Just another day

I don’t have the energy for this. For trying to care so much.

So Chris has a friend. So Chris has a friend he doesn’t ever want to stop talking to because apparently the universe will fall apart if he does. So what that he gets one day a week to really and truly spend with me. So. Effing. What.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I went to Target by myself to get Luke formula… I screamed and cried the whole way home.

I’m not hurt by him having a friend. I’m hurt that in just 2 weeks, he has gone through over 3500 text messages. And I just looked. Our statement started over today. So since midnight… he has used 278 texts. TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY EIGHT.

He says he needs someone else to talk to. I get that. It makes total sense. We are both almost completely reliant on each other, and after awhile, it’s HUMAN to need someone else to chat with.

BUT WHY CAN’T HE STAY AWAY FROM HER FOR 5 GODDAMN STUPID MINUTES? WILL IT FUCKING KILL HIM?

We talked a lot Saturday night. A LOT. I told him if it’s what he needs, to go and get it out of his stupid fucking system and just have random sex with someone.

I love the fact that he says he loves me, and yet still seems to need it so badly. And I know he loves me, I do.

But apparently I’m not enough. Apparently I’m not that someone for him. That’s how it feels at least.

I would never ever ever ever ever consider cheating on him. Even if he told me too. Even if we had an open marriage. I couldn’t do it. Why? Because I love him so much that it HURTS. That the idea of doing something, anything, that might even the tiniest bit, hurt him, hurts me to a shattering point. If I ever broke his heart, mine would break even more.

I don’t get why he needs constant attention from her, why he needs to give her constant attention. They talk about everything too. And he’s telling me that WON’T cause an emotional attachment?

Whether he thinks so or not, that will cause something. Some feelings are going on there.

And then of course, he told her about our chat and me telling him to have a free pass and get it out. Apparently he was all "So… interested" And she was like "I’d think about it if it weren’t for the boyfriend"

She wants him.

And I don’t think it’s going to take much longer before she has him.

I’m going to shower, feed Luke, and crawl into bed for what I can only hope will be an amazingly long sleep.