The Amazon, The Valkyrie

The warror has come out a good deal in me lately.  I’ve been envoking that aspect of myself to brace whatever it is that I need to do.  I’ve been trying to find the strength to move on if I have to, to stay where I am, or do whatever it is that it will take in order to make my life better.  It’s not an easy road, one that will mean facing many battles either way, but that’s normal for my life, isn’t it?

I’ve made a decision with Caelan.  We’re going to suffer through this until after his Arabic course is over.  Neglecting the kids and I or not, if he does well enough with this course, he’ll be making extra money every month.  I’ll be honest, that extra money could make a huge difference in our marraige.  We could afford to make our lives easier and that would put less strain on everyone.  Besides, if we do decide to separate, we’ll collectively have more money between us to make that happen.  One way or another, having the extra income every month would greatly help our situation, so I’m going to do what I can to let him try and make that happen first.  Once that’s over, no more excuses.  It’s time to get things done.  Besides, the course has been very stressful on him and I’m sure that’s not helping.  Same goes for having Annie around.  I think, in reality, if I’m going to give him one last chance to prove himself or he’s done, I want to wait until those two distractions are at least far enough from getting in the way that we can work on this.  As for Annie, he just feels like he can’t be near me when she’s around, like she’s deliberately trying to exclude him.  I can see that, really.  I’ve had a lot of feelings of the same myself when Annie is involved.  I’ll cut him some leway…but he’s not off the hook.  He’s not getting an excuse or a way out.  Instead, he’s just getting a temporary hold until his class is over and until he can get a little more used to Annie being around.  After that, no more excuses.  I’m going to start laying down law if I have to, and if things don’t get better, or continue getting worse, I’m moving on.  There’s only so long I can stagnate, but I’m trying to make sure the lines of communication stay open through this.  This is going to be his last chance…and in this time, I’m going to be figuring out what I’m going to do if that last chance doesn’t work out.  Of course, if he straightens his life out and can prove to me he means it, I’ll come back, but from the point at which I walk away, it’ll take a good deal more proof!

Anyhow, I was out at ESA this weekend.  We had a good time.  The only comment I heard while I was dancing was that it’d look better if I were topless!  And it was from a woman too!  There was another woman there who spun topless.  Personally, I don’t see the point.  Yes, I know it’s supposed to be somehow freeing and empowering, but as I’ve heard so many times, when a woman is dancing topless, fire or no, you’re not watching her dance.  It’s a sexual thing, not an artistic thing.  For me, dance isn’t about being sexual.  It’s not about being attractive or catching people’s attention.  It’s about enjoying it, and it’s about the art.  Very rarely does a half-naked woman constitute art.  Besides, I prefer the illusion of showing things off, of wearing as little as possible to wearing nothing at all.  There’s a bit more mystery there.  It’s more seductive in a way.  I’d rather hint at nudity than be nude any day, especially when artistic value is concerned.

This was going to be a thing about how I’m adapting, growing, becoming the Amazon, the Valkyrie, but I never got that far.  We’ve got to replace Corde’s fish.  We lost another one so we’re down to two.

Positive things…

1) Had a great weekend, even if there was lots of crying.

2) I’ve come to some good conclusions about my life.

3) I’m going to Lucila’s for the full moon next week, I think…haven’t decided yet, but it’d be fun if I do go.

4) Laundry finally got done!

5) Aris is such a happy baby!  He always makes me smile!

6) Caelan’s finally working out the kinks in the fire sword.

7) I’m tired…that means I’ll sleep well tonight!  Yay!

8) Corde got to play with two other kids this weekend.  Even though one of them was bossy as all hell, she had fun.

9) Aris is getting chunky again!  That means he’s going to grow!

10) Wendigo was so happy to see me when I got home!  He really does miss me!

~*~Rave~*~