Brand New Day

It’s time to pick myself up and move on.

I did write Krystal.  I told her most of how I felt.  I left a lot of it out.  It was simply too much, so I focused on the productive things.  I told her how I was really uncomfortable with the idea of helping, but if she wanted me to, I could.  I really went out on a limb there.

Krystal pretty much said she’s uninsultable when it comes to these things.  Her comment about fucking up her kids was a joke, but I think I was too nervous to see that.  Thinking back, yeah, I can see how it would come across in the tone in her voice.  I’m just too sensitive to catch on.  She pretty much told me that I’m more than welcome to help and I won’t be stepping on toes.  So, I guess this is mostly worked out.

She mentioned the reason Lili doesn’t treat Corde the same as her other friends.  It’s the tantrums.  I can understand that.  Corde was the tantrum queen when Caelan was here and gone so much.  Those first couple weeks before Caelan left for NTC were the worst.  She was having accidents regularly and threw fits several times a day.  I don’t think Lili’s really old enough to understand that Corde is getting better.  She’s matured a lot in the one month Daddy’s been gone, and that bothers me.  I’m greatful, but it bothers me that Caelan’s absence is such a big influence.

Then there’s Caelan.  I told him we needed to talk when he got back and it wouldn’t be a happy, squishy conversation.  He though I’d found someone else.  I told him I wanted a separation.  He tried to make me feel guilty, "great, so the person who got me through all this doesn’t want me there."  It almost worked.  It’s always worked before.  I’m not entirely sure what’s different.  The truth is, I really don’t want to leave him, but I have to.  If I don’t do it for myself, I’ve got to at least do it for the kids.

I just kept running things Sonny said through my head.  I deserve to be happy.  I need to start standing up for myself.  Then I tossed in something Magpie said a long time ago.  The only way people can hurt me is if I let them.  I deserve better than someone who wants to treat me poorly.  I deserve to be respected.  Funny, they both have the most intense blue eyes I’ve ever seen.  I could get lost in both of them.

I talked to Cwellan yesterday.  He and I have been talking a lot more lately.  I guess now that I’ve found a way to forgive him for every way he’s wronged me, I’m feeling a lot better.  I was so upset about everything, so he told me to write it down.  I could always let the pen do the talking for me, say everything I wanted to say so I didn’t get hostile, or more common for me, didn’t back down.  I’ll admit, I’ve got this strange fear of standing up to Caelan.  I can yell and scream when I know he’s not going to react in any way but to hide and ignore me, but the moment I think action needs to be taken, I’m afraid.  I think he’s really earned me back as a friend this time, because I don’t know what I’d do without him.  I know better than to let him push my boundries, but I think friend could work.

In our conversation of everything else, we got to the topic of Sonny.  I was irritated by him because he’s a scorpio I actually like.  I’ve been trying to figure him out almost since I left Krystal’s that last time.  As it turns out, I’ve been played!  I doubt he even realizes he stacked the deck against me so well.  Stupidly enough, I asked him how long he needed to sort out my head.  He told me (which I didn’t expect) two days.  Well, guess who I’ve been thinking about with pretty constant regularity in that time!  It’s like that trick, tell someone not to think about elephants for the next five minutes and all they can think about is elephants.  Well, in this case, someone has presented me with an enigma, something I’ve got to figure out.  Then they’ve taken it away from me.  Suddenly I’m obsessed with figuring it out because it’s not there anymore and I can’t work my way through it.  Talk about a manipulation!  And I doubt he even realized he did it.  However, Cwellan caught on right away.

However, this part I’ve figured out all on my own.  The push away, letting in game is also kind of driving me to think about him.  He claims I’m going to become obsessed with him.  Well, yeah…  That’s what happens when one minute you’re willing to play, be silly, and act like friends and the next you’re pushing me away and I can feel the tension between us.  Damn straight it’s going to get me so wrapped around you that I’m impossible to get off!  You know why?  Because suddenly I just have to figure you out.  That’s the behaviour of a broken person and I have to fix you.  Don’t want me to do that?  Act like a normal person!

Anyhow, I’m just going to leave him be today.  If he wants to talk to me, he can talk to me.  If not, that’s his thing.  However, I will respect his wishes.  I’m not even going to mention his girlfriend because he asked me not to…even though he said that and then continued to talk about nothing but her…boys…  I’m not going to tell him that he’s got to stand up to his family.  What right do I have when I’m still afraid of doing it?  If he wants to talk to me, I’ve got plenty to talk to him about, this little game he’s playing…and there’s the best friend conversation of me being absolutely terrified that I’ll lose my footing and cave in when it comes to Caelan.  However, I’m not going to open doors he doesn’t want to until he’s the one to open them.  Goddess do I hate Scorpios…

I think either the universe is playing a mean trick on me or I need to rewrite my description of an ideal partner, because I wrote that up and the only description that Sonny doesn’t fit is that his life isn’t together, something he’s working on currently.  I’m not entirely sure that he needs to be anywhere above potential best friend status.  I think I need to reconsider and refine the details…  Because as much as I’m not ready to be in any relationship yet, I really want some happiness to be filtering into my life…

This whole thing is disturbing.  I’ve picked up smoking again…cloves, because I’m a good little goth girl.  I’ve got my emo cigarettes, my emo lighter, my emo journal, and now my emo hair.  I’ve lost fifteen pounds over the past month, maybe as little as the last two weeks.  I’m now underweight, go me.  Thankfully, it’s only by ten pounds so it’s not like I look all that sickly or anything.  I’m just worried about what happens if I don’t even out soon and keep going at this rate.  I keep sleeping these really strange hours.  I’ve got to admit, even if my friends weren’t worried about me, I’d be worried about me.  I am worried about me!

However, this is how it’s going to happen.  Caelan is going to find somewhere else to go.  I’m going to continue with my dance classes and getting ready for November Noir.  Krystal and I are going to finish working out the details of why our kids have so ma

ny problems together and we’re going to try and fix it.  Sonny and I are going to go back to being friends.  Annie’s going to take Krystal’s place for the show.  Once it’s over I’m going to start working on the next event.  Then I think I’m going to take a vacation for a week or two before I start working on anything else because it’s been a stressful season.  I’m going to find my happiness.  Caelan and I are both going to move on with our lives.  We’re going to end up going our separate ways.  I’m probably going to end up in a relationship in a year.  He’ll probably end up in one when he gets back from Iraq.  I’ll move to Austin and get my life together.  I’ll find a way to work things out with getting a job and taking care of the kids.  I’ll still be involved with everything because I won’t be so far away.  My life will start going the direction I want it to go.  Eventually in all that mess, I’ll figure out how to be happy again.

So good things are coming my way in the future.  I’ve just got to focus on that, because it’s certainly going to be an interesting road getting there.

~*~Raven Night~*~