Heaven Sent

I don’t know what happened.  Something is different.  Suddenly it’s like I’ve found some kind of salve, something to make it all better.  I’ve found some vague sense of happiness.  I’m not sure where it came from or why, but suddenly the world around me is different.  My perspective is different.  My life is different!

This morning was surreal.  I woke up to Caelan wrapped around me.  We talked a bit about what we had to do today.  He kissed me.  He took my top off.  No, you don’t know where this is going…  He actually massaged out the stiff muscles of my back.  He ran his fingers through my hair in that way that only he seems to have figured out works so well for me.  I was mush.  Then, when all was said and done, I took my shower, got dressed, and went downstairs.  No, we didn’t have sex.  It didn’t even get sexual.  It was all cuddling and closeness without the pressure of sex.  It was just what I needed.

For breakfast I made pancakes.  We all ate until we were full.  Even Aris had one and a half pancakes!  Caelan and I talked while I manned the stove.  He took care of the kids.  We actually talked about random things, smiled, and had a good time.  Even Corde was pretty well mannered!

After our very late breakfast, I sat down in Caelan’s lap.  He asked if I was okay.  He said it seemed like something was wrong.  I wouldn’t say wrong.  It’s more that something was right.  I wanted to cry on his shoulder.  We’ve been through so much recently.  Our marriage was almost torn to pieces.  It still sits on very shakey ground.  I’ve been torn between my heart and my head.  Everyone thinks I should leave Caelan.  There seems to be almost no exception on that one.  However, sitting in his lap with my head on his shoulder, it all seemed better.  This was like it was early in our relationship, when we were still happy, when we were so much in love we couldn’t see straight.

I had a bit of what I call inversion therapy today.  When I was younger I used to love hanging upside down.  It wasn’t like most kids where it was a change of perspective.  I would hang upside down until I felt my head was about to split.  It loosened up my spine.  It released so much.  It had this incredible change on my perspective.  I can’t even explain the effect.  It wasn’t until my sister flipped my feet over the bar while I was hanging upside down that I stopped enjoying it.  I was always afraid she’d do it again.  My brain kept going through the the pain over and over.  It wasn’t as soothing.  However, today I just leaned back between Caelan’s knees with my legs wrapped around his waist and dangled upside down over the edge of the couch.  It was wonderful.  Caelan put my knees over his shoulders and I could almost feel the blood rushing from my feet down towards my head.  Then the crazy man stood up with me hanging upside down.  Yes, he warned me first.  I hung there with my finger tips brushing the ground as my kees held me securely in place over his shoulders, his arms wrapped around my legs so if I slipped, he’d at least be able to slow my fall to controlled.  I hung there for a minute at least, enjoying the feeling.  Then I sat up and grabbed his arms for support.  I wrapped my arms around his neck and he put his arms around my back so I wouldn’t fall back again.  He seemed amused that I managed to contort myself in such a way to get my legs beneath me again so he could just set me down.  Honestly, I don’t think he realizes just how much i needed that.  There’s nowhere to hang like that around here, at least not anywhere safe.

We went shopping today.  I got more candles.  I got two white candles for my goddess icon.  Then I got a green candle for Brian.  It just seemed right.  I know blue is usually the association for healing, but for whatever reason, green felt like the color he needed for healing.  I got a red candle for Mandi.  I was told she needed strength with everything she’s going through right now.  Red is for courage and strength.  Finally, I got a blue candle for my dear Phoenix.  Blue for peace.  Blue for health.  Blue for calm.  Blue for serenity.  Blue for love, as odd as it may sound.  Blue for happiness.  I turned off the AC and burned them all for a good long while.  I burned them with dragon’s blood incense for protection, to protect them all, especially my dear Phoenix.  She’s suffered enough already.

I made stroganoff for dinner tonight.  We had to run to Walmart to grab a couple extras to make it, but that was okay.  It was good to get out.  Caelan didn’t turn into a big meanie when we were out.  He was really trying.  I’ll give him credit for that.  He really is trying with the kids.  It’s making a big difference.

And would you believe it, Caelan and I actually had sex!  Yes, I know, you didn’t want to know that, but given sex life is an important part of marriage, that’s kind of important to me.  It wasn’t the usual kind of thing where he’s practically pouncing me and I’m only half interested.  It was sweet and tender.  It was kind of romantic.  It’s like he’s finally realized exactly what he has to lose.  If it wasn’t for the distraction of my ears hurting, I think it would have been pretty perfect.  I can’t blame him for the ears hurting.  They did just have big old pieces of metal put through them after all.  He was even sweet and caring after he turned the light out.  I had a bit of a panic attack, no idea why.  It just happens sometimes, I remember these emotions and am suddenly terrified.  He just held me, rubbed my back, and told me it was alright.  He had me.  I was safe.

Of course, it wasn’t all perfect.  I found myself laying in bed, completely unable to sleep.  I had a million things running through my mind that I just wasn’t able to shut down.  I needed a moment to calm down.  Rather than my usual tossing and turning, I just trotted down the stairs.  Now I’m sitting in front of this computer, letting Caelan sleep, having just made myself some decaffinated green tea, and listening to Charolotte Martin.  It’s nice.  In the past he would complain about how I wasn’t going to bed with him, that he hated going to bed alone, but now he at least had me for a little while.  I stayed until well after he was sleeping.  I would just feel bad if I woke him up.

I have all these ideas running through my head.  There’s a costume I need to make.  I keep seeing shisha mirrors, coins, and nailhead studs.  I see big tassels.  I see big, bulky jewelry.  I’m thinking I need to get back into ATS again.  I really love tribal fusion, but I miss ATS!&nbs

p; There’s something powerful about it.  It’s intense.  It’s just indescribable!  There is nothing like watching a group of women dance together, all going through the same moves almost intuitively.  It’s incredible.

This, of course, comes from a number of places.  The biggest influence was the drum circle last night.  Gina, Celeste, Deborah, and I all were dancing together.  I was showing Gina some of the cues for ATS.  Celeste and Deborah joined in.  Then we were all dancing together in a circle facing each other.  I was cueing and everyone was following.  We laughed a lot as people made mistakes.  It was a lot of fun!  It made me realize how much I loved the connection of improvisational dance, of dancing with other people, of tribe!  Choreographies are nice and everything, but there’s nothing like being able to improvise the entire routine and have everyone think that you’ve been working on it for quite some time.  That one performance at Green Street Studio with Shakti completely ruined me!  That was the most fun I’d had at any of the performances.  We were all really connected.  It was just beautiful.  I want that back.  I really miss Shakti more than anyone else.  I wish I could still learn from her.  I really want to be a part of that style of dance again.  I mean, I love what I do and all, but I really do wish I had more chance to learn improvisational dance.  It’s where my heart truly is.  The rest is just fun and games.

There was an interesting response to the last Thursaday I went to.  When I was dancing with Hawk and Celest, one of the audience members thought it gave the impression that Hawk and Celeste were my parents and I was their child, especially since I was wearing pigtails.  They said it looked like Hawk was dancing protectively around us.  Celeste had this nurturing appearance towards me.  I’m just so glad that there was such a strong response to the way we danced together.

I’m really finding the more I do it, the more I really enjoy improvisational dance.  The connection is just incredible!  We did all sorts of improvisation at the show last night.  It was something to see!  We had at least five fire performers going at once with me in the middle balancing my sword.  It was incredible!  The fire was flashing off the sword.  Everyone was playing with everyone else.  I was in such awe that I almost forgot to dance and sat and watched everyone else.  Then Celeste, Hawk, and I danced together.  Hawk and I danced together as well.  Since we had no cues it was all based on feel.  Let me tell you, it was wonderful!

The performance yesterday went alright as well.  I think my first piece was okay, but a bit long.  I wish I’d been better prepared for it.  I wasn’t really familiar enough with the music.  If Annie hadn’t bailed on me, I would have planned something different, but she did.  I’m not entirely surprised.  The second piece had some truely aweful moments.  I dropped my sword twice!  I need to work more with it.  Ironically, later that night I didn’t drop it at all.  I honestly think I was just more nervous because Kim was there.  I didn’t want her to get the satisfied feeling of seeing me do poorly so she could show me up.  It was a good experience, though.  It looks like I’ll have a chance to do better as well.  Apparently we’re going to be doing this every month at the market.  I’m good with that!  It will be good performance experience and I could always use that.  Besides, I think it would be a good place to bring my students and friends.  Perhaps if we can get enough people to dance we can have dancers from 10am when they get us going straight through the end of the faire!  Wouldn’t that be nice?

Well, I’m starting to zen out.  I just changed the music to Loreena McKennit.  I’m sipping on my tea.  I’ve got Pooka curled up in my lap.  I think it’s time I start chilling out and winding down.  I’ve got a lot of work to do over the next two weeks to get ready for my second dance class!  So here’s some happy things to go with my happy zen mood!  Oddly enough, I found someone doing the ten positive things about myself entry thing that started this all off.  She said she wasn’t going to keep it up past five days.  She was getting frustrated with it.  I’m not sure how long I’ve been doing the ten positive things list, but I know I’ve done it more than ten times by now!  I’ll admit, some days I just don’t want to do it.  However, I still make myself.  The reason is because with enough encouragement, affirmation, whatever, your perspective truly can change.  That’s what I’m shooting for, a changing perspecitve, and it seems to be working.  After all, my life has started to change in so many ways already!

1) I’ve decided that I like ATS so much that I’m going to make my Saturday class an ITS (improv tribal style) class.  That means I’ll get a chance to work on my improv skills while teaching them to other people.  The distinction between ATS and ITS?  Well, ATS is American Tribal Style, which uses a specific vocabulary of moves.  The cool thing about that is I could dance with any other dancer in the world that uses ATS, even if we’ve never met, because we speak the same language!  However, I don’t know enough ATS, so I’m using ITS.

2) I remember going to a drum night at Shakti’s house.  I remember having tea while I was there, listening to the music, and truly enjoying dancing with the other women.  We used improv cues when we danced together.  That was one of the most intense moments I can think of.  I wish I could go back and do it all again.

3) Dancing with Hawk and Celest is always incredible!  I hope I have many more opportunities!

4) I’ve decided to buy myself some zills.  As I learn ATS, I’m going to learn it with zills.  I’ve wanted to dance with zills for a while now.  It’s about time I learned!

5) I’ve decided that I’m going to make myself a few more ATS styled costumes.  I only really have a couple pieces I can use right now.  However, I love the style so much that it has to change.  Now I just need to figure out where I can get all the cool jingles and stuff!

6) I’ve decided I’m going to start making my own cowrie falls.  I think I’m going to sell them at Sisters and Gaia’s if I can manage it.  It will be so nice to have that extra income, but it will be nicer still to see people wearing falls that I made!  I’ve been told I make beautiful falls and they’re so much different than many of the other ones I’ve seen.  I may as well put that unique craft to work for me!

7) Today I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.  Yes,

I had my flaws.  My skin isn’t perfectly clear for starters!  However, I liked the way my hair looked.  It’s now mouse brown tipped with a tawny gold.  I think I may keep it that way for a while.  The big silver hoops seem very appropriate, even though I’m not a fan of the captive ball.  The nose ring looks great, as always!  I looked at myself and actually smiled!

8) Caelan’s half way throuh his Arabic course!  Better yet, he’s doing better in it than he thought!

9) Mmm…green tea…  I’d never really liked tea so much when I was younger.  I started drinking it when I worked for LensCrafters.  I don’t know when it happened, exactly, but I suddenly became a big tea drinker.  No cream, no sugar, no anything, just tea, thank you!

10) I’ve finally had a day where I’m happy!  It’s had it’s frustrations, but it’s been worth it.  I can look back on my day and smile, which is something I’ve needed for a good long while.

~*~Raven Night~*~