Disappeared, POOF!

Yeah, I fell off the face of the planet…just a little bit.  For those of you who may have popped over to my story, yeah, that explains so much.  I’ve been writing a whole bunch lately, just not about my life.

As for my life, I’ve realized what I need to do.  I’ve kind of had a rude awakening.  I had been reconsidering my options on Caelan for quite some time.  There’s just so many ways in which we’re not compatable.  Now it seems we can’t even hold a conversation on the phone.  The distance beween us is just getting too wide.  It seems like things are only getting worse the more the military is involved.

I’ve also had a couple people question me about how he is with the kids.  One of them even mentioned that he seems kind of abusive and controlling and wonders if he’s embarassed to let people see him scream at the kids like that.  Honestly, I’m embarassed when he yells at the kids like that.  I even try and convince him to be more lax, but nothing works.  He’s always yelling at her.

Then there’s going out places.  He’s always snapping at her to sit down, face where she’s going, or not to touch things.  He’s constantly on about how she’s so out of control when we go places.  She’s really not that bad!  Yes, she does tend to run a little crazy after a long shopping trip.  Who can blame her?  She gets bored.  So do I if it’s not somewhere I want to go.  On top of that, the more controlling he is over her, the more rebellious she gets.  And when all he does is scream at her, it doesn’t make things better.

I’ve come to the conclusion that something is wrong here.  Corde screams whenever I leave her with Caelan because "Daddy’s mean.  He never lets me do anything.  All I do is stay in my room all the time."  She’s right.  He’s always exiling her to her room for no reason at all.  At least when I exile her to her room it’s because she’s just getting out of control and needs to calm down, or she’s taking everything from her baby brother and making him cry.  There’s always a reason for it.  He sends her to her room because "She’s being too loud."  I’m sorry, but she’s not being that loud!  She’s just being a kid!

And that’s where all the problems with her started.  I know Caelan claims he’s never been around kids and that’s why he’s so strict, but that’s not the case.  I hadn’t been around little kids much when I started nannying, but I picked up on it really quick.  It’s a choice.  He just doesn’t like kids.  He treats them with these strict regulation, like they’re supposed to be more disciplined than normal children, just becaue they are his.  He wants them to be obedient.  He complain that Corde isn’t observant because she misses some things sitting right in front of her.  I’m sorry, but I do that too.  Just because he supposedly catches ever detail doesn’t mean that his daughter will.  On top of that, by making kids be completely obedient, their world becomes about pleasing the people who rule over them.  They lose their sense of self and creativity.  They become submissive and broken.  I’m sorry, but I want bold, confident children that can come up with a solution to their problems on their own.  I don’t want children who are constantly looking for someone else to approve of their actions before they make them.

Then again, he wants the submissive wife.  He wants me to stay at home and take care of the house.  He doesn’t want me to have to work.  As a result, he keeps reminding me how hard he works all day and ignores what I go through.  He was a stay at home parent.  However, he wasn’t a good one.  He was neglectful.  No, I may not be the most interactive with my kids.  That just overwhelms me.  However, I make more of an effort than he does.  He wants everything exactly when he wants it.  Hell, he even wants to have sex when he wants it and doesn’t give a damn when I do.  I mean, I don’t think he’d ever force me if I told him off, but he somehow expects me to get in the mood whenever he’s interested and won’t even make an effort for the same with me.  He was talking about wanting to PCS out of here when he gets home from Iraq.  He didn’t even ask me.  He just told me he would be putting in to PCS when he re-enlists.  If he can’t do SF, that’s what he wants to do.  I told him I was frustrated with that because I was just starting to get my life together here.  I really don’t want to move.  Of course, he didn’t care.  Originally we were talking about Bragg, so I could suffer through, but I’d miss my friends here.  However, Bragg is a much closer drive to home.  Where is he talking now?  Germany.  He’s dead set on it.  I have a bad feeling he’s going to put in for Germany whether I want him to or not.  I told him I’d rather wait until the kids are old enough to actually remember it.  I’d like to wait until the kids are old enough that we could actually enjoy being in Europe, could travel and that sort of thing.  However, he wants to do it now because if we don’t do it now, we’ll never be able to, or at least that’s what he said.  Two months ago he was okay with not going to Germany.  I don’t know what changed.

I can’t help but think this has something to do with the relationship falling apart.  Maybe he blames my friends.  Maybe he thinks if he can take them away from me, then I won’t think they way I do anymore.  Both of my closest friends are divorced from bad relationships that they got into far too young.  I got into this relationship when I was young.  I was only twenty.  I was using Caelan as a way to run from another suffocating relationship.  We’ve had nothing but strife in our time together.  I got pregnant, and that kind of sealed it.  We had to stay together.  He wasn’t going to abandon me when I was carrying his child.

Strangely, I think about how things have gone recently.  He just let Jackal get away.  A part of me thinks that he called Animal Control himself to complain about a loose dog in the neighborhood.  Then he takes Pooka outside and ditches her on the way to work.  I’m still upset about that, though I try to pretend I’m not.  He wants Wendigo to stay outside all the time.  He wants to find a home for our other cat.  The animals that have helped me less alone are now being exiled from my life.  The kids are supposed to stay out of sight.  Even poor Aris is expected to be exiled to his bed for long periods of the day.  It’s no wonder he’s not as interactive as he could be.  He thinks Aris should spend his whole life in a playpen, caged off from the outside world.  It’s just not fair.  I’m half surprised that he hasn’t tried to abandon the kids somewhere to get rid of them too.

I don

‘t know.  I hate that this is over.  I hate that things have fallen apart between us.  I hate that things never should have gone this far.  I hate that I don’t know what I’m doing or where I should go from here.  I hate that my friends think Caelan is at least slightly abusive towards the kids, and certainly neglectful.  I hate that my friends think I’m actually making the right choice and worse, that I agree with them.  I hate that this is all falling apart.  I’ve kind of been hiding from it.  I know once he’s back I won’t be able to do it again.  I’ll feel guilty.  I’ll feel like I shouldn’t be thinking those kinds of thoughts.  I’ll be trying everything I can to make this work, even though it never will.

I honestly think this is why I don’t jump out of one relationship until I have another lined up already.  It’s not fear of being alone.  It’s that person giving me strength to do what I need to do.

Well, after that depressing entry, I think it’s time for something a little uplifting…  The pictures from the day Morgan went all photographer on us…

~*~Raven Night~*~