Nesting much?
With my other two kids, nesting was very specific, and not what anyone else would have imagined. I wasn’t on a mad cleaning frenzy. Instead I moved furniture, rearranged my house, and reorganized. The process still left the house in a chaotic mess, but I didn’t care. Everything was exactly where I wanted it to be. Isn’t that what mattered?
This pregnancy has been very different. Right now I’m a couple days past thirty-six weeks. That means this baby could come any day now. I’ve been in a total frenzy. Part of that is the situation between Oz and I. He’s put in my head to get this house clean, so I’m doing it. It may be exhausting, and I may hate it, but it needs to be done. However, the past couple days I’ve been out of my mind.
On Wednesday I got really angry with Oz. After the shooting on Fort Hood when he didn’t show up, I was furious. I thought he was playing games with me. He didn’t want to start anything with me because he wanted to wait and see what happened with this other girl. I was ready to rip him a new one, or cry and completely give up. I was coming second in his book and that just couldn’t happen. It meant the baby and I just weren’t good enough. That energy went into scrubbing down the counter tops and organizing them, as well as getting all the stuff randomly left there removed.
After that I went through the clothes in the bedroom. I was completely upset when he told me that he wasn’t going to be able to spend time with me on Friday night, he’d only have enough time to pick up his stuff. I went through my bedroom and sorted through all the laundry off the floor. I was determined to get every last article of his clothing out of my house. All his stuff would be gone! I didn’t want so much as a sock or a pair of underwear left over. I was going to rid this house of him completely because I was so upset. That’s what he wanted, wasn’t it? And I had a feeling he wasn’t coming back, so why did it matter? Why not cleanse my house of his influence all together? In the process, my room underwent a dynamic change from laundry everywhere to being pretty clean and mostly organized. The dresser and night table were still covered and there was a pile of random stuff on the floor in one corner. The shoes were still chaotic where they were left, but the laundry was gone. The room looked a million times better.
I guess I kind of misunderstood the situation. Yes, Oz was hoping that I’d still be there so he’d have his family to come home to after he figured things out with this girl. He wanted to have his freedom to explore life with a woman with no kids and less responsibilities of a man that’s "settled down", yet he still wanted to come home to me. Since this girl isn’t into open relationships and all out hates me, he didn’t see another way to do it. He was under a lot of stress and needs something that’s just not me right now. He needs a change. I totally understand that. I’ve been in the same place. I’m good with poly relationships, but were it not for my kids, I’d consider doing the same. He’s got the luxury of being able to escape the children, for now.
Once I realized what he wanted, I told him there was no reason not to go for it. I know the people who know me here or anywhere else would crucify me for even entertaining the idea, but this could be a lot of fun. He wants us both? He can have us both. He’s already determined he’s going to leave her when she goes into the Coast Guard, or when he gets bored with her. He really does want to come home to his baby and his family.
This is when I developed the plan. I asked him, just to be sure, if he planned to ditch this girl when he was bored. He said he did. I confirmed that when she went to the Coast Guard at the least, he was done with her. He said he’d have to be crazy to do otherwise. I asked him if he really still wanted to settle down with this family. He said that’s what made deciding what he wanted to do so incredibly hard. Then I asked him why he should decide. He suddenly went from sullen and moody to curious and asked, "Where are you going with this?" So I told him. He can have it all. It will mean being sneaky, but as long as he can swear he’ll come back to me when all is said and done, I don’t mind being the primary, but letting her pretend she’s the only one. I will say, the risk of being caught does add a lot of excitement to the relationship. There is something fun knowing that we’re pulling this little game off. As long as he can see me at least once a week, preferably twice a week, I’m totally okay with it. I think this is the greatest plan ever! Of course, it could potentially cause a lot of problems between the two of them in the end, but that’s not my business. This is his choice. He wants us both, that’s fine, but I’m not going to be the one to make him choose. She’s the one forbidding him from even so much as going to mediation to work out how we’re going to handle co-parenting this child, and got into a fight over his involvement with his baby, so I don’t feel too bad if this blows up in her face. She’ll just be getting what she deserves.
That’s one thing I don’t get about this girl. She hates me because of the way I treat my children, but she hasn’t ever really seen the way I treat my children. She was there on a night when I was getting ready for a show, so I wasn’t involved with my children at all. They were pawned off on Caelan and Oz while I tried to make a mad dash to get myself ready in time. I almost didn’t manage to get ready in time. It’s kind of not the best of circumstances to judge how I treat my kids. She should have come back on a day where I wasn’t running around like a crazy lady trying to get ready for a show. She wanted to call CPS on me because of that. She wanted to call CPS on me because I didn’t pay enough attention to my kids, they weren’t perfectly clean after they’d been with their dad all day long, and it didn’t hurt that my house wasn’t clean. Well, I don’t think it’s fair to judge the appearance of my kids, clean or dirty, based on a day when Caelan’s been with them all day and I’ve barely seen them. It’s really not my fault. However, this is the reason why she hates me. Oh, yeah, it doesn’t hurt that I’m with the man she’s been wanting.
This is also a girl who wants to settle down and have a family. She wants to get married and have kids of her own. How likely is a man to settle down to have a family if he’s already got an ex-wife who was pregnant with his son when she left him and then he chooses to leave his girlfriend while she’s eight months pregnant with
his second baby? This does not sound like a real winner for "family man". Actually, it shows a lack of brain cells on her part.
Anyhow, Oz came over Friday night after we made our plan. He was excited to see me, and I was thrilled to see him. I couldn’t wait to have him in my arms. We were just going to drive around, but he decided he wanted to come over the house. Let’s just say, well behaved is something we weren’t. It was awkward and uncomfortable, to be honest. A part of me wondered if this is what it would be about, distant, awkward sex. I wasn’t so sure I wanted him anymore. While I was still thrilled to have had him back, it wasn’t terribly comfortable. I didn’t know if I was just done with him, or if there was just something uncomfortable between us.
Well, the next morning I went crazy with cleaning. I finished the counters in the kitchen and attacked the stove. I hadn’t finished it by the time Oz came to the house the next day, but he was shocked to arrive to see me cleaning the stove! He didn’t expect me to take it that far. He knew I was cleaning the house, but he was really surprised. I’m not just cleaning up the clutter, I’m making the house clean! The kitchen is really coming along, even if the rest of the house still looks like a disaster. Actually, the rest of the house looks like it’s slowly coming along too, but it’s gotten a little worse over the past couple days as I’ve focused on other places.
Were it not for the crazy screaming children, today would have been dedicated to the kitchen. I wanted to have it finished today, but the neighbor’s kids were absolute nightmares. I had to listen to an hour and a half long tantrum from the two-year-old because her mother left, which woke up Corde and Aris and made them miserable. Then I got nothing done because the kids were wired. I finally consented that it just wasn’t going to happen. I would focus on something smaller.
My neighbor had let me start my laundry at her house while I was watching her kids. It wasn’t done by the time she got home. I’ve got so much laundry it’s insane! I pretty much have to wash every article of clothing, bedding, and towels in the entire house at this rate because I’ve gotten so far behind. I had gone upstairs to gather some more laundry when I had the sudden urge to change things in the bedroom. It all started with an effort to reorganize my dance stuff. In order to do that, I needed somewhere better to put my jewelry. Well, my altar box would be a perfect place to put my jewelry. Since the television stand in the corner no longer had a television, that would be the perfect altar! Of course, in the corner it was in, it wouldn’t be where I wanted it. I really wanted it in another portion of the room. I had been considering putting the bed under the window since Caelan left. He wanted nothing to do with that idea, which is why I didn’t, so I moved the bed from against the wall across from the window to the spot under the window. I moved the television table that was in the corner next to the window to the corner the bed was pushed into. I moved the dresser to the wall opposite the window. Then I moved my dance stuff into the corner by the bathroom, a logical spot given I could do my make-up in there. Now there’s just a few more things that need to be shifted around. I also need to take all of Caelan’s stuff out of the top of the closet. The place looks so incredibly different! After doing all of that this afternoon and running around after four kids that wouldn’t get along while trying to do laundry, I’m exhausted! Unfortunately, I don’t really have a bed to sleep on right now! I’m going to have to dig it out a bit so I can sleep and finish it in the morning.
For me, this is what nesting is. My room looks totally different, more the way I want it to look. My whole house would come under the same, but I don’t think I can manage that. There’s just not enough variety to the ways I can arrange this place. There are only so many ways to arrange everything, especially with my computer tied down to a specific location. I can’t exactly hang curtains. I don’t want to spend the money on curtains and curtain rods for a place I’m not planning to stay any longer than I have to. I don’t exactly have the funds to spend on furniture I like better. I can’t exactly make the house look the way I want it to look, but any little step is that much closer. Now I just need to get all the clutter cleared up and dealt with and all the laundry put away. Things are coming along. I’m even planning on making a couple trips to Goodwill to get rid of all the stuff I’ve been hanging on to and don’t need or want anymore. This place is finally starting to look less cluttered. I’m becoming less of a pack rat. Better still, we’re reducing the amount of stuff I need to move when I finally get out of here!
Reducing the stuff is a good thing. We’re working things out with the mediator. She suggests we give it at least three months before we move in together again. He and I have decided that the next place we move has got to be one that’s our home, somewhere neither of us has lived with someone else. We’re actually working towards that goal. We’re also talking about moving home to Boston! Boston! Can you believe it? He’s actually thinking this could be a good change for us! He’s absolutely right. It could be wonderful for both of us. There are so many more opportunities for us both. We’ve agreed to a poly relationship, and there are so many resources to help him with getting into and understanding the poly community. There would be family nearby to help us with all the kids. I think it would be a positive change for us. If we actually do that, we definitely want to have as little stuff to bring with us as possible!
Anyhow, today is ending on a happier note and I’m looking forward to the rest of the week! Even if Oz has to bail on his planned visit for Wednesday, we’re still going to be getting together on Sunday. I can’t wait for that. I just hope the time flies until he gets bored with this girl, we work out our own problems, and are ready to start this together again as a family. Wish us luck and a speedy path back on track with our relationship!
~*~Rave~*~