So not good…

Saw Kim tonight.  It was nothing but sweetness to my face at least.  She commented on my makeup, that it was nice, and asked if I did it myself.  Honestly, I just tossed it on in five minutes.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it looks like total crap.  It was a quickie job.  Maybe she really did like it, but how the hell am I supposed to know?  I don’t really trust anything she’s got to say at this point.  I’ve been burned once so now I’m wary.

And she called tonight.  I don’t know what it was about, but it was 2:30 when she called.  I didn’t get to the phone in time and she didn’t leave me a message, so I don’t know what that was about.  Honestly, I’m afraid to answer if she calls again.  I’m just waiting for some hurtful things to be said and for me to find out my life as I know it is over.  I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop on this one.

I hate that I feel this way with her.  I want to cower and hide.  I don’t want to go to the hafla tomorrow because she’ll be there.  I didn’t want to go to the show.  I didn’t want to do any of that.  In truth, I’m glad I stayed, but a part of me just wanted to leave as soon as she showed her face again.  I feel bad.  I almost feel like I’m somehow to blame in all of this because she’s just so cheery and social.

And I heard from two sources tonight that I was being bad mouthed by one of her friends.  They couldn’t hear exactly what was said, but they said it didn’t sound pleasant, whatever it was.  I honestly didn’t need to be hearing that.

Maybe I’m overreacting.  Maybe it’s nothing and I’m blowing it all out of porportion.  I could be making a bigger deal of this than it really is.  It would be par for the course, but once I’m hurt, I’m afraid.  I know I did make some not nice remarks while I was there, though they were offhanded and quite to my friends.  Honestly, a part of me doesn’t care if they get back to her.  I wrote her a legitimately nice comment on MySpace and I don’t care if she deletes it.  I’m trying to be civil, but it’s hard when it hurts so damn much.

Now there’s the hafla tomorrow.  My space, my sanctuary is going to be taken over by people who don’t like me.  It’s going to be us versus them.  Gina’s going to be there, and Krystal.  I’m trying to get Annie to come with as well.  I just need to build a comfort zone for myself there.  If I can find a way that I can be comfortable there without feeling like too much of a freak, I want to do that.  I want to feel like myself again.  I want to know that I can be there and have a good time without having to worry about catty, bitchy drama.  I just want my sanctuary to be mine, but I know that’s too much to ask.

Oh well.  It’s time to take the war-paint off and go to bed.  I just want this week to be over so I can get on with the rest of my life!

Some positives…becauase I can always use them…

1) The show seemed to go decently tonight.  Everyone seemed to like it.  I had a lot of people come up to me after the show and comment how good of a dancer I was.  I even got a comment expressly on my abdominal control.  I was shocked.  I’m still in shock over it, really!  I guess that means I must have done something right!

2) There’s going to be professional video of our performance tonight.  That means eventually you’ll all get to see me dance.  I wasn’t that good, but hey…

3) I’m finally finding my comfort zone with double veil.  I don’t care if everyone else hates it.  It’s really hard, so I’m not going to let anyone drag me down on that.  I watched myself and didn’t think I was horrible.  I’m actually somewhat happy with it.  That’s really saying something because I usually hate all my performances!

4) I may be taking poi classes in Austin soon.  We’ll see where that goes.

5) I had to turn my earrings around today so they’d spiral the other way.  They kept catching on the veils.  Anyhow, I was able to change them myself with relatively no problem.  Actually, the only problem I had with them was coming from the back side of the ear to put them in.  I couldn’t see it and I was having a hard time feeling it, so it was a wee bit tricky.

6) Krystal and her kids were at the show.  My kids were at the show.  Gina was at the show.  Annie and her fiancee were at the show.  I had a lot of people there to support me.  I just felt so much better about the whole thing.  I don’t think I would have been able to do it without looking to the audience and seeing their faces.

7) I was told by a couple of people tonight that I was too good of a dancer for Wyldefyre.  I’ve actually had people ask why I dance with a disorganized, scattered group such as this.  Honestly, I thought about it.  My only answer was that it gave me a chance to perform.  It gave me a chance to dance.  It gives me a chance to do what I love.  However, they’re right.  I do deserve better than Wyldefyre.  I just wouldn’t know where to start with any other direction…

8) I got to see Sage again tonight.  That was a treat.  It’s just too bad I’m nothing to the level she’d ever notice.  Maybe some day in the far off future.

9) I actually pulled this whole thing off even though Caelan wasn’t here.  It was tricky, but it all came together.  Thank the Goddess for small miracles!

10) I’m home, happy and exhausted.  I did miss Caelan coming home for a few hours, but I guess you can’t have everything.  And I have the hafla to look forward to tomorrow night, even though a part of me dreads it.  It’s all going to be okay.

~*~Rave~*~