confusing as 1, 2, 3

wonderboy got hurt again by a budding relationship that quickly took a turn for the worse and crashed and burned.

this is completely none of my business, but i just wish he would get more angry. i don’t know where exactly my motivation behind it comes from. if i try to split it into three reasons, this entry will make the most sense.

1. i’m still protective of him.

maybe i’m retarded because… i mean… i’ve probably hurt him the most, but i am really protective of him. i don’t want other people to treat him badly or use him and when they do it really upsets me.

his entry after they broke up talks all about how he feels really bad if he pushed her too hard. this is infuriating at times. i literally want to shake him. she broke up with you and you feel bad??? her ex broke up with her before we broke up. if you’ve had the time to get over things (considering you and i dated just a teeny bit longer), then it’s completely rational for you to expect her to be over him.

and she’s had complete control over this whole thing from the very beginning. she’s the one that wanted to try something, jumping you in your room randomly one night and telling you she misses you when you’re not around. then, when things started to resemble an actual relationship, she accused you of being too clingy. she goes out of town for like 3 whole days and comes back singing a different tune, wanting to have dinner with you. you cave in grand fashion, spending $30 on a bottle of wine and paying for the entire meal. then she tells her parents that you two are dating, shows you affection in front of them and your confidence sky rockets. the very next night, she asks you to spend the night and from what little you told me, it was incredibly special to you. i saw you the next day. you were completely dazed. over me. and excited about what would happen this summer. then again, days later she tells you she’s not happy with everything and wants to be alone.

what she did was shitty and you feel guilty about what you did to her??? wtf sir.

i’m most protective over him about the fact that she lured him into having sex with him not knowing exactly how she felt about him. he’s not built like most boys. he looks you in the eyes when he has sex with you. it’s always a big deal to him and he took that as a sign that she really cared about him. it was never simply something physical for him. he can’t separate it from his emotions. i know i shouldn’t be saying this as a complete outsider to the situation as it’s not my place to pass judgment, but this is what my diary is for. i feel like she completely took advantage of him.

i don’t even think this is one of those times when not saying anything is taking the high road. this is one of those times where you throw everything i’ve just described in her face because she needs to see things from a perspective other than her own so she realizes you can’t do that to people. you can’t experiment with someone’s emotions.

 

2. the more dreaded motivation – i’m jealous. but not in the way that you think.

i’m not jealous of her because i want to be her, wish i had that with him. been there, done that. three times.

i’m jealous of her because i feel like if i had been in her shoes in that situation, he sure as hell would have thrown everything in my face instead of getting upset and only looking at how he handling things. he would have called me terrible names as he has in the past and he probably would have been violent to some inanimate object in the room.

i don’t understand why he treats me so differently than everyone else. if he’s tired of being used then he needs to stand up for himself.

 

3. the more unhealthy motivation – maybe i’ve secretly never like her.

ever since a couple of years ago when he found out i cheated on him and she was there for him, i have always asserted that i liked her. i always liked knowing he had such a good friend.

but seeing how capable he is of being hurt, why did she let things turn out this way with him?

it’s really frustrating to think this way because college has taught me a lot about how not to think about people like i did in high school – constantly judging people from atop my high horse.

i don’t know everything about their situation or what’s going on with her personally, but this whole things elicits from me this gut reaction not to like her and make me think things like, how dare she ever judge me, guess she’s no better than i am, she’s always been a hypocrite, and more unhealthy and probably untrue thoughts.

 

so grrrr. i wanted to be happy and excited for him. i wanted him to have something to be excited about. the few days it lasted, i saw my relationship with him growing as he became more and more capable of relating to me. he didn’t need this. not again. it sucks to want to see him happy so badly, but not be able to be the one to get him there.