Promises, Promises…

I’ve finally done it.  I’ve given Caelan a deadline that I intend to hold up to.  If he hasn’t started pulling his weight around here by Friday, I’m gone.  I’m tired of being treated the way he treats me.  I’m tired of seeing him treat my kids like they’re not even worth noticing.  I hate that he keeps Corde up in her room at any chance she gets.  I’m not playing his games anymore.  I’m not going to put up with him trying to pull my shirt off whenever we have female company I may be interested in.  I’m tired of having him ask questions like if a friend is safe people and if I’d like to do stuff with them while he watched.  I’m sorry, but talk like that is disgusting.  It points him out to be the pig that he truly is.  It disgusts me.  I hate being treated the way he treats me.  I always have.  I’ve always hated waiting around for him to want my attention, my affection.  I’ve always hated only getting affection from him when he sees fit to dole it out.  I’m tired of being close when he wants me close and distant when he wants me to leave him the fuck alone.  Do I even matter?  Apparently not or it would have changed all these years.

Anyhow, come Friday if he doesn’t shape up, I’m leaving.  I don’t know where I’m going to go yet.  Hell, I could live on the street for all I care.  I just can’t do this anymore.  He needs to shape up or he’s out of my life.  I’m tired of letting him have his excuses and just falling down whenever I try to stand up to him.  I need to be strong.  I need to do this.  If he changes for the better, so be it.  If not, I need to stop playing these games.  I need my distance so I can try and figure things out on my own.  I need to be able to live my life without him interfering.  This hurts so much, but it needs to be done.  I can’t live like this forever.

~*~Raven Night~*~

Oh, yeah…can’t break the trend now…positive stuff…

1) I’ve finally stood up to Caelan and this time I intend to keep to that.

2) I’ve made the decision to be free of people who treat me poorly, no matter who those people may be.

3) My life is going to be my own from now on, and my decisions and choices are going to be mine.  I don’t need someone else’s reassurance that I’m going to be okay or that I should do something.  I need to learn to stand on my own two feet.

4) Sometimes my rage flies wild…sometimes it’s for a damn good reason.

5) I’m going to make Caelan get up and watch the kids so I can take my dog for a walk.  It looks like a storm is rolling in so I need to go before it gets too bad out.  He can just deal.

6) Strangely, it feels good to have let out and told Caelan exactly what I think of him.  They weren’t nice words, not any of them, but at least he knows, and better yet, I told them to the person who caused the pain.  It’s incredible how theraputic that can be.

7) I finally feel no desire to be in a sexual relationship.  It’s not because I don’t have a sex drive.  It’s because I don’t feel like I need to push those boundaries to keep someone in my life.  People will love me for who I am, not how much or how often I put out.  If they don’t, then I don’t need them in my life.  I’m happy with that because I know any friends I make will be genuine.

8) I let out a good deal of pent-up frustration over the past few days.  It feels good to get it all out, even if it has been kind of wrathful and raging.  I’ve recognized the people who were causing me pain and I’ve decided what to do about it.  As a result, the pent-up frustration will be targeted better, and I don’t have to fear turning that on my kids because I can’t keep myself completely under control when I bottle it in.  I’m tired of yelling at Corde when my anger really belongs to actions Caelan has made.

9) I have a few true friends who make me smile… Scott, Hawk, Celeste, my very own dear friend Phoenix (because Annie would be too confusing!)  When I need them most, they always seem to find ways to make me smile.

10) There is nothing more beautiful than watching my children play in the livingroom, completely isolated from my troubled mind, knowing that they are safe when they’re with me…not neglected like I was so many years ago…