10/26/05

Wow, so much time has passed since my last entry, and so much has happened. It would take me ALL nite to talk bout it. So I will keep it short as I can as I am very tired.

To start things off, the 2 guys from school that I ran into, we hung out that first weekend, and then this last weekend as well. The one guy that I like, "R," and I got to talk a little bit this past Friday nite. I found out that even though he is interested in me, or so he says, and that he does want a commited relationship, he doesn’t feel ready fer one yet. And I don’t blame him. I want that too, but after what I went through with my X, I don’t want to rush into anythin just yet. But I have made it clear to him that I am very interested in him. But I, myself, as well as he, want to take it day by day. Ya know, see how it goes. Get to know eachother a little more. I will admit, over this past weekend, I have thought that maybe he is out fer one thing. But then, other times I get the impression that he is bein sincere.  Oh well. I am not goin to jump to conclusions just yet. I am takin the advice of many friends of mine, both male and female. Let him lead. Take it slow. I will find out soon enough what he is really after. And I am sure they are right. I am not goin to jump to any conlcusions just yet. I am goin to enjoy the time I spend right now, with or without him. I am not gonna rely on a guy to make my day, or nite fer that matter. I am not gonna do what I am know fer doin, rushin into anythin.

On to my next topic. This past Friday nite I talked to the X. Let me just tell ya, it was an interestin convo to say the least. To make a long story short, apparently his new gf and I know eachother, from back in High School. I guess she asked him, fer shits and giggles, the other day what my maiden, last, name was. When he told her, she asked but my brother and my mom. He verified the info.  I guess supposedly I told him that she had kicked my ass back in High School. Kinda funny though, I never got into a fight with anyone back then. Lots of girls wanted to fight me, but it never happened. But at that time she and I were thick as theives. We even went as far as doin the whole "blood sister" pact. After school, though however, we lost contact. And I started hangin out with this other chick. I had gone to a B-day party with her one time, and my friend from school was there. I don’t know why, but all the girls at that party, includin her, decided they wanted to jump me. When I figured out what was goin on, I left and started to walk home. The "friend" from school followed me fer a few blocks and went back to the party. I didn’t hear or see from her again till a few years later. I remember it was after I had broken up with my last boyfriend, but I don’t remember if it was after I got married. Either way, I was visitin another friend of mine at his place, and she was also livin there, with her husband and 3 kids, 2 at the time, if memory serves. We got along fine that day. But I don’t remember seein her since then. She told X that supposedly the last time she saw me was when she and I and my son went to my see my prior boyfriend. I honestly don’t remember this. But this is what she told my him. I guess it upset him cuz when he told me, I could tell by the sound of his voice. He insinuated that I lied to him bout the X-bf. I told him to leave it alone. What is done is done. We are Divorced now, and he has made it abundantly clear that we aren’t gettin back together at this point, so there is no use in arguin bout it anymore. Then I told him to drop it. He then told me that she had asked him to ask me bout the scar on my hand. I was like which one, my wrist or hand? He said my hand. The he asked me what she meant by that. I told him that if she was talkin bout what I think she is talkin bout, then to please tell her it is gone as she broke her promise. He asked me what I meant by that, again I told him to ask her. I was not gettin into it. We went into other things, I told him I was never aware of her ever bein a model, but then again, there are gaps in the years though. I told him that if he thought I was bad when he met me, that she was 10 times worse then I could ever imagine to be. He said that she "stopped partyin 4 years ago". I reminded him that accordin to his philosophy, people don’t change. I reminded him of his feelins towards Baby Bug’s bio dad. That he felt that he would never, and hasn’t, changed. So think about that before he tells me that she has. I told him that as of today, I do not harbor any hard feelins towards her, as stated before, what has happened is in the past. I am 27 now, I have too many other issues that I am dealin with. I don’t wanna sit here and worry bout someone I haven’t seen in 5-6 years. Maybe she has changed, and if so, then I am happy fer her. If he loves her, which he says he does, then I hope it works fer them, and I am happy fer him. He then gave me his opinion on what he thought I should do bout "R." used what she did with him as an example. I told him I would think bout it.

He called me the next nite to see how it went. I told him that I decided to go bout this my way and not take his advice. He said ok. Not once did he bring his new gf up. I kept the convo short. I let him go. Came up with some excuse. Needless to say, I haven’t talked to him since. I have done some thinkin since then. And I have come to a conclusion.  I will still talk to him when, and if, he calls.  And this may sound a little conceited, but I don’t mean it that way. But it was stated a few weeks back that the reason he continues to talk to me is to keep me as back up. Ya know, if things don’t work out with her. Well, true or not, it won’t happen. If, fer some strange reason, he were to come to me and ask me to take him back. I would have to say no. Over these past few months I would tell people that I would take him back if he were to do that. And up until this week, I would’ve. But now, I wouldn’t. I can honestly say that as much as I still Love him, and want to be with him, I wouldn’t take him back now. Part of it has to do with that he is with her now. But the other part of it is cuz he told me he loves her.  Now I know him perty darn well. After a month and a half? Maybe, maybe not. He supposedly fell in love with me after 2 months. So who’s to say, right? But I heard him tell me he loves her. That’s all I needed to hear to make me move on.

With every thing that I have heard over the past few weeks, I can’t help but wonder though, was it all a lie? Did he play me fer 6 years of my life? Was it all just a waste? I guess I will never really know. What I do know is that it is time. Time to let go and move on.