1 Day at a time

Well, things are gettin a little easier to deal with now. It still  hurts when I think of how much I miss him and need him, but at the same time, I find that I am rememberin all the good times we shared, and I can’t help but smile. With all the pain I have been feelin lately, I still smile. I hold those memories close to my heart. They are all I really have now. Yes, I LOVE him, and I always will. I still don’t see myself bein with anyone else. But I can also say that at this exact moment, I am glad that he is movin on. A part of me will always be sad and heart broken that he has decided not to work things out with me. But at the same time, a part of me is also glad that he can try and be happy too. I talked to him the other nite on the phone. He was eatin dinner with some friends of his. I couldn’t hear clearly what was bein said, other then the things he was sayin, and all I could do was get upset at him.I had asked him if he wanted me to let him go so he could eat, he said no, that he was able to talk and eat at the same time. He asked me what I did that nite. I told him that I went out dancin with a friend of mine. He asked me if I had a good time. I said that yeah, fer the most part I did. He said that was good. Then his friends started in on him and drawin his attention away from me. I hear him laugh. It has been sooooo long since I have hear him laugh the way he did that nite. At the time it hurt. So, what did I do? I hung up on him. But now, lookin back, that was stupid of me to do. As much as it hurt, it was nice to hear him laugh. It is nice to know that some part of him is happy. He deserves that.With everythin that has gone wrong in his life, he needs somethin good to happen fer him. I used to think that I was the only "female" that could make him happy. I guess I was wrong. But atleast he has someone, right? And from what I understand, she is smart, very smart. She is apparently goin places. In my opinion, she will have more and better opportunities then I could ever imagine to have. I am happy fer him.

I wish him all the happiness in the world, I really do. Some might call this particular entry my closure entry. I don’t. I honestly don’t think that I can close this chapter in my book. But I can say though that I am ready to move forward with my life. With or without him, I think it is time.

Don’t get me wrong, I still want to be with him, but I know now that it will most likely never happen. And I think I am at that point now where I am ready to deal with it. It still hurts, and I know it will fer some time now, but it is time to get over it. I am not sayin that I am goin to put myself on the market yet, I am not ready fer that step. I still truly feel that he will hold my heart fer a LONG time. But atleast I can move on with the other parts of my life.

Fer the last several days, I have found myself thinkin of everythin that we have been throuh. And I smile, rather then cry. Like the LeAnne Rymes song in one of my earlier entries states:

Sometimes I feel I’m so lucky to have had the chance to love this much

I do feel that I am lucky. At times in past relationships, if you want to call them that, I thought I was in love. I wasn’t. I was in lust. I was comfortable. He is my first Real Love. He will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart and memory. But I guess it is time to let go. Let go of what I can’t have anymore. Let go of somethin that I can look back on and truly smile.