Kicking the Blues

So…I’m waiting for a call from Oz.  This should be interesting.  I think I’ve managed to put my emotions aside enough to do this.  I’m actually feeling really good about talking to him!

I’ve come to the conclusion that Oz is going through a total meltdown right now.  He’s trying to start going by his middle name.  He’s dealing with a lot right now.  Seeing how angry and upset he is over everything, I think it’s a good thing that I’m not with him right now.  Yeah, it hurts, but I’m surprisingly getting over it.  It feels so much better to realize it’s not me or anything I’ve done, but him.  It sounds like he’s going to realize that soon too.

I’m not expecting a world of progress.  I just want to keep the lines of communication open.  I want to try and make a way to find progress in this whole situation.  After all, if he’s willing to work with me, we may be able to work this out, at the very least, as parents.  With all this running away he’s been doing, I consider this progress.  Maybe it’s too soon for him to sit down and talk this out, but at least it’s one small step in the right direction.

Am I holding my breath for some incredible change or him miraculously realizing how much he loves to me and come running back?  No, definitely not.  Honestly, as much as I have hopes, I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen.  I do very much love him and I’m going to miss him for quite some time, but I’ll have to learn to handle it.  Until he gets through his meltdown, I’m not going to do him any good.  No one will.  He needs to make these changes for him.

I’m actually looking forward to this.  I’m looking forward to seeing if he actually calls or not.  He says he will, but he may just be saying it to hush me again.  I’m not going to trust anything he says anymore until it’s happening.  It’s going to take time, but I think we can find some sense of peace between us if he’s willing to work at it.  I also think this could blow up in my face.  If it does, well, I’m not really worried about it.  He’ll come too eventually, even if it’s not until the baby is ten years old.

In one day my thinking has totally evolved.  Not only am not so stressed about the relationship and wanting him back.  Instead I’m thinking about this from the angle of what’s best for the baby.  As much as it may be hard for me, as much as I want him back, the baby needs to know his dad.  If we can work this out, then perhaps things will get better.  I don’t even care about whether or not I’m a single mom.  I just want the baby to be happy.

It’s almost time for the call.  I need to finish my dinner, grab my phone, and head upstairs.  As much as I don’t need privacy for this, I don’t want the kids to figure out who I’m talking to.  If this goes well, I’ll probably pack up the kids and go get some milk and other essentials.  If this goes poorly, I might just come back here and write about it.  Maybe I’ll just go sulk again and call a friend.  Who knows.

~*~Rave~*~