childish things

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I miss him.

important disclaimer that I am madly in love with my husband. I love him more than when we were dating. I love him more than when we got married. I am madly in love with him and the life we have built together.

but I’m in a weird headspace today and need to admit something. I miss ryan. I miss my friend. we really did have compatible personalities and, on the surface (staying away from all the ways we did things horribly wrong), made really good friends.

you know me. I have a bad habit of longing for the way things used to be. I have always been nostalgic to a fault. I reminisce about the past and elevate it to what you see in movies when I know deep down that’s never what it was. I used to be dramatic and stubborn and just completely lost. I’ve earned feeling good about myself now and how I’m stable and have such a better perspective on what’s important in life. but I don’t miss our relationship, the romantic us. I miss our friendship.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

I barely remember the romantic relationship. I remember the high school hormones. holding hands. passing notes. sneaking out. the fun part of being young and in love. but that was so long ago. and I think we lost that long before we broke up because we grew up. but the deep stuff? I don’t know. it never solidified. it always seemed rocky or scary or like it was missing something. maybe I just never truly understood what the deep stuff was back then.

so now here I am in my weird headspace because my mom died right before the holidays (I would have never dreamed last Christmas would be her last), or because I’ve watched too many chick flicks on Netflix recently, or because I’ve always been just a little bit of a basket case deep down. and I guess I’m just reaching for something. maybe I’m not even sure exactly what.

taylor talked me down off the ledge. I’m so in my weird headspace right now that I don’t think about the other side. how ryan has no idea I even remember our friendship, let alone miss it. how he also has no idea I’m in this weird headspace and am searching for something to fill it. so even if I did reach out to ryan, it’s not going to be like the movies. if he even does answer, it’s going to be a couple of distant, two-word answers like, “I’m fine” and “that’s good.” and then I’ll be left completely unsatisfied and in an even weirder headspace.

so I’m not sure what’s next. i mean, yes I do. I’ll chicken out and then grownup life will get in the way and I won’t have the headspace to maintain such a headspace if you know what I mean. and ryan will go on living his own grownup life, completely unaware that I’ve spent so much time thinking about this, and keeping his past in the past where it should be.

and then I linger and think, what if I did? what if I did contact him? I just had the fleeting idea event to send him this entry. then he’d know not to be flippant. yes, that’s the way to do it. then he’d know his old friend is a little lost and it’s doesn’t have to be weird or awkward or hopefully not even forced. he can just talk to me and things will feel better for a moment.

that’s a lot of responsibility, power even, to place on someone’s unexpecting shoulders. “hey, I’m a little lonely in a weird way. and I know we haven’t really spoken in about 11 years. will you save me for a bit?” what does one even do when approached with that request. am I in danger of romanticizing things once again to hope he could handle it? fix it even?

I guess that’s where the danger has always lain. you can’t put your emotional well-being in inappropriate hands. it has taken me… oh about… carry the 2… give or take… 34 years to figure that out. handling this request, handling me, isn’t his job. and I shouldn’t create the situation where it even potentially could be something he can fix.

so was I full of shit before? do I miss his friendship or him? that’s always been the scary part of admitting I want him to talk to me. do I want him to make me feel special because he’s giving me attention or are those just old demons? (like really deep demons from the past. “why don’t you make an effort to make me feel special?” that sums up a lot of a dying relationship in your early 20s.)

no, I don’t think it’s that. I’m not looking to resurrect some very old demons for him to slay. I wouldn’t even know how to bring those demons back to life. my life is too different now to sustain those demons.

it’s his friendship. just someone to talk to. 5 minutes of texting with taylor while typing this has already fixed a lot. someone who knows me when I don’t come by friends easily these days. I think that’s what I’m reaching for. an old, reliable brick to place in a foundation that crumbled a little when I lost my mom. sorry, friend, to set you up for something so impossible to fill. I’m just reaching.