Done? Maybe
Ya know, I have always tried to be the best friend that I can be. But it just seems that lately I can’t do a damn thing right anymore. I always say the wrong thing, think the wrong way, feel the wrong feelin, or somethin else wrong. I have few friends in my life as it is, but it seems that the only ones the TRULY understand me, are the ones that have known me the longest.
I have been thinkin lately. I am tired of bein judged cuz I don’t do things the way others think it should be done/handled. I am not perfect.As I realize that no one is. And I admit, I am lazy. But that is no excuse to why I have been feelin the way I have been feelin. I am tired of people assumin. I am the only one that knows the whole situation. I am tired of people thinkin that they truly know me. I have news fer everyone, other then my family, there are only 3 people that TRULY know me. And those 3 people have known me longer then 10 years. And they even have their doubts at times lol. I may be open, but I do have my secrets. I don’t like to hide the way I think or feel, but I have gotten to the point lately that maybe it is time I just keep to myself.
In the past 3 years roughly, I have put up with alot from sooo many people. I have tried my best to do what I think other people would think is best fer me and those I know & love. Yes, I will say that at times, things haven’t worked out fer the best, but fer the most part, I haven’t been me. I am tired. I am tired of tryin to please other people. I am tired of worryin bout what everyone thinks of me. I am tired of regrettin what I have said. I shouldn’t have to regret anythin. I don’t care anymore. The walls are up now.
I actually talked to my mother and a good friend bout this the other day. They both agreed that maybe it is time to back out. I just feel like tellin everyone that I am closin the door, and keepin to myself from now on. If yall want to know what is goin on in my life, read my diray, or my blog (though I rarely use it). Email me, ask me how I am doin, but don’t expect me to tell u my life story fer that day anymore. Cuz I won’t. Hang out with me, great. Let’s have a drink, only one or two, but don’t expect me to be all mushy mushy anymore.
I am sure this will piss off a few people. Well guess what, I don’t give a shit anymore. Yes, I value my friendships, the few I do have. But, as one of my BEST FRIENDS said to me in one of her entries:
OK I want to say a couple things.
As T’s oldest friend I have to say that she is a GREAT FRIEND.
A friend is someone that when u pick up the phone no matter how long it has been they are willing to listen and help on any problems u might be having. A friend will tell u how they feel about what is going on in your life but knows you are the only one that can change things and leaves it at that.
FRIENDS
Don’t judge
Don’t lie
Don’t fight
Don’t get mad
Don’t make you pick
Don’t forget to say Hi even if that is all u can do
Don’t look down on u
FRIENDS
Are there for u always
Are always listening to ur problems
Are telling u when ur stupid
Are always a call away for a shoulder to cry on
Are not mad when u don’t call for 6 months
Are always looking for the truth when people talk about u behind ur back
I could go on and on but I know that some of the things I’m saying I don’t do very well when it comes to T but that is the thing she still thinks of me as her best friend and knows that I think of her alot and I love her. She is a sister to me and in some ways closer to me then my blood sisters. We all make mistakes with our friends and I just think that true friends would put it in the past and move on.
T
Thank you for always being there for me. No matter how long it has been since I have seen u or talked to u. I do think of u alot and I know with the lifes we both have sometimes time doesn’t happen for us to pick up the phone to talk. you have always been there for me ( example the night J left ) and I thank you for that. Over the what 12 or 13 years I couldn’t think of my life without u. Just knowing u are a phone call or email away makes me so happy and LOL if u were a GUY damn what a great husband or boyfriend u would be LOL.
Love you always
I couldn’t have said it better myself. There are a few people in my life right now that I think don’t feeel this way towards me. As true as it is, it still hurts. I don’t like feelin this way. I don’t like puttin up walls. And it is really hard fer me to explain my reasons, I can only hope that people will understand them and me.