guilty pleasure (slightly graphic)

life wouldn’t be life if it wasn’t full of ups and downs.

yesterday was great example of that.

on the one side, i’ve known for a while now that wonder boy, being a music major, had a wind symphony concert coming up. but i hadn’t really been looking forward to it because while we are trying to be friends, i haven’t been a real part of his social life for a long time now.

i’m not normally this blunt so fore warning here, but i also have to mention that sunday night i was woken up at around 3am (actually monday morning i guess) by my boyfriend not wanting to have sex, but wanting to make love to me. and it was amazing. he has this ability to simply touch me and make me feel beautiful.

current amazing boyfriend needs a nickname. he’s incredibly sensitive and family oriented while also confident and sexy. he treats me like a queen but also from time to time, puts this opinionated redhead in her place. oh and he has brown skin that we both think looks absolutely amazing next to mine.

the ex is wonder boy because he will always in some way find a way into my life and into my entries.he’s always been a part of things, when he’s in my life and even when he’s ignoring me. still figuring out current boyfriend’s nickname. if i could think of a male equivalent to the panther, he’d be that.

ok. back into the story.

all day yesterday i was talking myself out of going to wonder boy’s concert. his source of comfort was that i wouldn’t be there by myself, his family was going to be there. his family is great but we’re not dating anymore. it’s just not the same.

the concert was at 8 and at about 6 i told him i had decided not to go. i honestly just really didn’t feel like going. sure i could have told him i had homework or plans later with a friend (both of which i did). but i was honest and just told him i just didn’t feel like dealing with all of that. we’re not dating anymore. i don’t have to support him in that way. but he’s still trying to get use to the fact that i’m not always going to be there like he’s use to. and he usually takes it out on me. for example (from his blog):

Fuck you if you think that you’ll feel that uncomfortable at my mother fucking band concert.  Music is the most important thing to me on this planet aside from God and my family.  If you think that for one second that I would miss something that was that important to you, you are fucked in the head.

i’m getting use to dealing with these outbreaks. they make me feel guilty so then i suck up to him for alittle while until he’s not mad anymore. partially i take it because i feel guilty and listening to the verbal tirades is like punishment that i thought i deserved. but lately it had been getting to the point where it doesn’t make me feel that guilty anymore. i wrote the other day that he told me that he wasn’t sure if we could be friends in the normal sense of the word. so why then does he expect this type of stuff out of me still? i don’t get it.

and i’m still struggling with the guilt, just for a different reason this time.

even after the night i had sunday night, yesterday afternoon something especially unexpected happened. while i was trying to figure out whether or not to go to wonder boy’s concert, current boyfriend was getting ready to go to the gym (he goes every mon, wed, fri from 730-830). i pretty much had decided not to go see wonderboy and told current boyfriend i wasn’t so i was going to figure out something for dinner while he was at the gym. sense now i didn’t have any plans until 10, i changed into comfy workout pants and took off my bra.

715 – he was literally picking up his keys to walk out the door when i walked out of the bedroom. he immediately noticed my change and stuck his hand up my shirt.

718ish – by this point he had dropped his gym bag, pushed me up against the wall and we’re making out. i’m taken by surprise, thinking this is a nice goodbye. then he takes off my shirt and his lips find there way down to my chest. he’s obsessed with my breasts, has been since he first saw them. he thinks they’re perfect and i play up that fact often.

720 – now all of our clothes are off and i think i’ve figured out that he wants a quickie before he leaves. we just had sex last night and usually boys are tired after the deed, but sure. why not? get the testosterone working before he works out. there’s still time. he can make it there. we kiss, grope, and stumble our way into the bedroom. 

730 – i’m so worked up from the initial surprise (every girl loves being taken), that by now i’ve come and i’m waiting on him. it’s no longer looking like a quickie. i keep playfully pushing him away, telling him he needs to go or he’ll be late. but he keeps pushing me back down. i oblige.

740 – ok he’s not going to the gym.
750 – take a breather but still not done. last night’s sex has us not rushing to the finish line.
800 – wonderboy’s concert has started. he’s disappointed and mad i’m not there. i’m having amazing sex.
810 – laying in our sweat, i feel that twinge of guilt. but at this point it just doesn’t matter like it use to.