Trying My Best

There aren’t many people in this world I would change for.  I like being who I am, as much as I may have my own degree of laziness and not be the ideal, well, anything.  I’ll freely admit that if I can have someone else do something for me, I will so that I can slack off.

However, I don’t know what it is about this guy, but I’m willing to change so much just to keep him happy.  I’ve never really been this way for anyone else.  I don’t even really get it myself.  I’ve never been like this for anyone, so why him?  Why the one person that frustrates me so much and makes me wish I could just give up on him?  Why am I willing to try so hard to make it work with him?  Why am I fighting so hard when I should just give up on him?  We’re having a child together, yes, but that doesn’t mean we’ll be together forever or anything.  It’s not about the baby, surprisingly enough.

As much as he frustrates me and drives me insane, knowing he’s happy is enough to make me smile.  Having him near me is comfortable and familiar.  I can just sit there on the couch with him while he plays video games and I’m happy with that.  We don’t need to be doing something together at all times.  I enjoy the time we have without the kids.  In general, I’m just happiest when I can see him smile, especially when I know I’m part of the reason.  I can’t explain it.  There’s just something about him, and it hurts so much to see him suffering depression and fears of his own, though I suppose it’s to be expected with a child on the way and not exactly the perfect life.

It all started as little drips.  I try and do a little cleaning here, a little there.  I’ve never actually gone and put any real effort to it.  I’ll be honest.  I’m lazy.  It overwhelms me.  In general, I hate doing it and everything about it.  I just don’t enjoy anything about being a housewife.  I’d rather hire a maid and a cook and not be bothered so I can focus on the things I want to do.  For me, even a little bit of effort in the cleaning department is a huge deal.

Since Oz has expressed to me how he feels, I’ve really been making an effort to turn things around.  I made sure to get the table cleared off.  I brought all the clothes that were on the couch upstairs.  I took care of a majority of the dishes.  There’s a load in the dish washer waiting to be put away and another sitting stacked up and waiting to go.  After that, the dishes will be done.  Today I’m planning to get everything taken to donations that’s been planning to go for months.  I want to get laundry done.  I want to put all the baby clothes together in one big box so we can sort through it and figure out what we’ll need first.  If I’m feeling really ambitious I might clean up my craft corner again and attack the disaster we call a bedroom.

I suppose some of this could be written off as nesting.  A lot of women go through that towards the end of their pregnancy.  The idea is that the house has to be ready for the baby.  Things have to be set in order, and a lot of that happens with cleaning.  Once the house is ready for the baby, the baby arrives and everything is that much less stressful.

That’s really not what’s going on around here.  I’ve never been one to really nest the way most women do.  I figure the baby is going to have to get used to the kind of house I run and there’s nothing more to it than that.  However, things are stressing Oz out more than he was letting on.  As a result, it’s suddenly become important for me to try and get the house in order and the clutter under control.  I don’t know why he should be the catalyst for change in my life.  I don’t know why he should make any difference at all.  No one else I’ve ever cared for has been able to make a difference, so why him?  Why now?  What’s so special about him?

I guess I just don’t get it.  Maybe I’m being a fool and wasting my time.  He’s young and doesn’t know what he wants with his life.  I know a part of him still wants to be able to have wild flings with random women, though I don’t think he really gets that most women see him and want a family, not a fling.  He still wants a lot of his freedom, and he says he’s willing to give that up for the kids and I, but I don’t know if he’s ready.  It terrifies me that I’m completely so lost in someone who may decide they’re not ready for the kind of relationship I want in my life right now.  It terrifies me that I may be making all these changes for someone who will decide I’m not good enough and he can’t be happy enough with me.

The effect this one person has on my life is terrifying to me.  Yes, he’s bringing about positive change, but what if he leaves me?  What if I end up alone in all of this?  I don’t know.  It’s just so worrisome.

~*~Rave~*~