You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone

That’s what I got from Oz today.  He didn’t know what he had until he didn’t have me anymore.  He’s enjoying life on his own, but he misses his home.  He misses his family.  He’s still afraid of the stresses here being too much, but he wants to come home.  He’s realized he’s messed things up and just wants to work it out again.  Sounds like he’s learned a life lesson here.

It seems like it’s all the little things he misses.  He seems to miss me watching him play video games and making peanut gallery comments.  He misses the way I can grocery shop on a budget, but always manage to buy the good stuff in the end.  I let him splurge at the grocery store too and get a couple things that I won’t touch but he really wants.  As much as this girl does offer him a place to live where the stress of the kids isn’t so bad and she’s got financial stability, it’s lonely.  He misses us.

While that may not sound like much, it really means the world to me.  After all, at the end of the day it’s all the little things that make the relationship work, not a few big ones.  Yes, the big things matter, but it’s those little moments that make the most difference.  All the little things really add up.  I’m just glad that he’s finally realized what he’s got here and how much he wants it back.

I love him so much and I can’t wait to have him back here!  We still need our time, but we’re working on it.  Progress is being made.  Things are happening.  Life is coming together.  It won’t be long before we’re ready to be back together.  At the very least, I want him to come home to the house being clean and organized.  Perhaps it won’t be perfect, but it will be a lot more peaceful, tolerable, and easy to manage.

We’ve had a lot of stuff in this house that just needs to be let go.  A year ago, six bags of toys went to Goodwill.  This year Caelan took at least three more, possibly four.  I don’t really remember.  I’ve taken seven bags of stuff, mostly clothes, to Goodwill again today.  I’m planning on taking some more stuff there tomorrow, probably another bag of clothes and a couple toys, though I don’t think I’ll be able to go through all the toys in storage before then.  I’ll probably take another trip down there on Thursday, just to keep it from building up in the house, if I have a trunk-full by then.  I’ll probably have the last of the stuff for Goodwill taken there by Friday, at least the stuff from the storage closet and Caelan’s room.  Then all I need to worry about is the downstairs closet, the kids’ room, and the downstairs toy box.  It’s incredible how much stuff is in this house!  It’s going to feel really good to cut it all back to a manageable amount!

I guess in this case it’s just the reverse.  I don’t know what I have, which is why it needs to be gone!  There is just so much junk and clutter built up in this house, much of it being child related.  We’ve got to work at cutting back on the stuff we have.  We have so many toys that we’ve just been hanging on to for no reason.  We’ve got clothes that Beekee has long since outgrown, and Corde too.  I should have gotten rid of it all sooner.  Realistically, by the time the baby is big enough to wear clothes for a one year old, I’m sure I can get more.  In reality, it’s going to cost us more sanity in space and everything else to hang on to it, especially with us moving.  We have clothes I’ve been given that I just don’t wear.  We have clothes I’ve had for ages that just don’t suit me anymore.  I love them, but the reality is it’s time to give them up to someone who will love them as much as I have.  We have things that really should have been let go years back, but I’ve been hanging on to for stupid sentimental reasons, like my postcards and things from my trip to Europe.  Yes, it’s nice to look back on them, but I never do.  They just take up space.  I just really need to purge.

I think that’s what this is about for both Oz and I.  We’re carrying so much baggage from our lives that we just need a chance to take some space and just purge everything we no longer need.  In my case, it’s a lot of physical stuff.  Much of the emotional baggage has been dealt with from my last relationship, but the stuff hasn’t.  I’m holding on to things that have long outlived their usefulness in my life because my husband would rather just throw everything into a closet and forget about it than deal with things, process, and purge.  That probably says a lot for his mental state too.  He still won’t let go of his past.  Now I’m left with all this stuff, most of which I don’t need anymore.  I’m left with things I’ve held on to because I need reassurance when I give things up.  I just need someone to tell me that it’s okay to let go.  Once I have that, I can be quite ruthless.  I’ve needed someone in my life who can tell me it’s okay to let go of these things, or better still, that it’s important for me to let go of these things.  As much as Oz has been incredibly supportive of my ability to let go of these things that have been dragged from house to house and move to move, I’m proud of myself.  I’m making these ruthless decisions on what stays and what goes based on my own mind, not on asking anyone what they think about these things.  I’m making this progress on my own.  I feel so much better already watching each item, each bag of goods leave my house, knowing that it won’t be back again.  It’s a little sad to see things my children have played with and clothes they used to wear, the marks of their progress through the ages, leave my home to go to someone I don’t even know.  Still, I know it’s for the best.  I can’t hang on to everything forever.  It’s time to be realistic and simply let go.

In Oz’s case, I think it’s a lot more mental.  This is kind of his farewell to single life.  These are his last days of being unattached.  Even if we break up again at this point, he’s always going to have another little life to rely on him.  This child isn’t like his son, someone he may never know.  We both want him intimately involved in this baby’s life.  He’s been there from the start.  His goodbye to that old life of child-free freedom isn’t an easy one on him.  He’s now got no choice but to grow up.  He’s got to let go of the life he used to live, running from relationship to relationship, looking to find what he thinks he wants.  He needs to take some time to let go of all the troubles and stresses he’s had at the house.  He’s got to let go of the fear of turning into his step-dad, the only real father he’s ever known.  He’s got a lot of emotional baggage he’s got to cast off in order to approach this relationship on steadier footing.  I think with what he’s going through right now, he’s starting to transi

tion from that old life into one where he’s more prepared to handle the challenges we’re going to face in this relationship.

This whole thing could be very good for us.  We’ve got a chance to get ourselves straightened out.  In the end, we can hopefully come back to this stronger and more committed.  Things are really starting to look up again.

~*~Rave~*~