church wanted

warning, if youre not in for a crazy long entry and just want to get to the point, skip down to "church wanted" at the end for a concise conclusion of my thoughts.

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first off, let me start by saying that the predicament i find myself in is well… all my fault. i’m not saying i’ve suffered, but i have learned from experience that you can’t rely on your social life to provide you with a spiritual one. i know that sounds like a big fat duh, but until it doesn’t work, you have no reason to question it.

one thing i have always been grateful for is this built-in, innate desire i have to worship something bigger than myself. somewhere deep down inside of me in some unshakable, untouchable place, i am absolutely certain that there is a god. and he is bigger than me, bigger than this world, and all powerful. i don’t have all the details on how it all works. so religion aside, i just know. it’s that simple.

and before i offend, let me clarify my belief. i absolutely know that this innate knowledge, this desire, is in no way, shape, or form something everyone possesses. i’m not one of those people who thinks everyone should believe in god. there are so many unknowns that i know make faith difficult. not to mention so many horrible examples of the bad that can come out of having faith. what i feel has nothing to do with anybody else. its mine and its incredibly personal. so while i can’t imagine what would seem to me like such a lonely existence, i can not compare my experience to anyone else’s. i’m eternally grateful and absolutely cherish my faith, but i do not expect anyone else to feel the same way. if anything, i think i’m lucky to feel the way i do. in a way, it’s kinda like falling in love. not everyone does and not always in the same way, but when you do, you cherish it.

and you can’t really chalk it up to being a nurture / environment thing either like i know you’re tempted to do. the only times i remember seeing my dad in a church were one time when i was really little he made us go to midnight mass on christmas eve, and the other… was… well… his funeral. also several times when i was little, i made my mom come to church with me because it was easter or maybe i had a handbell concert. either way, she was always there for me. during my more confrontational years in high school i tried to talk to her about her thoughts on religion, god, and the bible. i got the basics out of her, but we didn’t get very far very peacefully when she said she thought the bible was just a nice collection of stories.

with little support system, i’ve always had to reach out on my own to satiate this innate belief in something sacred and nourish my spiritual growth.

when i was ten, i moved to georgia. before that, i went to church fairly regularly with jennifer, my best friend growing up. it was a methodist church and while granted a big portion of why i probably went was to tag along with my friend, do fun things in youth group, and get free dunkin donut holes before sunday school, looking back, i know it had to be something greater. even as a little girl, i was getting myself up and dressed early sunday morning and the one getting the rest of my family to come to church whenever possible.

either way, for someone in elementary school, it was a great foundation. i learned the basics and because it was fun and no one was making me go (like so many parents make the mistake of doing), i never made any negative associations.

when i did move to georgia, it took me a couple of years to get adjusted and by seventh grade, i started going to church with my new bff lauren. for that stage in my life, new hope was exactly what i needed. after learning the cruelties of being the new kid after i moved, new hope just seemed so full of love – people who loved god, people who loved each other  – and at the time, god to me was this strong, warm figure with open arms wearing a sweatshirt. with all the drama that comes with puberty and then some, i learned how powerful god’s love was and how powerful his forgiveness could be. this is when i really learned that i could worship god.

so i learned the stories when i was little and the emotional aspect in middle school. by high school i was over the drama and hungry for something more. new hope had been great for me emotionally. but after several years of what began to feel like on big alter call, i needed more. this is when i began reading the bible on my own. i was looking for the answers to sustain my faith. i struggled with feeling so passionately about something without really knowing anything concrete about it. basically, i started to want to be able to think for myself about my beliefs.

one day out of a compromise, i made my boyfriend come to church with me and i promised to go with him to his church another night. he came with me and i was actually pretty impressed with the "lesson" for the night until i looked over at my boyfriend and realized he was bored out of his mind. when i went to his church with him, it took no time to figure out why he’d been so bored. they went to so many different verses that i got completely lost, gave up, and had to look on with my boyfriend. people were even taking notes! to put it in perspective, the night he had come with me, exactly one verse had been mentioned. i had felt pretty confident going into this since i had been going to church pretty much my whole life. but i was overwhelmed and had a million questions afterward.

before i even started to make the commitment to go to his church on a regular basis, we started having long, late night phone conversations that were basically just question and answer periods with me literally thumbing through my bible and throwing out anything i had ever been curious about – everything from fasting to speaking in tongues – all things i had never heard about in all my years of chur

ch going but read clearly on my own in what was suppose to be the book we were all reading.

it blew me away how knowledgeable he was with every answer. he had proof and references, and the thing i was most jealous of, he had confidence. he had the faith and the conviction i had, but also the direction and the tools to take it so much further. i started going to his church because i found myself wanted to be the one who could answer the questions too.

once again, for that time in my life, it was exactly what i needed. at first it was a place that gave me a foundation and all the little details that make the big picture clearer. once i was confident enough to stand on my own two feet, i also knew how to find answers and think for myself like i had originally set out to do. when someone asked me what i believed, i had an answer. more importantly, i could also explain why. call it contradictory if you want, but i had something that for so many is so elusive – faith and reason.

(this is the part of the story, if that’s what you want to call it, where i stomp my feet and complain that it’s not all my fault.)

and it really sucks now. it makes me feel out of control and if you know me at all, you know i’m not the kind of girl that likes that at all. before you go thinking i’m so shallow either, make sure you know the whole story.

i was really proud of myself and proud of the relationship i had been able to maintain with my ex boyfriend. it wasn’t us breaking up that ended my most recent spiritual growth and put me in my current predicament. he kind of decided to just drop the whole thing. i told him a few months ago that he didn’t have to be my friend anymore, but he still had to be my fellowship coordinator (cause he is or was the only one in athens). i had to rely on someone else. and well, i wouldn’t be writing any of this if things had panned out.

so here i am at my own personal crossroads again. and like i said from the beginning, i’ve relied too much on other people to guide me on a path that is or at least should be completely my own. but maybe it’s a good thing – not just a lesson learned type of situation either. maybe its good timing. maybe i’m strong enough, confident enough, sure enough of what i believe in to finally step out on my own.

so this is the scary part, because while i know what i’m looking for, i really have no idea of what it exactly looks like or where to find it. so just how a store puts out a help wanted sign, i guess the point of this whole entry is to put my own bulletin out there.

church wanted

i need a place to fit again. a place where i feel good about myself, where i can be there for others and serve a greater purpose. not everyone needs a church to feel closer to god. but for me, it really did help. the right place can be edifying and energizing and keeps me grounded. i really miss that fellowship that recharged my faith from week to week.

church wanted