Well, I’m back…

How long has it been since I’ve written?  I’m not even sure I know anymore.  I know it’s as simple as checking out my last entry, seeing when it was written, but I’m not sure I honestly want to know.

Since I’ve written last I’ve moved more times than I care to mention.  I honestly don’t want to have to move again any time soon.  I’ve lived with that bitch, Annie, though that wasn’t supposed to be the situation.  Her alcoholic mom called CPS on us and made my life more challenging than she needed to.  Caelan has been trying to make my life hell too.  It hasn’t been fun, or easy.

I made a resolution this year.  I would quit dance if I can’t make my business profitable and successful.  This is my last chance, and if I go out, I want to go out with a bang.  I knew it would be challenging, but I was positive I could do it.  If I gave myself no option of failure because failing would mean giving up something I love, I would have to succeed.  I could never give up dance.  Everyone knows that!

To be honest, I think I’ve already made up my mind.  This is beyond the scale of burnout.  I’ve been burnt out before.  I’ve gotten run down and worn out before.  I know what that feels like.  Burnout is those moments when I just don’t feel like dancing anymore.  I don’t want to teach class.  I don’t want to dance.  I’d rather just curl up and watch a good movie while being lazy all day long.  I don’t want to dance anymore because I feel like all I ever do is dance and I’m exhausted by the mere thought of it!

I’m quitting dance if things don’t change and soon.  I’ve had enough!  I honestly don’t even want to suffer through until the end of the year.  I’m starting to hate everything about dance.  I don’t want to watch dance videos.  I don’t want to listen to dance music.  I don’t want to look at costumes.  I don’t even want to think about anything that has to do with dance.  I hate dance so much right now that I want to sell all of my costumes today and be done with it.

Actually, I’ll be fair.  If I was able to use my profits towards dance, I’d still be loving it!  Nothing cheers me up like the ability to buy a new costume!  Those weeks of anticipation while everything is crafted and shipped out are almost unbearable at times!  I wait impatiently for the mail each day, hoping my parcel will arrive.  Once it does I open it up and look over each piece with a critical eye.  It’s usually not until months later that I see the flaws in the design, the little quirks that make that particular piece or pieces not quite what I had been hoping for.  At the point I get it, it’s new, incredible, and perfect.  I can’t wait until my next change to put it on and dance!  It gets tucked delicately away in the closet (because it’s a personal superstition about putting a costume on before the dress rehearsal…) and I wait eagerly to pull it out right before the next show.

There’s nothing quite like the experience of putting on my costume for that first practice before a new show.  I spend a good ten minutes just prancing around in it.  I usually don’t end up rehearsing the song in actuality.  I just end up bouncing around, light on my feet and excited to be wearing something so new and pretty.  I spend a good deal of time in front of the mirror figuring out just what my hair needs to do in order to compliment the costume.  I consider what kinds of accessories I may need to make to accent it just right.  Then when all is said and done, I take it off and await the next show.

I can’t tell you how much I love the debut of a new costume.  It’s not even so much about the new costume itself.  I love getting a chance to mix and match old costume pieces for a drastically different look.  It always helps when I hear how incredibly stunning I look, or how beautiful my costume is, but in truth, that doesn’t even matter.  I love being able to trot on stage wearing something new.  I love being able to show off my little piece of creativity, the way I chose to blend the colors and textures together.  Getting dressed for the show is perhaps my favorite part.

Unfortunately, there are no new costumes in my future.  I realized just the other day that I’ve made more than enough to purchase a new costume, shipping and all, but I can’t.  My dance money is needed elsewhere.  Instead of being able to buy myself a beautiful costume, I’ve had to put my money towards rent and bills.

It’s not just costuming that saddens me.  I’m not able to buy new business cards, and I’m running so low I’m afraid to hand any out to all but the most dedicated prospects.  I’m not able to put together fliers for our upcoming shows and events.  I can’t get new music.  I can’t do anything!  It’s so incredibly frustrating!

Honestly, I don’t want to do it anymore!  I don’t want to risk hating dance forever.  I’m tired of the same old costumes.  I’m tired of the same old music.  I need something new and fresh.  I need a change.  I need my dance business to be something that makes me happy.  I’m not happy with it right now.

I’m going to give it my all.  This is going to be my last ditch effort.  Either things change or they don’t.

What kills me the most with this, I would be exactly where I wanted to be were it not for Oz.  I love him dearly, but he can’t keep a job to save his life.  He really needs to grow up and take on some adult responsibility.  He complains that he has to do all of the cooking, cleaning, diaper changes, and baths.  To be honest, I could care less!  I’m the one that’s supporting this family right now.  100% of my dance income is on reserve for household expenses.  100% of the child support goes into rent and bills.  There’s no money left over to put into my business and there’s no money left over to buy the kids new clothes or anything else they need.  I’m behind on the car insurance to the point where my car is uninsured, something very illegal in the state of Texas.  We’re so far behind on our phones that our cell phones are going to be shut off at the beginning of the month.  I’m starting to feel like there’s just no hope.  I’m going to have to quit dance, get a "normal job" and put the kids in school.  I can tell you this much, I’m not letting Oz ruin my dance business and then do nothing but sit around the house all day.  If I have to go that route, he’s gone.  I’m not going to tolerate going through that again.  I suffered enough with Caelan.

Honestly, this is Oz’s last chance.  Either I get my dance money returned to my business and quickly, or I

‘m done with him, and I’m done with dance.  If I can’t put money back into my business, I’ll be running it into the ground.  It won’t be long before the local venue I perform at isn’t interested in having me dance.  If things don’t stay fresh and new, we’re going to start losing people coming in the door when I need the event to be making money.  If I’m the only one that can’t stay on top of new, flashy, and different, I’m going to find some other dancer stepping up to take charge and I’m just going to get lost on it all.  I’m not going to be able to afford new costumes with the rest of the troupe, so where the troupe is concerned, I’ll be voted off the island with my own dance troupe.  I’ll pretty much run out of options and I’m going to be far more bitter and hateful of everything involved with dance.  Worse, I’m going to stagnate.  No one wants to learn from a dance teacher who has been doing the same old style of dance for the past ten years.  Without growth and improvement, eventually my students will surpass me, start teaching on their own, and I’ll be left in the dirt.

I just can’t do this anymore.  Things need to change quickly or I’m done.

Rave