satellite heart

Okay, it’s a depressing song technically, but it makes me happy. I like it a lot. I usually listen to it a couple times every day.

So, lately I’ve been becoming more and more depressed. I feel like I’m in high school all over again, just not quite so bad, because there is Chris to come home to every day.

Everyone keeps telling me not to worry, that it’ll happen, etc etc, but you know what? I DON’T CARE ABOUT EVENTUALLY. I am a strange person, and part of being that strange person, is wanting to start my family. I have been waiting eight months, patiently, trying not to lose control, when I am late EVERY MONTH, and yet nothing small is growing inside of me. Roni always wants me to come over and see Gracelynn, and I love that little girl, but it makes me cry a little on the inside every time I see her and hold her. 

Work is getting to a serious snapping point. I’m getting "in" with most of the people at this store, which is nice, so I don’t feel completely isolated anymore, but I still can’t stand it. I want nothing to do with it. I want to be back at my store, where I have at least Steve to fall back on when I feel like I’m about to jump overboard. I don’t have a single person at Q for that. I had to go in yesterday, on my day off, to write an order quick. Okay, my fault, not complaining about that. The problem was, there was this one guy there, his job was to build the end displays. He ASKED me some questions, and I told him specifically how to do it and what to do.

I went in today, and they were still wrong. I wanted to throw something, very heavy and very hard, through a wall.

But did I bother getting myself worked up? No. Why? Because I give up. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot devote myself like this to Pick N Save, and expect to not get myself stressed to some point that my body finds unsuitable for baby-making.

Then on WoW, I got angry at someone who is a pretty good friend, because he more then likely knocked up this girl, and she plans to go "get it taken care of" if she is, and I just… ugh. I am pro-choice. Go, and do what you see fit. But it shouldn’t be something you do without thinking. Maybe YOU aren’t ready, but there are PLENTY of people who are, and that are more then willing to take that baby off your hands.

Plus, by the time you find out for sure, 100%, it’s heart is beating already. Okay, think about THAT.

So, because of all this, I’ve been slightly snippy with Chris. I cleaned the apartment yesterday, to the point of spotless. He was happy with me, and I was just mean. Well, not mean, just, snippy.

I love him to death, and he keeps telling me not to worry, and that even if we CAN’T have a kid, he’s here for me no matter what, and that he’s willing to spend the money on IVF if it’s an option and just, he’s so wonderful to me, but it’s true, you just can’t help but get angry at the person you see every day, just because there’s no one else around.

I thank the stars every night for giving me someone so wonderful to spend the rest of my life with, and he doesn’t deserve someone who can’t even hold it together because she’s having some problems getting pregnant.

I feel like sinking into a big black hole in the ground.

Tomorrow I’m probably gonna go out looking at Goodwill and St. Vincent de Pauls for like, a new bookshelf. We desperately need one, but can’t spend the money, because we are going to have to replace the jetta soon. Next week on one of my days off we are going to go around looking at dealerships, and see how much people think it would be worth as a trade-in. We figure it’s best to start looking now, and get something while the car is still in mostly decent shape, then wait until it putters out and dies completely on us, and therefore we have no money for any kind of down payment.

I mean, it’s a 98, and only has 120000 miles on it. That is EXCELLENT for a car that’s a12 years old.

Alright, I feel better after random spewing of things.

It’s 1 in the morning, I need to go to bed.

Laterz