So much on my mind…

…and not enough time for each thought…

There’s so much I have to get done around here.  Things have been sneaking up on me, lurking in the shadows and waiting to get to a point where I just have to take care of them.  It’s suffocating.  It’s smothering.  Worse still, it only makes me want to do all those things even less.

Recently I’ve been really tired.  Some days it’s all I can do to come downstairs and watch the kids.  It’s pathetic, really.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I know from the past all the doctors will do is blame my diet and tell me to get more sleep.  That’s not the problem and I know it.  The problem is the events in my life.

Right about the point I disappeared again I had a tough situation with one of the women on a board I’m on.  It sucked, but we talked through it and I’m better now.  She and I can co-exist in the same universe.  However, I’ve learned my lesson.  Sometimes it’s better to keep my mouth shut.  Sometimes I just need to let hurtful people do their things and ignore it.  She has since gone on to create an all lesbian Dianic group.  You know what?  Good for her.  Even if it’s an online group, good for her.  Even so, I’ll never be a part of it.  Instead of speaking my mind, I was a good little girl and kept my opinions to myself.

Since then, a lot has happened.  My dance classes have dropped in attendance to pretty much only the core people.  That’s sad, but I kind of knew it was going to happen.  School is starting soon so everyone with kids are gearing them up for spring sports and school.  Even those who don’t worry about school have probably tapered off because my class isn’t an easy class.  You have to work hard in my class, so it’s not just a little bit of something to impress the husband at home.  I got a lot of eye rolling in that class.  I won’t be surprised if some of them never come back.  However, the core group has done so much to boost me up and make me feel good as an instructor.  If it weren’t for them, I don’t know if I could do it.

Today one of the girls from that troupe was at the store.  I told her about my dance class.  She obviously wasn’t there for class.  She hasn’t been to any yet.  She claims it’s because she can’t dance with her pregnancy.  In truth, I think she wanted to avoid my class because she’s not interested in progressing as a dancer.  She’s good and all, but she’s not that good!  She’s not making a very strong effort to improve her skills.  As a result, she’ll fall to the wayside.  Their troupe is no longer together anyway.  I guess that ought to say something for them.  Anyhow, I don’t truly expect to see her again, at least not as a dancer.

The other day I got a message from Kim.  She said she had some pictures that she wanted to tag me in.  She took a few at the street fair.  Well, I just happened to be in the background on all of them.  There are pictures of all the soloists but me.  The only pictures of me happen to be dancing with the other dancers or seated in the background watching everyone else.  I wonder if that’s because she didn’t take any pictures of me or if she’s holding on to them somewhere, not willing to do anything with them.  I really wish I had my camera.  I would have liked some pictures of me as a soloist from that event, but I guess it’s not to be.  Oh well…

In other news, I’ve decided to clean the house.  I’ve made a project out of digging out all the toys that just don’t get played with anymore and getting rid of them.  We’re going to have a whole horde to donate by the time I’m done.  I don’t know where to donate them yet, but I’m sure I’ll find somewhere.  Corde’s just got too many toys.  She can’t keep them organized and cleaned up so the house is always a mess.  There’s no way she could possibly need that many.  I feel really guilty about giving them up, but what can I do?  She simply doesn’t need that many toys!  I’m just getting to the point where I’m frustrated by clutter and mess everywhere.  That’s a sign that things need to start going.  We’ve just got too much.  It’s going to be a lot of work, but this needs to be done.  I need to make this house liveable again!  What’s worse is I’m being forced to give up toys that are sentimental to me.  I know I could always keep them, but in truth, what’s the point if they never get played with.  That’s what toys are for!  I’m giving up the dolls I gave to Corde.  I don’t need fashion dolls.  All she’s doing is breaking the clothes.  She doesn’t really like them anyway.  I’d rather get her smaller dolls and a dollhouse.  That seems more her speed.  It doesn’t even need to be anything fancy.  Besides, I’d like to get her dolls that don’t have tons of make-up or trendy clothes that go out of style in a year or two.  Doll clothes is getting harder and harder to find these days and it’s almost like you need to buy a whole new doll just to get a new outfit.  I’m not going to play those games.  They only lead to excess.  I’d rather get Corde some dolls that teach her about something that’s not materialism or becoming a fashion plate.  Honestly, I want her to grow up knowing she’s beautiful and not having to live up to the unrealistic standards of some doll!

I’ve also made a decision on toys.  I’m going to start looking into Waldorf toys.  They’re big into imagination play.  We’re thinking of making her a Waldorf playstand, just because they’re so expensive, $300 for two!  We’re thinking about finally getting a play kitchen for she and Aris to share during the next deployment.  I’m going to make both of the children Waldorf style kinder-dolls and some clothing for them.  I decided that because I wanted to make Aris a doll since it’s next to impossible to find good male dolls and male doll clothes.  If I’m going to make one for Aris, I’ll have to make one for Corde.  It’s only fair.  I was just going to buy them, but they’re $100-200 for a doll!  That’s not even talking about the clothes!  I can’t afford that!  However, it’s only about $30 for the kit to make the doll, plus things like dollmaking needles and the material to make the clothing.  Since I can make the clothing with scraps of fabric that I already have, that saves me money there.  There are some beautiful dolls on the market!  We’re going to try and focus on replacing a lot of the plastic toys with wooden ones, just for the sake of durability.  Aris’s Tonka trucks are staying, plastic though they may be!  However, play food is much more sturdy when made of wood.  The wooden dollhouse furnature, though less realistic, is also more sturdy than the plastic alternatives.  It’s more expensive, but we’re gearing up for another deployment…already…so it’s

good to plan for the future.

That’s right, I said the D word.  No, it’s not around the corner.  They’re still talking February to May of next year.  That gives us six months at least.  Even so, the training is beginning.  Caelan is going to be gone all week at brigade lanes.  He’ll be back on Saturday.  Then I think he’s supposed to leave two days after he gets back to go out to do training on the Bradley range.  He’s not sure if he’ll be sent to that one because he’s in headquarters, but we still have to plan on it.  Then after that he’s probably going to NTC, which is a month long where we won’t see him.  Chances are we won’t be seeing much of him until October or November.  After that they’ll be in full swing gearing up for deployment and we’ll probably already have dates.  I’m not looking forward to this.  Who would be?  As a result, I’ve been spending as much time with Caelan as possible.  That means I’ve been avoiding the computer.  That’s why no one has heard from me for so long.

Given that deployment is creeping up on us all, and could be as soon as six months away, the new FRG leader is kicking it into high gear!  She’s taking volunteers for committees and is looking for people for the Care Team.  Well, I stood up and volunteered my own dumb ass to do it.  I’m going to sign up for the Care Team training in September.  The Care Team is the group from the FRG that goes in after the loss of a family member to help take care of the family while they get their affairs in order and get back on their feet.  Honestly, that sounds like something I should be doing with my life.  It sounds almost like something I should be doing.  I want to do it.  As a result, I volunteered.

That means sacrifices.  I am by no means giving up who I am, but I do need to make an effort to make people feel more comfortable around me so that I can fit in.  There’s an FRG meeting on Monday.  I’m going to be making an effort to appear more normal for that.  Right now my pretty purple nose ring has been replaced by a little bioplast labret stud.  The top is a simple silver-tone pin with a clear crystal set in it.  Hopefully I’ll have new, big spiral earrings to wear as well.  They’re going to be a bit obvious, but a lot better than the captive ball rings I’ve got right now.  I’m going to do laundry and be sure I’ve got a pair of jeans and a plain shirt to wear for the meeting.  My hair is going to stay the color it is now, a tawney yellow with the obvious need for the roots to be done, unless I can find someone to bleach it.  That’s about as normal as I can get.  However, until these women get to know me, I’m going to come off as normal as possible.  It’s not so that I can hide who I really am.  Instead I’m trying to get them to give me a chance before I show my true colors.  I’ll give it a meeting or two before my hair takes on it’s next funky shade.  I’ll give it a few more before I show up wearing Tripp pants and some gothy top.  I’m not going to hide who I am forever.  I need to at least give them a chance to see the person I am inside before boggling their mind with outside details.  It’s a small sacrifice for something that could be very good for me in this next deployment.

However, I got henna today.  It’s on my inner forearm.  It’s a pretty flower pattern with a triangular Celtic knot as the center piece.  I love it.  It’s not getting hidden for the meeting.  I want it out in the open where everyone can see.  It’s part of who I am and what I’ve decided to do.  It’s temporary, so I can always say a friend was doing it for fun.  It wouldn’t be far from the truth.  That is how it happened.  The truth is, it’s because we were having a happy squishy Pagan day instead of class today.  The reason I had it done was the woad wasn’t working as well as it should.  Henna is probably going to be a regular occurance on my body for a while.

Things have kind of been up and down here.  I don’t know what’s been inspiring the mood swings or my odd mentality lately.  It’s like my mind has transitioned into fall, yet the weather’s not co-operating, which has my system all confused.  I’ve found myself wearing long-sleeved black shirts outside during the day time.  Yes, I must be crazy.  I’m wearing sweaters in the house.  The AC isn’t down that far to make me freeze like that!  However, I’ve been cold.  Outside, I don’t know what I’m thinking!  I’ve been favoring long pants as well.  I’m talking things like jeans, not my melos which are relatively cool.  I’ve been listening to the music I only listen to in the fall.  I’ve been having that "fall premonition" feeling, and incredible amounts of deja vu, which only happens with such frequency in the fall.  I’ve found myself staring off into space more often.  It’s like fall has hit me but the world around me still wants to be in summer!  I’ve had the urget to smother myself with sage and wanting to buy pumpkin and apple pie scented candles.  I’ve even wanted to go pumpkin picking or apple picking.  It’s been very strange.  Normally I only get that way when the weather patterns change.  I’ve also wanted to start thinking about costumes for the kids already, which is very strange.  Usually costumes end up being a last minute thing.  This year I’m already prepped to get going with them.  All I need to know is what to make!  It’s been a very strange season.  I just can’t wait for the weather to catch up to my fall mood.  I just hope I get at least a taste of real winter here, even if it is on a road trip back home for Christmas!  I think if I have no sense of winter, my body will just get more confused than usual.  I really don’t need that right now.

Well, I should get going.  It’s getting kind of late and I think I want to look into buying stuff for to make a Waldorf kinder-doll for Corde.  I’m off to go check prices and see if I can fit it in the budget…

~*~Raven Night~*~

Ooo…almost forgot…the good stuff…

1) I’m finally going to make a doll for each of my kids!  I always had fond memories of my mom making teddy bears for my sister and I.  I hope my kids view their dolls with the same fondness!

2) We’re downsizing the toys to a manageable amount!  That’s a wonderful thing.  I feel so much better and less cluttered already.

3) The house is getting clean.  After all this time, we’re unpacking the last of it, downsizing, and decluttering.  Not only the kids will have to face purge on this one.  We’re finally getting on our way to a happier, cleaner home.

4) I’ve started on a new dance costume.  Just wait until you see this when it’s done!  Of course, t

hat’s a while off yet, but the choli is well on it’s way.

5) I’ve got a new stud for my nose!  It’s so pretty!  It looks so different from the hoop.  I’ll have to put pictures up one of these days…

6) I’m getting new earrings!  I never knew just how much of a drain on my budget jewelry could be.  However, I’ve got myself a new pair.  I can’t wait to finally get them!  They’re going to be so pretty!  Teal spirals…  Can’t wait to see them in my ears!

7) I have henna on my arm!

8) I’ve decided I’m going to try and get Corde as social as I can.  We’re going to be checking out Campfire and getting together with some local homeschooling moms so that our kids can all play!  It’s going to be great!

9) I’ve offered to watch another mom’s kids while she’s at college.  She homeschools as well.  Better yet, in exchange she’ll watch my kids at night so I can go to events and the like!  I think that’s an awesome exchange!  And to top it all off, she’s got a daughter that’s a year older than Corde and a daughter that’s two months younger than Aris.  Better still, she’s got an older son that’s old enough to help me keep track of them all while they’re here!  And he takes it upon himself to do this!  Score!  Playmates for the little ones and a mother’s helper!  Sweet!

10) I need a big one here…  Let’s see…  What to put, what to put…

Hmm…

I’m finally getting involved with other local adults!  That means next deployment I won’t be nearly so alone!  I’m finding not only the support I need, but also making good friends that will last!  This time around, I won’t be suffering near as much as I did with the last deployment!  Three cheers for being better prepaired!