), i couldn’t even see the ring so i ran back to the cabin to see it under the lights. i stared at that ring the rest of the weekend. it was so beautiful and i can’t wait to wear it the rest of my life.

we spent the spring happy and busy. he was finishing his masters and i was working and buying up every wedding magazine in sight. sometime around the end of may / beginning of june, he called me at work crying he was so happy. he was offered a job doing exactly what he wanted. it all happened so fast. before we knew it he was in north carolina meeting with his new boss and signing a lease on a house i had only seen in pictures.

so here i am. the boys are at work and i’m sitting in this house slowly nesting and making it home.

its weird to be back here. by back i literally mean back home. i don’t talk about it much, but i’m actually from nc. i was born in durham and lived there until i was ten. my father died suddenly when i was in high school and it was hard to go back after that. so when mylove was offered a job in raleigh, it was oddly familiar territory when we moved back up here.

i have some new/old demons to tackle. my stepmom is a beautiful person and even with the lack of frequent communication between us, she is welcoming me back with open arms. eventually i will have to go back to the house my father died in and go see where he is at the cemetary. there’s a lot of guilt, frustration, and even jealousy there that i’m going to have to face that otherwise was so easy to avoid living in another state.

so this is a start of coming back here. i already have ideas about the next couple of entries. something tells me that with this new free time on my hands and some emotions i still need to work through, i will be needing this.