Another Rebuild, I Guess

I guess I was tired. I came in at about 7 p.m. to take a “short rest” that ended up being an extended nap until just now. There isn’t anything open to even attempt to earn anything more, so I guess I’ll be cleaning and reading until there is. There’s that or the option to go back to sleep. We’ll see.

I’m completely out of resources and back in a hole that will take five to 10 years to climb out of. So it’s just been one day at a time and one mountain at a time. Financial mountains develop for me quickly anytime anything happens, and every time I take a step forward in this life, something happens that always pushes me 16 steps back.

I’ll need to make a lot of phone calls to bring awareness to my situation and set expectations. Yes, it’ll be taken care of, but no, it won’t be anytime soon.

I’m a bit tired of repeatedly having to climb out of pits and booby traps, but such has been my story for a lifetime. I’m also tired of being smeared by sore losers, growth/change deniers, haters, and the “We say you’re NOT a child of God” clan, but such has also been my story. I am who I am, and it’s not up for debate, nor are any stories about my past I’ve already told.

I’ve been poked, prodded, evaluated/analyzed, threatened, taunted, and screwed with six ways to Sunday over the past couple months, but it’s really been going on behind the scenes for years. It’s just more at the forefront now.

I’ve been rejected, ignored, toyed with, and had pain and past stuff thrown back in my face a few good times, too. I handled it the best I could given the circumstances. Shed a few tears yesterday and moved on.

Lately, I’ve been sticking to keeping my eye on one job application while working only one gig and one public service for all my income. It’s all I can do right now. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been all I have.

There’s not really much of a choice but to keep doing those things until something comes through, if ever. I can’t do nothing, so I have to do something until the right thing presents itself. If and when it does, I’ll have to work the public service around it and either bench or terminate the gig. If it doesn’t, I’ll have to find another way.

The public service task zaps energy and requires rest, liquids, and good food to regenerate. I guess that’s why I was a bit tired earlier.

The gig is what it is and has only ever been about food or rides. There’s no love for, interest in, or involvement with any other facets of the company. There never has been.

It makes no sense to apply for jobs I won’t stay at for lack of hours, not enough pay, bad blood, unreasonable and unequal commitments, or not fitting in at all. So I haven’t been. I interact with businesses and people within the confines of a specific task, and that’s it.

At this time, I can only do what I can do with what I have, which isn’t much. I guess I can look forward to climbing out of yet another pit until I reach the actual age of a senior citizen eligible for social security. That won’t actually occur for many, many more years.