Well Earned Exhaustion

I swear, I don’t even know myself anymore.  Everyone keeps trying to tell me it’s nesting, but I know that’s not the case.  There’s a difference between nesting and driving yourself to exhaustion for something you really don’t feel like doing but know needs to get done.  I’m definitely going through the latter of the two.

I don’t know what it is, but I never really nested with either of my other kids.  I think it’s because I know my living situation is just temporary.  Until I know I’ll be staying in the same place several months after the baby is born, it’s awful difficult to motivate to make the house ready for a baby.  After the baby gets here I’m just to exhausted.  Of course, it never much helped that I had Caelan living with me before.  He was completely useless when it came to keeping the house clean, even when I was the one pulling in the income!

Now I’m living with Oz who is severely stressed out by the mess.  Once he gets frustrated enough he cleans like a madman!  Of course, I know it’s not fair for him to be the working one to come home to the house being a mess.  I’ve been trying to motivate.  I’ve been trying to overcome my natural habit of not cleaning.  I’ll admit it, I hate cleaning more than anything!  I have to say, I’m also bringing in a bigger income from Caelan than Oz is bringing in the house, so I don’t think he has much right to complain.  Even so, I understand how he feels in all of this.  He can’t stand messes and I get that.  Living in a mess drives me nuts too.

However, it’s not nesting that’s got me cleaning the house, but Oz.  He and I almost met an end in our relationship over me not cleaning and his situation with the girl from work.  While I can’t do anything much about the situation with the girl from work, he knows how I feel and has started to be very respectful of it.  It seems like he’s much more willing to work with me now that I’m actually making an effort around here.  He knows how much this is against my nature.  He knows how hard I’m trying to get this house in order.  I know he’d rather me just go through and do it all in one swoop much like he’d do, but he’s being very patient with my way of getting things done.  On top of that, he knows I tire out easily with pregnancy and I just don’t know how to keep house and all that.  If it weren’t for him, I think I would give up entirely and go back to my easier way of living.

Things are coming along.  Unlike Oz’s way of cleaning which rarely lasts more than a week, my way is actually making progress.  Yes, the house looks a million times worse than when I started.  However, in the process when things get put away they actually have a permanent home.  I’m going through and getting rid of old things we no longer need.  I’m organizing stuff into what needs to be stored and what needs to be out and available for use.  That which needs to be available is finding a place it belongs rather than just getting stuffed somewhere to be forgotten.  I’ve packed up my work-in-progress pile into a bin instead of just having it scattered all over the place as usual.  Well, it’s usually confined to a corner, but that corner is getting cluttered and chaotic, which is making it appear so much more scattered.  I’ve got all the baby clothes cleaned and packed up in a box, ready to be used when the baby comes.

I think if we can find a way to make this work where I’m the at-home parent, I could actually settle into this.  While I hate this cleaning stuff, keeping after things isn’t nearly so bad when I’m with someone who appreciates it.  Oz doesn’t object to spending money on needed things for the house.  Maybe some day we can actually have nice things like curtains and nice bedroom sets.  I’ve got visions of nice matching dishes, matching silverware, and a nice kitchen set dancing in my head.  I’m imagining actually having end tables and other useful furniture!  This could be the start of a normal family life!  This is the first sense of a normal house I’ve had since I first envisioned moving out on my own!  Knowing I’ve got that kind of potential in my future, it’s much easier to work towards keeping a nice house.  After all, if some day I have a nice house, I’ll definitely want to be able to keep it night.  Maybe that’s all I was missing in this whole housekeeping thing, a good man to give me incentive to try!

So, no, it’s not nesting that’s got me productive.  It’s that mysterious thing about Oz that I just don’t get.  It’s that thing that makes me so attached to him without understanding why.  It’s inspired me to completely change things about myself for the better.  I don’t know what it is about that boy, but he’s making me into someone I don’t even recognize anymore!  He’s somehow turning me into even more of a responsible grown-up than I already was!

~*~Rave~*~