Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on

This morning I had a wave of nostalgia associated with the online diary I kept for over a decade.

I recorded so many thoughts and moments in that diary during my teenage years. There was a sense of community that I haven’t found online again. I  I couldn’t have known it at the time, but my diary ended up bringing so many good things into my life.

A hell of a lot has changed since then. I have developed two amazing careers, become a mother, moved away from my home city, travelled the world, purchased property and maintained a loving relationship.

I do have some regrets – the first is that I’ve struggled to prioritize and maintain friendships. Some of my old friendships have ruptured or faded away completely. For huge chunks of my twenties I was so crazy busy with studying and career that I had little time for anything else. I also crave alone time and love to read widely and think deeply. These traits can come at a cost. I have a handful of close friends, but the reality seems to be that we are so busy it’s hard to really be there for one another.

The second regret is that I have drifted away from family. It’s tricky because my immediate family have never really been a source of understanding or emotional support for me. Even now, I am still coming to terms with my parent’s limited capacity for connection, their struggle to be flexible and their constant preference for sameness and routine. They did ok as parents, I know that many people have it a lot worse. But it’s hard that I have had to be so alone in life and so independent from such a young age. I have needed some really skilled therapists to companion me through life changes because my family don’t have those sorts of skills. Having said all of that, I have started to regret living so far away from them for so long. My parents are old now and they won’t always be around. I’ve realised it’s time to go home again.

The third regret is that I haven’t maintained a vibrant creative life. I have always wanted to write – a novel, a blog, anything really. It feels like a fundamental part of who I am, but it’s a part of me I have neglected.

It’s only been fairly recently that regrets have been at the forefront of my mind. As I’m getting older I’m starting to feel on a visceral level what a limited time we are given – “time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on,” (a quote from Jonathan Safran Foer).

I don’t want to dwell on regrets – I want to acknowledge them and try to do something about it.