The Silence Is Broken

We can talk now.  What a relief.  Today we have to go to a memorial service for a sodlier.  This has hit everyone really hard, especially since this soldier always treated my husband like a person, never treated him different because of his rank.  He had a hard enough time catching up to his unit as a Private.  However, this one soldier never cared.  From everything he’s said, he was a good guy.  I wouldn’t know.  I never got to see him at more than a distance.

I told Caelan the other day that I had always thought he should invite this soldier and his family over.  My husband liked him well enough and I thought it would be nice for him.  He might enjoy getting a chance to have a friend over for a while.  It would be good for him to have a friend.  I never did.  I didn’t want to push Caelan beyond his comfort zone.  When I said that, Caelan admitted he had thought about it too.  He just never did.  I think he regrets it now.

There are so many details just racing around my head.  The soldier wasn’t happy.  I could tell when Caelan pointed him out to me.  Then hearing some of the details of his life, I’m almost not surprised he looked unhappy.  He was demoted due to a positive drug test.  He had problems with his marriage.  When you look at it that way, it could have been just about anyone around here.  I keep trying to tell myself that maybe he didn’t suffer.  Maybe he’s somehow been relieved of his pain in all of this.  Maybe there is a silver lining, but that’s just hope.  That’s just my feeble attempt to reach out and see this as something other than a tradgedy.  I always try and look for a bright side to everything, no matter how bad, and probably will keep doing so until the day I die.  I have to.  That’s what keeps me plodding along when things get so terribly bad.

So as a way to commemorate September 11th, a soldier was burned alive in his house.  Talk about a memorial…  Caelan never told me they found a body in the house too burned to recognize.  I found that one out from reading his OD.  If you want to read it, here is where it can be found.  He must have since been identified as his family has been informed and they’re holding a memorial today.  I’m torn.  I want to be supportive and go, but at the same rate, I don’t know the man.  I never was so much as introduced.  All I got was a "That guy over there.  That’s (insert name here)".  I somehow feel like I shouldn’t be there because of that.  I’ll be burdening myself with everyone else’s emotions for no good reason.  However, I want to support Caelan.  He’s needed me a lot right now.  I want to go show I’m supportive of the unit.  I’ll even admit, a part of me wants to go just to show the temporary FRG leader that I’m going to be dedicated to the unit, even if she’s back.  She’s our former FRG leader that quite possibly is the reason the FRG fell apart, or one of them.  I don’t know.  I’m just not sure I belong there with soldiers and their families.  I don’t even really know any of them.  I’m still an outsider there.

The world is filled with too much death.  There’s enough going on with war, accidents, and all of that.  This is a case of senseless murder.  Why do we need to add to the amount of death in this world?  What is with this constant obsession with killing?  For what?  Stupidity?  Anger?  Hatred?  To send a message?  Because they’re different?  What constitutes a good reason?  Self defence, I’ll buy, but to burn a man alive in his own home?  I don’t think that’s self defence.  For all I know, he could have been sleeping in his own bed, dreaming happy thoughts of his wife and daughter.  Who would need to defend themselves against that?  It’s bad enough with all the drunk drivers and other accidental deaths based off of stupidity and lack of judgement, but the intentional acts of murder, or even just damage to property have no excuse.  It’s a deliberate, knowledgeable act of violence against another person.

Over here, you expect them to be safe.  You expect them to live their lives day to day.  Over there, you expect them to be in danger.  You expect the mortars, the firefights, and everything else.  When they’re gone, you’ll jump at an unexpected knock at the door, maybe peek out the window or through the peephole before you open the door, just so that you can know.    Of course, you’ll feel like a fool when you see it’s just UPS or one of the neighborhood kids asking to mow your lawn.  In a way, you’re braced for it.  You’ve got that idea that something could happen.  But when they’re here, you kiss them on the cheek and send them off to work and expect them to come home safe.  You never expect to hear that soemthing bad happened.  You never expect to be notified when they’re home.  Why would you?  They’ve been in a war zone.  In comparison, they should be safe.

This death and loss thing, it’s just getting too hard.  This is the third year in a row that my family has been hit with a loss.  First it was my grandfather.  Last year was my great-grandmother.  This year it’s Caelan’s friend.  Next year they’ll be deployed and in a war zone.  I hate to sound heartless, but the trend is only likely to continue.  It would be nice if they all came home safe.  That’s certainly what I’m hoping for, but I’ve got to brace myself for the reality that next year may be another year of losses.

Caelan’s starting to recover from this.  I knew he would.  He still bounces back to taking it really hard every now anda gain, but each day he’s getting better.  We’ve talked about inviting the friend over that he met in his Arabic class, the one he wants to do WWII reenactments with.  He wanted to wait until they get home from NTC.  I asked him why he should wait?  In reality, the best time to start changing his life is now.  Even if it’s just having him over for dinner one night, or going out somewhere, he really should do this now.  Maybe give it a week or so while he’s still dealing with this loss, but it’s time to get back to life as normal, not because he doesn’t deserve time to grieve, but because doing nothing but dwelling on it isn’t going to help anyone.  He needs to deal with this, but he also needs to live his life.  He needs to take advantage of the time he has because life is fleeting.  This is all too realistic proof.  On top of that, he’s in the Army.  In truth, he’ll go to NTC and then before long they’ll deploy and he’ll always have an excuse never to get together with this kid.  Then what happens if one of them doesn’t come back?  What happens if when they get back, one gets PCSed out of here?  Wh

at if they just lose touch, like the kids Caelan used to know before he left?  You never know what the future will bring, so you may as well make what you can of it each moment you have.

I’m not going to push him.  I’ll certainly encourage, but not push.  I know the only person who can make him do anything is himself.  All I can do is exactly what I’ve been doing, trying to find a way to do what I can for him, to be there when he needs me.  I know I’m not the kind of person who can really help him.  I can’t just sit there and rub his back, especially now that it’s fading into fall.  I need to be doing something.  I’ve been crafting a lot because of it.  The day before all this happened, I taught myself to crochet.  I needed something to take the nervous tension away, so I decided to learn something new.  Now I’m crocheting Caelan a blanket.  That’s just how I am.  It’s what I do.  When I want to do something special for someone, I make them something.  For Caelan, he wants the physical presence.  We had the best of both yersterday because he curled up around me while I sat there crocheting his blanket, laying the end across his lap as I worked.  He stuck his fingers through the little holes the pattern made, investigated the way it worked.  We talked about things that didn’t matter, like how crochet works and the kids riding big wheels in the street.  The windows were open and the fresh, warm air was blowing through the house, almost as though it were breathing.  The sunshine played across the floor and the children were surprisingly quiet.  It was one of those moments when I realized just what things would be like if we can finally work out our own problems.  I’ve found this reserve of energy to encourage him again, without pushing, fighting, or nagging.  I think we’ll be alright.  We’ve been through so much before, I think we can get through this too.

On Saturday I went to the drum circle.  We danced, as usual.  I told my friends what was going on.  I almost didn’t do fire that night.  I didn’t want to.  I was all torn up.  Then Hawk asked if I’d go out there with him, as did Gina.  Then Deborah, who I’d never gotten to share the stage with asked if I’d go out with her.  I was kind of apathetic when I agreed to go out with Gina and Hawk, but when Deborah asked me, she just has this spark to her.  There’s something about her when she lights up, it’s like it ignites some spark within her.  As soon as I was wet down and ready to go, I hopped on out and danced.  I danced my heart out!  And then as the fire started to die down, I felt the cool wet drops of rain spitting down from the sky.  By the time the fires had all faded out, the rain began to come down hard and heavy.  Most of the drummers fled, but one stayed.  We laughed and danced.  I hadn’t danced in the rain since before Corde was born.  I actually did a Turkish drop!  I must be crazy.  It wasn’t very good, but I did one.  I danced until I was so exhausted that I didn’t want to move.  My clothes were so heavy and wet that I felt like I was made of lead.  I had to track down my shirt and sweatshirt (I wear a sports bra when I do fire in the summer because I get too hot), and my sandals (I always dance barefoot) because someone was nice enough to get them out of the rain, but no one could remember who ended up with it all!  I felt the frustration, the sorrow, the anger, the impatience, the pain, all melting away, right off my body and into the ground.  I was finally able to let go and refresh.

I came home that night, stripped down, and hung my wet clothing up.  I crawled into bed and woke Caelan up.  I told him I was home.  I told him I danced in the rain.  Then I just held him for as long as he needed it.  It was like someone had hit my reset button and I’d finally had a chance to unwind so I could take care of someone other than me.  Even though I had been able to dance before, I’d been able to have my time to myself, nothing had been like this.  Maybe I just needed to dance in the rain.

Where things will go from here, I really don’t know.  I’m going to leave the AC off and the windows open as long as the weather is right for it.  I think the fresh air will do us all well.  I’ll be there as much as I can for Caelan.  I’ll be my crazy crafting self.  I’m going to see how quickly I can finish that blanket.  He needs it right now.  It’ll be good for him to have something to cuddle with when I can’t be there.  I’ll do what I can.  However, at least I know I can talk about it all again.  I don’t have to suffer every moment in silence anymore.

So to the man who set the fire, hope the police find you before the soldiers do.  If they get their hands on you, you’ll be praying for an easy end.  To the soldiers who have lost a friend, remember him for who he was, not what happened to him.  To his family, he’ll never be replaced.  I know this.  My thoughts and intentions are with you.  Finally, Caelan, I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but I’m here for you.  I’m not going anywhere until you’re through this.  If you need me, you know I’ll always do what I can.  Yes, sometimes I need to run away, but I’ll always do what I can when you need me, no matter what happens with our relationship.

Finally, in the talk of September 11th, ironically 911, there is one more event never to be forgotten, even if it is just for a few.  That day commemorates the loss of yet another good man so many years later, and he too will never be forgotten, especially by those lives he has touched, and those people he has made a difference to.  Those ripples will carry on forever, and he will never be forgotten.  May you find more peace in your death than you did in life.

~*~Raven Night~*~