Kinda Ticked…

I’m having an annoyed with Oz day.  I swear, this happens too frequently these days.  The boy has a bad habit of just not thinking!  Oh well, he’ll either learn or he won’t.

First, he started smoking again.  He swears he’s in control this time!  He’s not going to become addicted again.  He’s just going to smoke socially when out with friends or at work.  Right…  Like I believe that…  I know him.  If he’s around chain smokers, he chain smokes.  Every time they light up, so does he.  Before you know it, he’s going to be right back to addicted again.  He’s been smoking again since Friday.  He told me today.  I’m pissed!  It’s not because he went back to smoking.  That’s his own dumb fault.  He can do whatever he wants with his life.  I’m about inches away from not caring.  However, the fact that it took him five days to admit it?  Yeah, that’s what’s got me so annoyed with all of this.  He started smoking when he was hanging out with Chris.  Then he started again at work.  Then when I was out he asked the neighbor for a cigarette, right after I finished telling her how he quit!  Now I’m kicking myself because she thinks he’s doing the whole smoking thing behind my back!  I’m sure of it!  Apparently he thinks he’s got me conned into thinking he’s quit.  Yes, I’m still angry about it even though he told me hours ago.  He’s going to have to suffer for that one…

Now he’s out with the neighbors with Corde.  It’s 3:30 in the morning!  He should NOT have Corde out this late.  I don’t care if she fell asleep over there, when I told him that it was almost 1am when he came in "to check on me", he should have had a brain, acted like the parent he claims to be, and brought her home!  She’s going to be tired and bitchy in the morning.  He’s going to be cranky and not want to deal with her.  He’s going to end up snapping all day.  I’m going to have to be the one to get in the middle of it all and get both of them to stop driving each other nuts.  He kept her out all night and now I’m the one who has to suffer.  That’s just not right.  However, I’m letting him make this mistake.  I’m going to let him see what the consequences of his own actions bring him.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, he’s been out drinking with the neighbors.  He’s spent pretty much his entire time out with them since he’s gotten home from work.  We went out for a bit, but at 11pm, we were home and he was back over there…drinking.  He came home briefly, as I said, to "check on me", reeking of alcohol.  No, he may not have been drunk yet, but his breath certainly had the foul stench of beer…and it was STRONG.  I told him that it would be wise for him to be back quickly and not to stay out too late.  That was two hours ago.  He said he "just wanted to finish his beer".  I’m sorry, but if it takes you two hours to finish a beer that you’re just going to finish and come home, then you’re not trying to hard to get home!  He KNOWS I’m here alone.  He KNOWS I want to go to bed soon.  He KNOWS I hate going to bed alone.  He KNOWS getting into bed late at night wakes me up and then I can’t get back to sleep.  I made it clear to him, in my opinion, that I didn’t want him staying out much later.  I told him that I wanted him to hurry up and get home.  I know what his excuse is going to be.  "I lose track of time when I drink".  Then wear a god damn watch!  Or better yet, don’t drink in the first place!  He keeps up with this dumb-assed attitude, this is going to be a dry house from now on and he’s not allowed to drink anymore, even with friends!  If he can’t be responsible when he’s drinking, ESPECIALLY when he’s got a child with him, he simply can’t drink…or he’s gone.  I’m not going to deal with this anymore.

I love Oz, honestly I do.  I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with someone who acts so childish.  For example, he KNOWS he’ll be in more shit with me if he doesn’t keep his word, or tells me one thing and does another, if I find out about it after the fact.  The longer he goes without telling me, the deeper the grave he digs himself.  Yet he keeps waiting because he "doesn’t know how to tell me".  I’m sorry, but at that point, fuck tact.  However bad you’re going to get it if you tell me in a tactless way, you’re going to get it a hundred times worse if you wait, no matter how tactfully you tell me.  This lack of responsibility when drinking has GOT to stop.  This reliance on alcohol to relax that’s becoming more regular has also got to stop.  Yes, I get it.  Life is stressful.  I don’t mind him drinking.  But if he’s out until 3:30 in the morning with my daughter at the neighbor’s house when he KNOWS I want him home before dawn, he’s clearly drinking enough to be dumb and selfish.  Or maybe I’m just having too much faith in him.  Maybe he really is just dumb and selfish and I’ve just been blind to it until now.  Perhaps the alcohol thing is just the catalyst I needed to recognize it.  Either way, the selfish thing just isn’t going to fly with me.

I don’t know.  I have a sad, sickening feeling that this just isn’t going to last.  He’s going to piss me off one too many times and I’m going to be done.  I’m already about set to go get my daughter and lock him out of the house for the night.  I don’t mean to be drama, but he’s just pushing all the buttons he KNOWS I have.  We’ve talked about all these things before, and not just today.  I’ve been telling him these things since he moved into my house.  Still, he just keeps ignoring them and then swears I’m over-reacting when it all finally comes out.  I’m sorry, but I’m not over-reacting.  I’m reacting to the stress he’s putting me through every time he does something stupid that he knows is going to set me off!  I’m reacting to the stress when he tries to play off his fuck-ups as no big deal, like somehow I’m supposed to laugh it off and say, "It’s alright.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Just don’t do it again!" all followed with the finger wag, smile, and head shake like some knock-off of the perfect 50’s television family.  I’m sorry, but that’s just not who I am!  You get involved with a fire ball and you’re going to get burned every time you happen to be dumb enough to stick your hand in the flame!

It’s funny.  He talks about reading my journal to understand me.  There are things I put in here that I’ll never tell him to his face.  You know what?  He’s right.  There are a lot of things I won’t say to his face in here, or wherever else I may write.  Why?  

Because he doesn’t listen.  I’m tired of telling him how I feel about things because it just doesn’t matter.  He’s just going to do whatever the hell he wants to do and I don’t make a lick of difference.  I can tell him a thousand times and it won’t make a difference.  At least Caelan would get all depressive and cower away in his own self-loathing.  Oz doesn’t even do that.  He sulks for all of five minutes, then gets over it.  Whatever.  I’ll get over it and we’ll be all fine again.  Life will somehow be grand.  It’ll all be back to normal if he just lets my temper burn out.  Sorry, buddy, doesn’t work that way.  Keep up with that attitude and you’ll be getting dangerously close to "Game Over".  You want things to go smoothly, resolve the problems.  You want to stop the cycle of me blowing up all the time over seemingly insignificant things?  Stop breaking my back with all the not so insignificant things and maybe the small stuff won’t seem so bad anymore.  It’s not that difficult to figure me out!

Maybe I should make this easy.  There are some simple "rules" to making me happy.  They’re not too difficult to follow.  It simply means using what few brain cells you may have to think BEFORE you act instead of acting then getting bitched at later.

Rule Number One – If you tell me you’re going to do something, do it.  Don’t tell me what I want to hear, because when it comes back to me that you lied, I’ll have a major issue with you.  I don’t like being lied to.  I don’t like secrets.  If you don’t agree with my opinion, save your breath, and mine for that matter, and just tell me in the first place.  Yes, you may lose me over it if it’s major enough, but at least you still have a chance of having a friend in the end.  Deception is a great way to burn bridges with me.

Rule Number Two – If you mess up, own up to it as soon as possible, in other words, be honest even if you know it’s going to cause all kinds of hell.  If you acted before you thought and you realize I’m going to be pissed, tell me immediately.  It would be best if you told me the moment it happened.  The next time you see me, tell me that you did whatever it was you did, take the tongue lashing, or whatever reaction you get out of me, and move on.  All keeping it from me does is make me more hurt and angry when I finally do find out, and I always find out.  Trust me, you’ll get far less of a reaction and I’ll get over it far more quickly if you just tell me about it right away instead of sitting on it thinking you can get away without telling me, or waiting for the right time or words to come to mind.

Rule Number Three – While this may seem insignificant to some, don’t stay out all night!  Everyone knows I have fears of being abandoned.  Everyone knows I’m afraid of being home alone at night.  The moment I hear that front door open, especially if I’m asleep, I jump and wonder where the nearest sharp object is so I can plunge it repeatedly into the chest of the intruder before he hurts me, or worse, the kids!  Yes, sometimes I blissfully sleep through it, but more often than not, a burgaler alarm might as well have just gone off in my house.  Yes, I realize I have issues, but until they’re worked through, they’re something to think about.

Rule Number Four – If you’re going to come home stinking of beer, don’t bother coming home.  Sound unfair and like a bitchy thing to say?  I’ll be honest, I can’t sleep next to someone with beer on their breath, especially if it’s a strong scent.  I’m not comfortable with someone breathing on me, or near me if I can smell the beer on them.  I’m not a fan of the smell of hard alcohol either, but it’s more tolerable to me than the smell of beer.  I’d honestly prefer you didn’t come home smelling like alcohol at all, but if you absolutely must, don’t let it be beer.

Rule Number Five – If you can’t drink and still be responsible, don’t drink, simple as that.  People do stupid things when they drink.  Oz is not the only person I’ve known about who’s gotten drunk and…oops…cheated on his significant other with someone he swore he’d never sleep with.  If you know your partner has certain expectations, like you pay attention to the time and come home at a reasonable hour, do it!  If you can’t drink and be home at a reasonable hour, don’t drink!  After all, you KNOW that will only cause an argument.  What’s the cause of the argument?  You couldn’t be responsible and considerate of your loved one because you were drinking.  I’m sorry, but that’s not a good excuse.  If you made arrangements to be out with your buddies and weren’t going to be home until 4am, that’s fine.  I won’t expect you until 4am, but when 5am rolls around and I haven’t heard from you, I’m going to start to get upset.  When it’s 6am and you still haven’t rolled in, I’m going to be livid.  If you continually conduct yourself in a manner that’s going to cause fights because you’ve been drinking, clearly drinking is going to cause problems for the relationship.  It’s going to come down to the point that you’ve got to learn to act like a grown up while you’re drinking or you’re going to have to choose to give up alcohol or me, simple as that.

Rule Numbe Six – When you give me a time that you’re going to be back, or a time frame of how long you’re going to be gone, check in with me if something comes up and you’re not going to be home by then.  Call as soon as you can get access to a phone.  I don’t care if it’s a pay phone!  Find a way to get in touch with me.  Otherwise I’ll get worried and upset.  Even if you happen to be just across the street, if you say you’re going to just go over there long enough to finish your beer and you decide to have another, come back and tell me!  I’m not exactly trying to keep tabs on you at all times, but I get worried when you disappear for longer than you said you would.  And I’m not going over there to check on you if you’re right down the street.  For all I know, I could walk in on you having sex with the neighbor!  I’m sorry, but it’s not my responsibility to babysit you when the timeframe changes.  I shouldn’t have to call you when you’re twenty minutes late.  You should call me before it’s an issue, or as soon after as you can.

Rule Number Seven – If you’re out with my kids, you’re responsible for my kids and I expect you to act responsibly when making decisions that influence them.  Let’s think about this logically.  It’s now 4:30 in the AM.  Oz is STILL not home with my daughter.  Okay, maybe she’s passed out in front

of the television with the other kids.  Honestly, I don’t care about that.  However, how late was it when she fell asleep?  Yes, I may not have said that I wanted her home at three hours ago when he checked in on me, but I shouldn’t have had to!  He could do the math to figure out how far past her bed time it was!  He could have used his brain cells to figure out that maybe it would be wise to bring her home whether I cared or not.  It’s the same with Caelan.  When he was home watching the kids, I didn’t expect to leave for dance class with Beekee in his high chair, only to return three hours later to find that he’d never left that spot and Caelan wasn’t even in the room watching him!  I’m sorry, but if you’re with my kids out of my sight, you need to use your brains and think about what’s best for them, not what’s most convenient for you.  Letting Corde stay up until all hours of the night may seem like a treat and that you’re spoiling her, but all you’re spoiling is her sleep schedule.  It doesn’t take a genious to figure that one out, especially when Oz has seen first hand what Corde off a regular bed time does to actually getting her to bed!

These aren’t exactly hard things to do.  They just require a little courtesy and using that useless gray matter in most people’s heads that I swear has atrophied and fallen out!  I’m sorry, but when I say "don’t stay out too much later" and you’re gone another three hours, I’m going to be pissed.  When you have my kid out until 4:30am and she HASN’T been laying down and trying to sleep since midnight at the latest, I’m going to be pissed.  When you keep secrets because you’re looking for a way to tell me that’s going to keep you out of trouble, I’m going to be pissed.  When you go back on your word, I’m going to be pissed!  When you stay out all night drinking when I’ve told you countless times that I think getting drunk for fun is dumb and I really don’t approve of drinking as a passtime, I’m going to be pissed!  I’m sorry, but it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure these things out!  If I tell you something’s going to piss me off, or it’s only going to make things worse, and you ignore me and do it anyways, you deserve what you get, every ounce of it!  You act dumb, you deal with the consequences of that action.

I’m sorry, but I’m tired of dealing with childish, selfish people.  Oz has already pissed me off once tonight.  He knows how livid I was about him smoking, and how I was even more pissed and hurt that he didn’t tell me.  He knows he’s on very fragile ground with me, or should if he’s learned anything from the past.  You put me in a sour mood towards your general existance, steer clear of anything that’s going to make it worse.  He should know better than to pretend that everything is la-di-da okay and perfect.  He should know better than to piss off the pregnant, hormonal woman!  He should know better than to do a series of stupid things all in one day.  I’m honestly angry that he was so selfish as to tell me something that he knew had me furious and not talking to him for a while, so angry that I left the room, so angry that I started cleaning the house.  I was so angry with him that when he started to help me, I left the room and cleaned the car instead, putting the car seats back.  When he decided to help, I left and went back in the house.  I was furious.  I was in a foul mood.  I didn’t want to be near people.  I was tempted to tell him he could get his dishonest ass out of my house and I didn’t care if he ever came back.  I was ready to pack up all his stuff and leave it waiting on the front lawn.  I had had enough.  Yet he still thinks it’s a good idea to stay out all night drinking with my daughter at the neighbor’s house, all things we’ve talked about and he knows I disapprove of.  He had the gaul to tell me that he was only going to go back over there and finish his beer, yet not show up for three hours later.  I know he’s a horrible flirt when he’s drinking.  Hell, he’s a flirt when he’s not drinking!  Still, he’s a horrible flirt when he’s been drinking, and he’s alone in the house with a single woman and four kids who are probably passed out.  I’m sorry, but sleeping kids don’t make good chaperones.  She may not be his type and she may not ever touch him because of the drama of sleeping with her neighbor’s boyfriend, but that doesn’t stop my mind from cranking away.  I told Oz repeatedly that I’d never trust him alone with a woman again after that whole Ranelle bullshit stunt.  I swear, he’s just stomping on my every insecurity today.  He’s making sure I’ve got EVERY reason to be pissed at him.

It’s not like I’m trying to be angry either.  I’m writing all of this because I’m trying to get it out of my system so I can sleep.  I’m trying NOT to be angry.  I’m trying to deal with the situation.  I keep trying to tell myself that there’s nothing to worry about.  He’s just being his usual, stupid, 21 year old self.  Unfortunately, that’s not reassuring either.  I’m sorry, but I want a relationship with an adult.  I want someone who can act responsibly.  I want someone who can take my feelings into consideration BEFORE acting.  Hell, I’ve done it enough times with Oz.  I’ve declined going out places or tried to hurry home when I was late, even cutting much needed errands out of the trip because I knew he was late and I had no way to get in touch with him.  I knew he’d be worried, so I bust my tail to make sure I do the right thing.  When I know something upsets or annoys him, I try not to do it.  I’ve been fighting to be on my best behavior even though my mood has been all over the place lately.  I’ve been trying really hard to act like a civilized adult, not the hormonal pregnant, train-wreck that I am.  I’ve been trying to keep an even temper, but I at least have an excuse.  I’m pregnant and hormonal.  My excuse will be gone when I’m no longer hormonal.  Three months into nursing at most and I’ll even out.  When’s he going to start thinking about me instead of constantly being selfish?  When he grows up…in five years, if I’m lucky.  I don’t know if I can wait that long.

I’m seriously tempted to end it all.  I’m tempted to tell him that he’s got to find somewhere to go because he can’t stay here.  I don’t want someone who is going to be bitchy, childish, and selfish around during my pregnancy.  I’ve got enough of that between my pregnant self and two kids!  I don’t need to be babysitting the adult that got me in this position in the first place.  I’m sorry, but I don’t owe him anything because I’m carrying his child.  If he’s going to be acting like this, sure, he can be the dad, but not in my house…

And he’s home, a

t nearly 5am…

~*~Rave~*~