Mauled in the Mall

After Michael’s graduation ceremony he was allowed to leave the base for the rest of the day. He wanted to go to a mall. Considering we had never been to Columbia before this was going to be interesting. We stopped at a grocery store near our hotel and asked for directions. I kind of knew we were in trouble when three people gave us different directions. After a few detours we finally found what turned out to be a HUGE mall.
We went inside and had lunch. It was wonderful to be able to look across the table and see Michael. Ben and Sam were at each other’s throats most of the time. Before Michael would have been right in the middle of it  but now he just rolled his eyes. Their constant bickering was taking a toll on me though.
As we were walking through the mall I noticed that my back and shoulders were really hurting. No sooner had I realized this than I saw that we were at one of the "hubs" for this massive shopping complex. All of these kiosks were set up with people selling handbags or sunglasses. Then I made the mistake of meeting someone’s eyes.
I started to smile and continue on my way. This diminutive Oriental lady stepped in front of me and gestured toward what looked like an ergonomic desk chair with arm rests. I smiled and shook my head. She was VERY persistent. She wanted to give me a "1 minute" massage for FREE. I thought, "My back IS killing me. It’s free. Why not?" Next time I talk to myself I need to ignore me.
My husband had taken Michael to look at cell phones. I told mama and the kids that I would only be a "minute". I sat down in the chair and the delicate little creature smiled and placed my glasses in a tray beneath the chair. This chair was really like something a chiropractor would have complete with the cushioned opening for your face. I was a bit uncertain, more than a bit stressed out and in a considerable amount of pain.
I felt hands on my shoulders, gently gathering my hair and moving it aside. "Such beautiful curls" drifted into my consciousness but I wasn’t really sure who spoke or from which direction. It was more than a bit surreal. Then I heard, "Oh my! All of your stress is right HERE!" in the very same moment that she drove what felt like her elbow into my shoulder blade. This was not going to be a lovely relaxing massage. This was something else altogether.
I tried to protest but by then I couldn’t draw a breath. I was torn between sobbing, vomiting and the very real desire to run screaming from the building. Then I remembered that deep tissue massage can be very painful but if you can get past that it can be beneficial. So I decided that I was going to see if I couldn’t just "tough it out". This was only going to last a minute after all.
I kept hearing vague muttering and murmuring and those ever present talons that were intent on digging their way to my vital organs without benefit of anesthesia or apology. Every time they passed over my left shoulder the muttering became more intense and again that elbow, knee, or dull butcher knife would dig in for another round. This person did not have to tell me where my stress was located! I was already sore before I sat down.
Suddenly I felt a glimmer of hope. The hands gentled and began a slower much more soothing massage of my neck and arms. I felt tension begin to leave my body. Then I heard, "Your time UP. You want 15 minute?" Something must have snapped when one of those sharp appendages gouged into my spine. I found myself agreeing. I needed this after all!
The minute special was just a warm up. The real torture began in earnest. I was fighting tears and nausea. The noise of the mall receded until I could only hear the murmuring of this creature who had surely escaped from someone’s sadistic nightmares. I lost track of time. I only wanted to survive. A sane person would be saying that you were not held prisoner and that you can get up any time you want. I couldn’t form the thought process to coordinate the muscles required to do it.
From somewhere off in the distance I heard the rumbling. My boys were at it again. They were having a real go at each other. Lauren was trying to intervene. Mama had wandered off. I tried to focus my thoughts on relaxing. I would not think about the pain. I would concentrate on warm sand and gentle breezes. Then I heard a voice from a distance of about six inches from my left ear telling me that the boys were going to kill each other and would I please do something about it? I felt my jaw clench. I managed to say, "I do NOT care. GO away until I am finished."
Then I heard more displeased murmuring and the bone crushing pressure started again. Suddenly it stopped. I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. It was over. My mind had trouble processing information. I know I had struck the deal with a lady. But when I stood up I was looking into the eyes of an equally diminutive MAN. When had that happened? More than a little confused I paid for the ill disguised torture session. As I looked around I realized that not only was I in even MORE physical pain than before but my vision had gone a bit squidgy along the way.
In the space of 15 minutes I had gone from being stressed out, tired and sore to a dazed numb train wreck! I left the mall feeling like I had the flu. The kids were apologizing and started avoiding me as much as our close proximity would allow. They can be taught I guess.
A word to the wise is merited here. If you see one of these little kiosks offering any sort of massage, THINK TWICE. Do NOT be deceived by the stature of the individual trying to convince you that it is "therapeutic". I am not exaggerating when I say that my shoulders were tender to the touch for a week after this little "pampering session". I don’t know what went all crazy with my vision. That was truly weird. I do know that if the same set of circumstances presented itself in future I would simply throw the cash at them and RUN in the opposite direction. If I happened to run through a plate glass window in the process that would be okay. I think it would be less damaging to the body!