I need to come back here

It’s been ages and ages, but I think the only logical thing for me now is to come back here. I don’t write in my journal nearly as often because by the end of the night, I just log onto the computer, chat with some friends, and pass out.

So I figured…. if I need to vent, and I’m always on the computer, why give up on this as I so obviously have?

Well not anymore. I’m back, hopefully for good.

Let’s get caught up shall we?

I have an almost 9 month old now. Lukas Jacob was born on March 8th, weighing in at an amazing 8lbs 10oz, 21 1/2 inches long, and I DIDN’T TEAR AT ALL! I have a leet baby making body! He is happy, funny, wonderful boy. He spends 90% of his time happy and playful. I couldn’t love someone more then I love him.

Things are so different. For one, I’ve become a cosleeper, something I never thought would be possible. Two, I’m not breastfeeding anymore, which I had every intention of doing. He has a milk protein allergy, so I would have had to cut out everything dairy out of my diet… as if that would have been easy! I tried, I really really tried, but I couldn’t. He is happier. I am happier. He is thriving, and growing.

He’s been crawling since he was about 5 months old. He easily pulls himself to standing, and walks around while holding onto things. It’s amazing! His first 9 months of life have FLOWN by. My pregnancy was much slower then this!

We are approaching his first Christmas and I am so excited. I bought his gifts today. Yay 🙂

Chris and I have had our ups and downs since Luke was born. It’s been rough. Lately, it’s gotten rougher. He just doesn’t understand. Here’s what’s been happening.

He started a new job, Sendiks. He made friends. Yay! I love that he can have friends. One is this girl, Megan. He is texting her NONSTOP. She is even texting him while out on dates with her boyfriend. I mean, these two…. they seem like they can’t get enough of each other. But I am tired of trying to get through to him. So I am just going to wait it out. I know he isn’t doing anything, and that he doesn’t want to leave me.

It just doesn’t make a difference. It stings, every time he takes out that phone. When I was 9 months pregnant, and over my due date, he wouldn’t even keep his phone on him. I totally expected to go into labor and not be able to get a hold of him for hours. I just wish he didn’t seem so damn interested in her. I just wish that after 5 straight hours of conversation he would look at me and go "let’s talk" or even just STOP.

But I’m more tired of bitching, and worrying. It stresses me out, which stresses Luke out, and it tires me out when I don’t have the energy to be tired out by something else. I’m up every night feeding him, since Chris doesn’t do it. I work a.m. shifts now. Speaking of work as an add in…. left frozen department, am now the GM-HBC manager! No more coldness, but it’s just me and one other person working 12 hour weeks, so you know, it’s tough. I’ve been recognized by our district manager though as the only person who knows what I’m doing. Anyway though. I do all this stuff, I clean, I do all the laundry, I’m Ook’s major caretaker. Give him all the baths, majority of the feedings unless I’m at work. Up every night.

I just don’t have the time to be upset by stupid text messages. So I’m not going to be. I’m going to be the loving, perfect wife. I’m sure it’s going to bite me in the ass when he screws her or something, but whatever. I can’t think about that right now. I just can’t. I don’t need more problems then I already have to deal with.

No one’s perfect, Chris is not perfect. I am not perfect.

But he loves me. And that’s the important part. He’s here with me, sharing a bed with me, raising our son. And Ook loves his daddy oh so much. So tired. 11:30. I need to sleep. Goodnight dear diary. Hopefully you won’t be missing me anymore.