The Explaination…
So Dmitri messaged me this morning. He was asking why I was talking about housemates. I guess he didn’t get the memo. I’m separated and living with someone else right now. I wonder how much he actually knows and how much I’ve just filled in for him. I’m kind of nervous about the whole thing.
You know what’s awkward? Telling a guy you’ve been interested in since the day you met him that you’re separated. I don’t want it to sound like I’m "on the rebound". I’m not. I’m honestly ready to move on with my life. I’ve been done since that early Thanksgiving at my sister’s that he never showed for. Everything else is just added to it. He didn’t show when he promised his daughter he would be there. Corde was heartbroken and I looked like a liar. Then things were different when he got back from training. They were different again when he got home from deployment. It hasn’t been easy, but I think the kind of person he’s grown into has made it pretty much impossible. I’m sure the person I’ve grown into hasn’t helped.
However, I want to tell Dmitri all of this in a way that won’t make me sound depressed and miserable. I want to tell him in a way that will help him realize I’m not really in the "getting over" phase. I’m more in the "moving on" phase. Getting over was when Chad was home for R&R. I’m at the point where I really want to be happy. I would love to be with someone right now. I’ll be honest, being single sucks. However, it’s not necessary. I’ve done a lot of soul searching in the past couple weeks and have realized a lot about myself. I’ve done a lot of that over the past two years. I think I’m finally starting to make some sense of it all.
It’s time to be honest with myself.
Do I want to be involved with Dmitri? At the very least I’m in some serious lust for him. I would love to see where things go with him. I guess I’ll have a chance in some respects because I’ll be staying with him when I’m back home. I’ll admit, that kind of worries me. It could be quite awkward on my part.
Do I want to live in Boston? Hell yes! I’d love to live in Boston, or Salem would be better. I want to move back home with everything in my heart. I’m just not likely to be able to afford it. I’ve got a lot of work to do before I can afford to move back there. I’m sure I can do it, but it’s going to take time. Eventually…
Do I know what I want to do with my life? Honestly, no, but that’s what college is for. I’m tossing around some ideas. I’d love to get to the point where I can support myself with fire performance. However, my back-up plans are writing and possibly psychology. I’ve got a direction, I just need to explore it.
Do I want to have the kids with me when I separate? I’d love to have Aris with me. He’s very timid and sensitive and I think life with Daddy wouldn’t be good for him. Corde, on the other hand, loves her Daddy. She’s really stressful for me to be around. The constant conflicts wear me out. I don’t know if I can do it. If I had a choice at this point, I’d say I’d rather let the kids stay with Daddy until I sort my life out, and then I can bring them back into my life. Will that work? No, and I know that. However, we’re talking ideals. My ideal is to take the time to get my head straight before I take the kids.
Do I want a divorce? No, not really. Just like being married isn’t important to me, neither is divorce. It’s just something to allow me to get married again, which is something I don’t really care about. And since I brought it up…
Do I want to get married again? Yes! But no. I want to have the perfect ceremony, but I don’t know that I care about the legal document. I guess that all depends on what I need it for. Am I going to need it for any future kids I have? Am I going to need it for health care? I guess if there’s no legal need to be married, I don’t care. I just want the ceremony. I want to have a beautiful wedding, even if it is just a year and a day handfasting.
So all that being said, keeping the idea of Dmitri from my mind on this description, what do I want in my next partner? I guess the easy question to that is to look at the story I’m writing. The characters of Daren and Cyrus are very much what I want, though both kind of have their flaws. I can live with flaws. However, what I want and what I need may just diverge here somewhere.
The perfect man for me would understand the "save the princess" concept. In this case, I’m the princess, and the villian that has me locked away isn’t some dragon, Gannon, or anyone else. Instead it’s my own personal demons. It’s the pieces of my past that I’m too afraid to face. I need someone who can be there to pull me out of the demon’s grasp when I start to find I’m falling far too deep. When I’m abducted by myself, I need someone who can fight back my demons long enough to put me back on solid ground. I need someone who can treat me like the delicate, sensitive thing I am. I need someone who communicates well and is very understanding. I need someone who tells me how they’re feeling. I need someone who is open about the things they want to do so I don’t have to make suggestions and hope I hit upon a good one. I need someone who understands how shy and timid I am and doesn’t mind the extra effort required to help me come out of my shell. I need someone who can protect me from the cruel world when I want them to, but understands when I’m trying to do something for myself and can support me without judgment or suggestion. I need someone who understands how easily influnced and manipulated I am and can only assume control in the relationship when it’s needed. I want someone who can be direct and commanding more than someone who is controlling. To me at least, there’s a difference. There’s a difference between someone who can take charge to get things done that need to be done and someone who deliberately controls anothr person to meet their own agenda. I need someone who is kind, caring, and sensitive to my needs, but expects little in return. I need someone who can respect my need for quiet time to decompress, but is also available when I need a little extra attention. I need someone who lets me come to decisions in my own time after providing me with all the information. I need someone who will take care of the mundane details of the world, like bills, so all I need to worry about is what I need to do in order to get my life back together. Most of all, I need someone who can make me smile, but unders
tands sometimes I actually enjoy being solemn and sad.
Well, I’m off to search a flight. Wish me luck and cheap pricing!
~*~Rave~*~