new meds

i am up early and i’m okay with it. downloading the sims 3 and all of the expansions so i can spend my day being lazy after a productive saturday.

my doctor prescribed me a new medication and man, so much better. less anxious and vaguely frustrated. just feel…normal. love it.

got most of my thanksgiving food. i like cooking for my family at home. it means one less day of feeling obligated to be around family that make us feel stressed or annoyed. the day off work can be an actual holiday for us instead of a chore.

oh, found out my half brother got married this summer. my family is complicated but the gist of it is my mom and dad split when my brother and i were 5 and 4. my dad had 4 more kids and pretty much forgot his first 2 existed for the rest of his life. he put in some effort to be in my life when my son was born, but once one of his other kids had a baby we almost never hear from him. luckily my son was young enough to not really remember how close they were at one point. my brother was an addict for much of his life and my dads family wanted nothing to do with him but now he’s clean and is much more like them than i am (read rural-centric and right-leaning) so apparently that means that my brother is family and i am an….acquaintance? i found out from my sister (not related to my dad) that our brother had gone to a wedding last summer. and that’s how i found out that i did not get invited to my half brother’s wedding, but my brother did and didn’t tell me. SO that made the decision i was trying to make easier. i have not interest or obligation to contact my dads family for christmas this year. good. fuck em.

i don’t talk to most of my family. really only speaking to my sisters (on my moms side) and my brother. my mom lost her damn mind when trump was elected and then just kept losing it. i didn’t talk to her at all for 8 or 9 months. i opened up text communication so my son could see her when covid numbers were down earlier this year, but thats it. and you know, i didn’t stop talking to her because of who she supported or even the crazy, racist, ignorant bull shit she believed in. i live in the south. every one around me is more closely aligned to her view points than mine. i stopped talking to her because she continued to bring up topics she knew would cause fights. she would put items in the family’s dirty santa that she knew were offensive to me and my sister. she would spout shit she knew was insane sounding just so she could announce that we were intolerant of her opinions when we disagreed or tried to show her whatever she just said was untrue. she wouldn’t stop. we begged her to stop. then her husband sent us a very hateful text. so i cut them off. i will never speak to him again. and until she fucking apologizes for the words she used and the way she treated us i will never have a relationship with her either. and that sucks but you whats worse? watching her lose her mind and letting her cause constant pain and discourse in my life. or hell, getting my family sick. she thinks and tells my family that i don’t talk to her because of politics or mask wearing, but its really the way she talked to me and the hateful shit she said about others. as far as im concerned she chose this over being civil. and i’m chosing this over knowing the specific crazy shit she believes.

my mom was always fun and inclusive. she always had christmas gifts for any of our friends whose family couldn’t provide them any even tho we were NOT well off at all. she loved to dance and learn the lyrics to songs on the radio. she gave me a love for 90s R&B. she never cared about politics when i was younger. she cleaned the house every sunday and lit candles to make it smell nice. fuck it. i gotta stop thinking about this now. my husband thinks im insane for typing and crying a bunch at 8 am on a sunday. i think my download is done.