Death by Drama

Wow…  That’s all I have to say…  Wow…

So I went over to Krystal’s yesterday.  She wasn’t there when I got there, so I found other things to do for a while before I let myself in.  She told me to come over, so I did.  I’m starting to think that was a mistake.

Sonny was driving me nuts.  He was pacing around the house like a mad-man because he was stressed out.  It was stressing me out, so I asked him to stop.  I should have just let him irritate me, I swear.  So we sit down and have a conversation.  He decides to try and analyze me.  I so wasn’t in the mood.  It wasn’t good.  Eventually the tables got turned on him and it was his brain being broken.  Yeah…fun times…really…okay, not.  So we talked.  I thought everything was okay, but apparently not because he was acting weird.

Then Krystal had a meltdown.  She was saying she didn’t want to do November Noir anymore.  She wasn’t even sure she wanted to finish college.  She was feeling like a failure as a mother.  She was telling me how my kids were absolutely awful.  Aris does nothing but cry when I leave, apparently.  Corde throws tantrums left and right.  I know it’s not that bad.  I know she didn’t really mean it as harshly as she said it.  Even so, it still irritated me.  My kids aren’t the only problem here.  I’d like to think things are better, but she really needs to start staying out of things that aren’t her business.  It would reduce her stress a whole lot.  For example, whatever drama happens between Sonny and I is between he and I.  She doesn’t need to stress over it because it’s not her problem unless we ask her to mediate or something.  I know she just wants to help, but how helpful can it be if she’s just stressing herself out about it?

To top it all off, Sonny got the wrong idea about me.  Somehow he thinks I’m going to make this whole thing into something sexual.  I made the comment that I didn’t really want to be alone last night, and that just went all crazy and insane.  Suddenly Sonny was thinking I wanted specifically him to stay with me because I wanted something to happen there.  He was convinced it would turn sexual and he didn’t want that.  Of course, to make things better, he told Krystal that.  I made Krystal send him to talk to me about it (wow, isn’t this high school drama?) so I could sort things out.  He was convinced that because I kept insisting that all I wanted was friendship and all I wanted was not to be alone, I must be trying to convince him.  Honestly, at that point, I just didn’t care anymore.  I just didn’t want him to get the wrong idea about me.  I think perhaps I’ve gotten the idea through his head.

What is it about me that makes every man in my life think my desire for physical comfort is really a drive for sex?  Doesn’t anyone realize that I really don’t care for sex?  I could probably live the rest of my life without it and be okay.  Is that really so hard to understand?

And what is it about people projecting their own problems on to me?  I seriously think his confusion with the desire for something more comes from him.  Yes, I will admit, I am a shameless flirt with my male friends.  If I’ve got a female friend who isn’t made uncomfortable with it, I’m a shameless flirt with them too!  That’s just how I am.  I act that way because it’s fun and tends to kill some of the tension.  I could just act like a little kid, which is far more how I’m inclined to act, but usually that gets an even worse reaction.  I don’t know, it’s just confusing.

It’s just all chaos right now.  I think I need a couple days for it all to mellow out.  I just need things to go back to normal.  I mean, Caelan’s coming home tomorrow.  I’ve got to break the news to him that I want to separate, maybe eventually divorce.  I wrote Krystal telling her exactly how I felt about the biggest part of my stress at her house.  I’m afraid that’s going to blow up in my face.  I stayed over Gina’s last night to avoid being home.  I’ve really got to stop running away.  Yet what am I doing?  Running away from my friends for a little while so I can have some peace and quiet.  I guess it’s not so much running away as trying to take some time to re-energize.  I need to refresh myself so I can face the world again.

This morning I hopped on Gina’s scale.  I’ve lost fifteen pounds in the past month or so.  I’m down to one hundred fifteen pounds.  That’s not healthy.  That’s ten pounds less than the bare minimum of what I should weigh.  No wonder my period was so strangely light.  It’s also not surprising that I’m so tired all the time.  Of course I’m always tired.  I’m under weight and not just by a pound or two anymore.  I’m kind of afraid to mention that to anyone because I don’t want them to jump down my throat about how I’ve got to get my stress levels back under control and start gaining weight again.  Ugh…this is all just so frustrating.

Anyhow, I need to see what I can do to get my life back in order.  I’m trying to figure that out right now.  However, what I need to do more than anything is get some work done around here.  It seems like I’ve got a whole lot to do and not nearly enough time to do it all.  Wish me luck.

~*~Raven Night~*~  aka the girl getting her life back together