Magic Tournament and Bellydance

Tomorrow I’m going to be dancing in the city.  It was kind of thrown together last minute.  They said their show was going to be short on performers, so I volunteered.  I was partially hoping she would say I couldn’t do it, that it was too short notice.  A part of me was really dreading it, but as I’ve said myself, every opportunity to get my name out there is a good one.  The more photography I have from events and the more social networking I do, the better standing I’ll be in.  I won’t likely know anyone there.  I’ll be dancing completely improv with music I’m blissfully familiar with.  Still, I’m thinking I may well be insane.

Today was a good and bad day.  Last night I got a lot of pushing from a local dancer to standardize the local rates.  In my opinion, her rates were high.  I was planning to go lower than that.  The population around here is military and welfare.  There aren’t a lot of people with a big income to throw around.  Those who are wouldn’t necessarily be interested in a belly dance show.  There are officers and then there are single soldiers.  I’m not much on dancing for a group of single soldiers.  At a mixed party, sure, but not just men.  That kind of limits the income bracket I’m likely going to be selling to.

I wrote her back and told her my expected rates.  I wrote up a price sheet.   I put it on a hidden page on my website so it’s there, but you’ve actually got to enter the address.  I did everything as professionally as possible.  Then I went about feeling like I did something horrible all day long.

Why should I feel bad about this?  I didn’t do anything wrong.  I simply told her that I thought her rates were high, but we can’t "standardize" our rates because price fixing is illegal.  I also told her that for the time being, I intended to go for a lower rate.  I figured I should be upfront about this.  I told her that I wasn’t going to go with a rate set in a city known to have a cost of living at least twice what it is here because that’s the "standard rates" she’s found for "all states" on some website.  Mind you, I had checked that same website for information on my rates, as well as finding out info for other local performers.  The information on the site that she said seemed standard across the country was only really seen in LA and Orange County and New Hampshire.  All other listings for the same performance time were lower.  I’m beginning to wonder if she thinks I don’t use the internet for anything.  She’s also implied that I’m outdated because I still use Tribe.  Apparently all the "in" dancers have moved on to Bhuz.  Personally, I hate Bhuz because it’s all drama and dancers patting each other on the back.  I read through the posts there and roll my eyes thinking, "Are these women serious?"  In reality, I’m the head of my business and I shouldn’t feel bad about keeping my rates competitive with the other local entertainers.  I’m more likely to get hired that way.

That aside, I’ve had a pretty good day.  I’m going to be dancing a show that’s mostly drama-free tomorrow night.  I’ve updated my website with events.  I’ve got a fan page on Facebook that’s actually gotten some conversation going on it.  I’m making progress on my Gothic costume, even if it is slow progress.  The baby has finally flipped over so all the kicks are at the top of my belly and no longer to the side.  That’s a nice change.  I’ve redone the playlist for my Saturday dance class.  all the songs are listed on my site.  I’ve got my music for tomorrow picked and I think I’m ready for the show on the 12th too.  Aside from this morning, the kids were relatively quiet too.  I wasn’t going out of my mind too much.  In general, I’d rank it as a mostly good day.

But as always there has to be a shadow hanging over it all.  You can’t have day without night.  You can’t have happy without difficult.  In this case, I guess I was just lucky enough to find balance between the two.

First there was Caelan, bubble of gloom that he always is.  He was going off on how the world was such a horrible place and he thinks it’s a good thing to push your boundaries and see how far you can drive yourself into depravity and madness before you break.  He thinks it’s healthy to push the brink of insanity.  Everything is either positive or negative.  Some of the people in the world are salvageable, but most of them should be forced to suffer because this world is beyond saving.  Effectively, he thinks everyone should die unless he finds them worth, or able to be saved and enlightened to his own values.  Personally, I think he’s sick and twisted, needs serious help, and is a lot farther gone than I’d imagined.  Getting his opinions on life, the world, and society, I’m starting to realize that we were never going to work out.  Someone who loves the world unconditionally, even the people who try so hard to destroy everyone around them, can’t be with someone who believes humanity is worthless.  Someone who believes that most of the selfish, hateful, and painful actions in this world stem from people who are hurting and need some way to deal with the pain can’t be with someone who believes people deserve to suffer.  Someone who believes change will only work if you go to the root of the problem can’t be with someone who believes that those at the root of the problem can’t be saved.  Someone who believes that violence only begets violence and peace will therefore give birth to peace cannot be happy with someone who feels that the only way to deal with some people is through death and violence.  It’s not surprising I was so miserable with him.  I wanted to save him.  I wanted to redeem him with unconditional love, healing, and nurturing.  Unfortunately, you can only change people who are willing to change.  Caelan wasn’t ready, so I would have been smart to move on and wait for someone else to try, maybe someone who could actually reach him because I sure as hell couldn’t.  I still can’t and probably never will.

Then there was Oz.  All together it was no real big deal.  He’s been obsessed with Magic the Gathering.  It’s become his new substitute for video games.  He’s been planning to play in this tournament all week, which has been great.  A part of me didn’t want him to go.  I still have this fear of being abandoned.  I also have a huge fear of him doing what Caelan did to me, having a secret life that didn’t involve me.  However, I didn’t want to act like Oz’s wife.  I didn’t want to try and keep him home because, well, honestly, I have no life when he’s not around.  I really have no friends anymore.  I don’t see anyone.  In general, my life has beco

me a lonely place again.  It’s also a chance to accept that he needs to have the freedom to do things that don’t involve me.  Yes, it sucks that he’s gone all day and I’m pretty much always alone.  I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything alone as a result.  As much as it sucks, I need to learn to be okay with that.  I can’t take away his every freedom.  I can’t expect him to conform to my rigid needs.  He needs to have a life outside of me, and I need to find a way to develop a life outside of him.  It will be good for both of us.

Then the news came today.  Oz is working tomorrow.  That pretty much means I haven’t seen him today, won’t see him tomorrow, and will have to make up for lost time on Sunday.  Yes, he has Monday off, but I’m pretty much not going to see him at all tomorrow, and I doubt I’ll be up by the time he drags himself home tonight.  Even if I am, it won’t be for long.  He’s got to be to work at 11am tomorrow, which pretty much means he’s got to go to bed as soon as he gets in.  He originally said he was planning to leave if it ran later than 10, but it’s now nearly midnight.  Yes, he’s in the finals, but he still stayed out later than he said he would.  I thought I would at least have some time with him tonight, but that’s just not going to happen.  It’s frustrating and depressing.  I should be happy, but I’m not.

I even called Sarah to make sure that I didn’t sound like a bossy know-it-all.  She didn’t answer the phone.  She didn’t call me back.  I sent her a message asking if she though my rates were reasonable or if she felt I’d be undercutting her, but it’s late, so I don’t expect to hear back.  Besides, she’s got a lot going on.  I need to step back and realize that if I ticked her off, I’d probably know it by now, but it’s hard to just let go and accept it.

A part of me is completely defeated.  I got things accomplished today.  I’m going to be dancing tomorrow, but what does it matter?  Nobody cares.  No one I know will be at the show tomorrow, not likely.  I don’t have someone to share my excitement about getting to perform tomorrow night with.  I’ll have no one there when I’m making my mad dash to get ready and pack up for the show tomorrow.  I’ll have no one there at the show with me to help me shake off the nerves.  I’ll be left without anyone to celebrate my accomplishments with.  It just seems surreal and meaningless when there’s no one there to care.

I’m just starting to feel invisible again.  Yes, people see me, but no one really sees me.  I get out there and dance in the local shows, but rarely does anyone come out to watch me.  I’ll be dancing in the city, but no one I know will be there.  I run classes, but no one has been showing up.  It just seems like I’m in some strange haze, like I’m some sort of piece of the scenery.  I hate it.  I just don’t know how to stop it.

I’m hoping maybe tomorrow will be better.  By then I’ll have hopefully gotten some decent sleep.  I’ll have a show to look forward to.  Maybe I’ll meet some really great people.  I’ve got cards to give out should anyone want to get to know me better.  Hopefully things will be looking up.  I think I’m just going to go to bed and hope this whole day just goes away.

~*~Rave~*~