decisions decisions….

so theres a few things i need to decide upon now.

one, ive made just on my own without really thinking about BUT for real now…

ive grown more and more bored with WoW over the past couple of months, and ive officially decided that im going to mostly give it up. i mean, ill keep my account active, and sign on when im really really bored…. and have writers block.

because my spare time is now going to be spent writing the book ive been dreaming about for, like, 6 months, but havent sat down to truly work on (only one chapter written so far…) because i was planning my wedding.

so its official. that is what i will do. im going to make a few CDs and keep them together so that i can just listen, and relax, and write.

yay.

now… more importantly….

Chris and i were talking, and we have to make a very important life decision.

school, or children.

both of us want children, very much. and chris may say he is fine with whatever decision i make, i can tell that he really wants a child. and if you saw him anytime we go to my moms… they ADORE him, because he is so wonderful with them. he would make such a wonderful father. it practically brings tears to my eyes when i watch him play with those children…

and i dont want to deprive him of that for longer then necessary.

but i want to go back to school. i want a DEGREE.

ive finally decided something i havent told anyone, but have been thinking about for, like…. 6 or 7 months….

nursing.

its not exactly what i always had in mind, but its something i would do and, more then likely, enjoy.

so i want to do it.

but heres the problem:

money. (isnt it always??)

we have enough to live comfortably as we are.

and to be honest, we are in a better financial means to have a child.

because of this wedding, i have $5000 on one credit card, chris has $1000 on another, and 2 others both have about $300 on them.

so we have nearly $7000 of credit card debt…. and we need to get another car….

put student loans on TOP of that? i mean, okay, wed be done with the credit card debt before the student loans would have to be paid for, since nursing takes usually at least 3 years now…. and we dont have a car payment right now, and itll be a few months till we do… so we can easily through about $400-$500 a month at them.

but i also have $1000 medical bill i still need to pay off too! (crap… almost blissfully forgot that one)

so yeah, we have debt, and it BLOWS.

and heres the thing with our money situation: i make over $30k a year.

chris makes $12-15k

SO its not very easy for me to just step back and go "im going to go back to school" when i need to work in order for us to HAVE A HOME.

i mean, if he was in management and making the same (though itd be more cuz his next step up is $15 an hour whereas im only $13) itd be no problem. hell, we could probably do both, cuz i know perfectly well i can work 30 hours a week and do school.

but i cant just step back from my position and do it. i mean, if i step down, ill cut my pay to probably $11 or $12… if im lucky.

and then cut down the hours too? no way.

so really… we are definitely more financially set to have a child.

and yeah, we could give it a few years, weve only been married a week… yaddy yaddy ya….

BUT the problem with that: i dont want to be tired and worn out when i have my children. i watched my mother do it. she was practically dying raising brian since she had him when she was 40.

so i dont want to wait a few years HOPING chris will get a better paying job, and THEN start school, spend 3 years doing that, then another 1 or 2 getting set in an actual job, and THEN have a kid when im like, 30+

i know if i have a kid first, unless he does end up getting something in a couple years, and we can afford daycare no problem, i wont be going back to school for, like, 10 years.

josh’s advice is to do school first. and i understand that completely, id have plenty of time for children after that. id be, like… what… 26, 27? no problem. but I CANT AFFORD IT RIGHT NOW. oh, i have no problems taking loans. in my opinion, even if you spend 20 years paying $50 a month for it, its completely and utterly worth it. an education is worth it.

and thats my other problem keeping me from making a decision:

i am both strongly in want of a good education, and its everything ive ever dreamed of. i never EVER thought of living my life without some kind of college degree. but im also a mother. i know it, i feel it. i have always wanted children, and i can hardly wait for one of my very own. i watch my nieces and nephews grow up around me and i can only dream about what one of my own would be like.

so im sitting here, doing nothing but freaking.

i know perfectly well a child is chris’ pick, because he knows we cannot afford me cutting back at work right now, and that we both have talked about having one for, like, 2 years.

he wants a baby to hold, and call his own. he wants to be a daddy.

i want to be a mommy

but i want to be a mommy who doesnt look at her children and think "this kept me from my degree", and i want them to be proud of me, and know that an education IS worth it, and IS important.

*sigh*

going to go.

i think i need ice cream….