Just Need to Vent

So here goes…

Caelan pissed me off today, surprise, surprise.  First he asks if I want to watch a movie.  I tell him I’m not really in the mood and we can’t watch it on his computer anyway.  With the AC on, I’ll never hear it.  So he asks if I want to turn the air conditioner off.  I told him no.  I don’t want to listen to him bitch about how it’s too hot.  No thanks.  So we don’t watch a movie.  I’m fine with that.  I’m getting a migraine, so it’s all good by me.  Less noise is better.

Well, we’re sitting there as it was everything I could do to resist throwing the toy Corde left on the couch at her head, reminding Corde to clean up her toys.  Caelan gives her a set time to do this in, then keeps falling asleep while she’s doing it.  How can he time how long she’s got before he gives up and cleans for her if he’s asleep?  Finally, he says he needs t go take a nap for an hour and a half or two hours.  Well, there isn’t that much time before I have to leave and I’ll be damned if I’m going to stay home because he wants to take a nap!  He was all up for watching a movie five minutes ago!  Well, he gets pissy with me saying he needs to take a nap so that he can be rested to study for the Arabic course he’s taking.  Five minutes ago that wasn’t an issue, but now that I tell him I don’t think taking a nap is a good idea because it’ll screw with his sleep schedule, he decides on it?  He’s also decided that he doesn’t care how fucked his sleep schedule gets as long as he passes this course.  Excuse me?!?  I think not!  That’s not fair to me or the kids!  It’s bad enough that I’m pretty much home alone all day because he wants the car.  Now I’ve got to worry about giving up things I want to do because we don’t have the money on top of it.  I’m not even going to have social time when I get home?  What the fuck is that?  I don’t think so!  No!  So not happening!  If he’s going to be like that, I’m going to start spending every night I can get out of the house because I can’t stand being around someone who does nothing but sleep!  It’s not fair to me.  I’m not even going to start on how fair that is to the kids!

Then there’s his deployment account.  He asked if he could take the money for that to spend on something for his fire sword.  Alright, fine…  When I know we have enough money in our bank account to last through the month, then fine.  Until that point, he can suffer!  We’re already down to fifty dollars on food stamps for the rest of the month.  We’ve got two hundred in our bank account to last us the rest of that time, minus the gas he bought yesterday.  Then there’s the cash I brought home yesterday.  I can’t be certain I’m going to make as much money next week.  Even if I do, that’s not enough to live on!  We’ve got to make that money last two weeks!  I’m sorry, but if I’m not getting my fun money, neither is he!

There’s the laundry thing too.  I mentioned that I got quarters so we can do laundry now.  He said that we just did laundry on Saturday!  Excuse you?  We did laundry on Saturday, but I only had three pairs of underwear washed, three pairs of pants, three bras, and somehow two shirts.  There was just enough clothing for the kids to dress them, as well as a couple of his uniforms.  The idea was that we’d do laundry again on Sunday after ESA.  That clothing was supposed to last us until then and then we’d do all the rest of it.  I don’t know how this man thinks that we can get away with doing laundry once every month, but that’s so not happening.  I’m sick of digging through dirty clothes to find the cleanest so I can wear something.  And, let me tell you, if he thinks I’m going to drag the kids to do laundry, he’s got another thing coming!  Until we get a washer and dryer, I’m doing laundry without the kids if I have to go.  No more of this "Can you at least take Corde?" crap!  I’m done with that!  I swear, if he said that as I was heading out today, I’d smack him…

I’ve also told him to wake me up every morning before he goes to PT.  I’ll get up and do yoga.  Then when he comes home, I’ll make breakfast.  Sounds like a good deal to me!  I’ve been getting up at a reasonable hour, between 7:30 and 8.  I usually lounge in bed until after he leaves just to see if he’ll come up.  Today Aris happened to be awake.  I asked Caelan while I was up with the baby, "Why haven’t you been getting me up in the mornings?"  His response was one of those grunt-like things that roughly translate into some form of not knowing.  I’m beginning to think he doesn’t want me up and making breakfast in the morning.  Of course, that’s probably half the reason he’s having such a hard time in his Arabic class.  I doubt he even eats breakfast.  I don’t know what he uses that time for, but I can tell you this much, it’s not wild sex with his wife!  This is probably too much info…but my sex life would probably be better if I were cloistered up in some nunnery!  If I were going into the hospital for anything and they asked if there was any chance that I was pregnant, I’d be torn between laughing, telling them that you have to be having sex to get pregnant, or that if I am, they’d better alert the media because it’s some kind of divine intervention!

You know, I wonder if I can file for divorce because my husband isn’t interested in me sexually?  Reason for filing: Sexual Incompatability.  What does that mean?  I want it, he’s not putting out!  If you’ve been reading my diary for a while, this should tell you something!  I have pretty much no sex drive!  It picks up just a little before my period, but still!  That should be a flag for most people!  When the girl who has no interest in sex is complaining about not gettng any, that should be a big problem!  I’m an easy enough person to please!  And what kills me is that Caelan said we’ve got a normal sexual relationship for a married couple…more than once a month.  What drugs is he on?  Most of my married friends have sex at least twice a week!  What’s worse is that I’m not even sexually interested in him anymore!  Seriously!  We’re not sexually compatable!  He’s big into the BDSM thing.  I’ve found that I completely outgrown it.  I no longer have interest in hurting people.  I don’t have interest in making them feel like they’re subject to someone else’s will.  I don’t feel like being used or subjected to someone else’s will.  I’m sorry, but that’s not me.  At one point, I thought those desires were healthy, but in reality, those are just the hidden desires of one person to abuse another, and that’s never okay.  Honestly, I think we can stick a fork in it, my relationship is done!

Moving right along…  I’m afraid I’m going to get burned by Annie.  I’m af

raid she’s not going to pay for her star, her poi, and the Melodias I said I’d give her.  I doubt I’d see my dance bra and hoodie if I wasn’t going to pick them up today.  I have a feeling I’m going to be stuck paying for them all.  However, if she burns me like this, we’re done.  I’m not playing these kinds of games.  She already ditched me for plans we made last Saturday.  We were supposed to go to Wyldefyre today, but she decided last minute that she was gaming.  Then we were supposed to go to Lucila’s on Saturday, but it looks like she’ll be going out and getting drunk after ritual.  Let’s not forget that she was supposed to come to class yesterday and never showed.  That’s two weeks now, people!  She claims the only reason people talk to her at circle is because she’s her mother’s daughter.  It’s not.  They just like her.  She’s friendly, but she’s also fickle and two-faced.  Honestly, on that front, I’m done.  I gave her another chance.  I even gave circle another chance, but I’m not going to give them chances to the end of time.  I need to find positive community again.  I need to find some base of strength for myself.

Anyhow, I need to get ready to go meet with the knitters.  I’ll check in later, hopefully with some happier news.  Until then, the good stuff of the day…

1) Corde finally did some cleaning.

2) Celeste has been working on a duet piece for us to do at fire shows…pretty cool!

3) Nova is coming to visit in two weeks!

4) I frogged the gray socks.  There were too many problems.  Instead, I’m working on cheery pink!

5) I’ve started getting up earlier each day.  This could be a positive trend.

6) Come Sunday I will have gone my first full week of eating home cooked meals!  That’s a positive trend!

7) I’m going out for coffee with knitters tonight.  I doubt I’ll drink coffee, but I’ll get something good.

8) I got some really nice yarn yesterday.  It was a bit of a splurge, but I only spent $20, so not too bad.

9) I love driving by myself.  I get to listen to my own music and sing as loud as I want!

10) It’s another kid-free, husband-free night where I can really just be me!

~*~Rave~*~