Anybody’s Guess/Lists

*Started last night*

I spent a lot of time reading Scriptures and listening to speakers who didn’t transmit any nasty or gloaty “in-depth” messages over the airwaves. I prayed and partook in some spiritual rejuvenation, too. Tomorrow I’ll be doing the same. Monday is anybody’s guess.

I was so spiritually malnourished it took a while for my fire to get lit up. There’s always a shift in my reading voice once my flesh stops squirming, and I break past the enemy’s distractions.

It was much needed, though. Certain psalms stood out more than others. Basically, the ones that pertain to my current situation.

The thing I have to remember is that the Almighty is in charge. Neither me nor my enemies have the last word on anything pertaining to my life. 

Whatever is going on right now is being allowed for a reason. I am supposed to focus on Him and not Daily Barnum & Bailey, fail-whisperers, or anything else. I’m supposed to handle things with grace and forgiveness, even when it’s hard, and even when other people make it harder. It’s being allowed for some greater purpose and will all work out for His glory, no matter which way it goes.

Yesterday, I found an old “list of names” I had written down some years ago. It was very personal, much like the rest of my stuff that had been rummaged through. It was supposed to be a list of people who had hurt me in any way, from the slightest little bit to the most heinous and malicious things that could have caused my complete destruction.

The purpose of the list was to ensure I had “forgiven anything that had not been forgiven.” There was a separate list for people I had offended, and I’d already apologized and attempted to make amends long ago. Sometimes people don’t want amends or resolutions, though. They (or someone in their circle) want control, whipping sticks, or smear ammunition instead. I’ll just leave it at that.

I started writing the list in order of the most recent hurt to my distant past and jotted them down as I remembered them. They weren’t all romantic relationships. Some were friends or family. Some were acquaintances, schoolmates, and just random people I thought of.

Well, I never finished the list because I realized how much I had actually gone through in this life and how many people I came across who just plain didn’t wish me well. Honestly, it was much easier for me to do a “collective” forgiveness than to try to jot down every individual hurtful thing.

I forgave most of it many moons ago. Newer stuff and more recent ambushes were a little more difficult and took a little while to release, but I did it.

I did forgive everyone, but I also chose not to reconcile, re-friend, re-acquaint, re-apply, etc. in many cases. Freedom of choice?

Only two people from that list had ever acknowledged or admitted the pain they had dished out to me. I stayed platonic friends with one until we discovered we didn’t have similar faiths and they disappeared, lmao. The other acknowledgement wasn’t a real acknowledgement, and the apology wasn’t sincere. So I didn’t respond, but I did forgive.

I was never seeking acknowledgement or apologies, BTW. Just stating how many people didn’t take the full gaslighting or scapegoating routes. Not many.

I never previously broadcast that I had forgiven these individuals and “let go”. It wasn’t for them. It was for me and didn’t require a formal announcement.

I will continue to forgive, let go of, and hand things over, though.

I think some folks were expecting or hoping for a different reaction to all the shenanigans of late. I believe they know they’ve done intentional things that even a “real saint” or they themselves would have a hard time dealing with in their own strength.

That anticipated reaction hasn’t come and will never come because it’s not who I am. I operate in peace. I show up in love, and I don’t plot and orchestrate punishments or take vengeance. I leave those things to the Almighty, pray for myself and other people, and continue to move forward in this life. When my strength isn’t enough, I call upon His.