:(

I FAILED!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I know alot of people were countin on me. but I failed that damn Insurance Test. But my boss has told me to shrug it off, they are schedulin fer me to take it again this Friday. Hopefully I will do better this time ’round.

Well, on to other news, I know I haven’t been on in awhile, and I apologize fer that. In one of my last entries, I posted a song on how I was feelin that nite. Thanx fer all the kind words. it helps, really.  Here is another song on how I am feelin tonite:

Shania Twain

"It only hurts when I breathe"

Hope life’s been good to you
since you’ve been gone
I’m doin’ fine now — I’ve finally moved on
It’s not so bad — I’m not that sad
I’m not surprised just how well I survived
I’m over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can’t complain — I’m free again
Chorus:
And it only hurts when I’m breathing
My heart only breaks when it’s beating
My dreams only die when I’m dreaming
So, I hold my breath — to forget
Don’t think I’m lyin’ ’round cryin’ at night
There’s no need to worry, I’m really all right
I’ve never looked back — as a matter of fact
Repeat Chorus
It only hurts when I breathe
Mmm, no, I’ve never looked back —
as a matter fact
Repeat Chorus
Hurts when I’m breathing
Breaks when it’s beating
Die when I’m dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe

We are finally closin on the house sell tomorrow. The Ex is supposed to come by the office in the mornin to re-sign another Power of Attorney, as the original one he signed was not Notarized properly. And he is also gonna go ahead and sign the Settlement Statement. I asked him if he would meet me tonite so that we can talk. He said to call him later. Well, I didn’t right away as when I got home, my brother had to come by and hook up my DSL fer me. One good thought fer the nite, right? Either way. I called him after they left, and he said he was in the "Middle of somethin" and he would call me when he was finished. That was an hour ago. I told him I wanted to talk to him, and that I would even buy him dinner, so he wouldn’t have to come to my place. How much u wanna bet he won’t call till it’s too late?

Here’s what I wanna talk to him about. Earlier today, when I told him I needed him to resign the PoA, he gave me grief, sayin that he was busy. I told him that fer the 2 past years he has ridden my ass bout gettin the house taken care of, and now that it is almost complete, he is givin me the run-around. It almost seemed as though he was Brushin me off. But yet when I saw him the other nite, he seemed upset when I didn’t give him a hug good bye? I don’t get it. I just don’t understand him anymore. I found out why he doesn’t come by anymore, and always gives me excuses as to why he can’t make it. Apparently SHE is stalkin him. SHE knows where he is at every freakin nminute of the day. Amongst a few other things I have heard lately. When I talked to him today, he tried to tell me what was goin on. I told him that I didn’t want to know. That unless he plans on includin me 100%, then I don’t want to know. That I am tired of hearin the things that I hear. I would rather not know, and not worry. Then to know, and cry because of the hell SHE is puttin him through. I told him this. Do ya blame me? I was doin perty well there fer a bit. I was able to get people to stop tellin me what was goin on with him and HER. And now, all of a sudden, I am bein thrown right back into the loop again. Oh, the things I heard. And the worst part bout it? I can’t do anythin to help him. One because he doesn’t seem to want my help. And two, cuz  just don’t know how to anymore. He went to the court today to get Custody papers so that he can start filin fer Custody, and he paid $20. The funny part bout that is that he listened to a female friend of his that supposedly "has been dealin with the State" fer some time now, and knew what she was talkin bout. Well, if she was so knowledgable, then why did he spend $20 when he didn’t need to. I told him, after the fact of course, that if he had listened to me, he wouldn’t have paid a single penny fer the documents he needed. That all he had to do was go online and download then, and then print them out. But I told him that’s what he gets. I am tired of tryin to help him. I love him dearly, but I can’t continue to be put in last place. And I can’t do that to my son anymore.

I really don’t know where I am goin with this. I guess I am just ramblin on. I gave him the perfect out the other day. Ihad just heard bout what was goin on with him, and I called him the next mornin. I told him that I know he has been really busy lately. And I am gettin the impression that I am just a speed bump in his life lately. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone. He said no. And to please not start anythin as he was in an extremely bad mood as it was. I told him I wasn’t tryin to "start anythin." I just thought that if I left him alone, that he could do what he needs to do with one less person on his ass bout it. He still insisted that he didn’t want me to leave him alone. Then he said that we would talk later. We didn’t, atleast bout that topic that is.

Like I said, I dunno where I am goin with this, mostly just ramblin. Hey, that’s what a diary is fer right? I guess I am just in one of my moods again. I think that with the huse finally bein taken care, part of me knows that this is the last thing that actually connects us. And once it is gone, I am somewhat afraid that I won’t hear from him again. He says I will. I am not so sure. So I think that part of the reason I want to talk to him tonite is so that I can be the one the breaks things off fer good. Atleast fer now that is.