And I’m Done…

I know many of you will not agree with my latest course of actions.  You don’t have to.  This isn’t your life.  This isn’t your choice.  Let me live with my own decisions and mistakes.  However, I’m kicking Caelan out and offering him very little chance to redeem himself.  He doesn’t deserve an easy way out anymore.

Caelan left for the field on Wednesday.  I got up early in the morning to drive him in.  Truth be told, I didn’t even sleep.  There was no way I would be up in time if I did.  He said he was supposed to be home on Thrusday, then back out for Friday and Saturday.  Later that night he called to tell me that he wouldn’t be home on Thursday.  I would have to find a sitter or cancel the show with Wyldefyre.  He called me so late to tell me this that it was too late to call anyone, so I had to wait until the net morning.

Thursday I got a call late in the afternoon, just as I had finished working out the babysitting and all of that.  He told me that he’d be coming home and needed a ride.  I told him I couldn’t do that.  I already would have left by then.  He got all upset about that.  I asked him if I waited if he could watch the kids, but he’d need to be back to work by midnight, so there was no hope that I could work all that out in time.  We’d be pushing to make it happen.  He finally resigned to getting a ride and I didn’t see him at all on Thursday.

Friday rolled by without word from him.  I’d lost my keys and called him in an upset panic, angry and upset.  He promised he’d clean the house, do at least a little work before he left.  He couldn’t even take care of the dishes, which he promised to do.  I told him when he got home we NEEDED to clean the house and find his key so this wouldn’t happen again.  Much as I expected, the night went on and I got no response.

Saturday was the family day.  I was supposed to go, but I realized too late that it interfeared with my class schedule and I didn’t cancel class soon enough.  I didn’t want everyone showing up to find no one there to teach, so I didn’t go.  Besides, Caelan was supposed to be able to come home that night.  He could have called during that the check in with me.  I’m sure they all had a break from work for it.  However, he didn’t.  I waite all day for him to call telling me he’d need a ride home.  I half expected him to be home when I got there, having found another ride.

Well, at four in the morning, I was laying awake in bed, listening to the neighbors load stuff in a Budget truck, half tempted to call the MPs about the racket they were making.  I called Caelan to tell him not to expect a ride in the morning because I’d be far too tired to drive out and pick him up.  I wouldn’t have gotten any sleep.  He’d need to find another way.  I figured this was acceptable and I’d here from him some time today.  Surely they just got held over in the field an extra day.  He probably forgot to call.  Surely he’d call me in the morning at least to tell me what was going on.  It wouldn’t be long before he’d be home, and exhausted as we was, I’d push him into work cleaning the house so it would be ready for Krystal’s kids to come over tomorrow morning.

It’s now no longer morning.  It’s afternoon.  Two-thirty in the afternoon and still nothing from him.  His phone is off "to conserve battery power".  I doubt he’s even gotten my messages.  I don’t know who to call for information.  I don’t know how to figure out when he’ll be home.  If he was going to be extended past today, he owed it to me to call yesterday and let me know, if not as early in the morning as he could today.  I don’t care if his phone was dead.  He could at least borrow someone else’s.  He has a wife and kids.  I’m sure they’d understand.  Yet still I hear nothing.  In truth, my gut tells me I’m not going to hear anything.  I have this funny feeling he’s not coming home until tomorrow and won’t be bothered with calling me until then.

So I’ve made a decision, as painful as it is.  If Caelan doesn’t call by midnight, he’s not allwed back in this house.  I can’t live with someone who has such little regard for my feelings.  I can’t live with someone who cares more about minutes on his phone than he does about whether I know what’s going on.  Most importantly, I can’t live with someone who has such disregard for his family to ask me to drop all my plans so he can come home for one evening when he knows there are people who are counting on me, yet can’t be bothered to make sure he at least calls as close to daily as possible to check in and make sure we’re all okay.  I just can’t live like this, holding my breath every time he’s away incase he has the time for me.  I can’t just drop all my plans on a whim for him, especially when it comes to performances and classes.  I can’t just drop everything at a moment’s notice to go pick him up and then wait in the car for an hour with the kids because they’re not letting him out yet.  I need to have a life too.  It’s not fair to me and i’s not fair to the kids.  As much as it hurts me to know that I’m only worth his notice when he wants me to be, how must that be for the kids?  How must it be for poor Corde to be told to go away all day long, to not receive hugs and kisses like every other kid does?  Maybe that’s why she throws such a royal fit when we have to leave a place where people actually pay attention to her.  I get tired of having to be her only source of entertainment all day and all night.

I don’t want to do it.  I know if I kick him out I’m going to have to explain to his command why.  I’m going to have to explain that he never has time for the children.  All he ever does is tell them to go away.  I’m going to have to tell them how he never calls, especially when it comes to passing on information that I kind of need, like when he’ll be home.  I’ll have to tell them how he expects me to drop my entire life for him, yet he can’t be bothered to so much as do one simple task that he promised to do before he left, like load the dish washer.  I’ll have to tell them all the gritty details and tell them that he’s not allowed back until he sorts it all out.  This may be the end for us.  This may be the first of many steps to separation and eventual divorce.  I don’t like it.  I’ll be honest, I hate it.  However, I can’t live like this anymore.  I’m tired of suffering.  It’s time to move on with my life.

So with much sadness, I have to move on with my life.  I have to clean the house so that Krystal’s kids can come over tomorrow.  Since Caelan’s being useless, I’ll have to do it myself.  Why is that not surprising?  I have to go get milk at the very least.  I’m thinking of making that a quick trip the the shoppet

te because I just don’t have the energy for a full shopping expidition.  I don’t have the energy to clean right now.  I don’t have the energy to do damn near anything.  I’ve had an exhausting week and could really use a day of rest, but it’s obvious that’s not going to happen.  What else can I do?  Just pick up the pieces and move on.  That’s all that’s left.

~*~Raven Night~*~

Think happy thoughts…

1) Our concept for November Noir has been worked out.  We’ve got an entirely new concept.  I’m really excited about it.  It should be fun.

2) Kim was barely at the hafla.  She danced to a piece she’d been working on.  It was the same thing as always.  However, I danced my butt off and had a good time.  She showed just what kind of person she is by showing off.  I showed just what kind of person I was by just having fun!

3) After all was said and done at the hafla, Krystal, Gina, and I all sat around and talked for a while.  I think I’m really building some good friendships there.  For the first time in my life I feel like I can really be myself around other people, and not just Caelan.  I never have to worry about feeling judged.

4) Aris and Corde have been happily playing all day.  Aris is rarely out of the baby cage anymore when Caelan is around.  He doesn’t want Aris getting into everything.  Normally I keep him in the baby cage just so that I don’t have to worry about where he’s running off too.  I’ve usually got so much going on that I don’t want to be dashing around the house every five minutes, afraid that he’s on the stairs.  However, today he’s been out and about.  He’s been staying in the baby safe areas and seems to be happily grazing on cookies as he walks throught the house.  Caelan would never let him eat outside of his chair for fear of him making a mess.  Honestly, the house is already a mess.  What difference does it make?  This is perhaps the happiest and the most calm they’ve been in days.

5) My books finally came through Amazon!  I’ve got to finish the one I’m reading first, but then I can get back to the Cassandra Palmer series.  I swear, my life is so much better with books!  Now if only I could read them while I was doing other stuff like sewing or knitting…and I know, books on tape/cd…but it doesn’t work for me.  I always start to tune them out and I don’t know why.  However, there’s nothing like reading for a while before bed to calm the stressful nerves.

6) I could have sworn it started to pour when I laid my head down last night.  I could have sworn it was starting to rain, then downpour, but I can’t be certain.  It was as I drifted off, so it might have been a dream.  And everything was dry this morning, so I’m not entirely sure.  I should go check Wendigo’s bowl, because if his food dish is full of water, then I’ll know for sure.

7) I think I’ve finally gotten my hair at a length I like.  Or if not all my hair, than at least the hair framing my face.  I think it looks really cute.  Maybe a little longer would be good, but not by much.  I like it this way.  I think this is the first time I’ve ever actually liked my hair in my entire life!

8) Aris has been bartering for cookies all day.  I offer him a cookie and he gives me a toy.  It’s the cutest thing ever!

9) I talked to Kitty today for something like two hours.  It was great.  We may not be great friends, but I do miss her.  She’s cool people.  Once we get the house clean we should have a craft day at my house…kids and everything.  Or maybe just an end of summer party or something.

10) Chad’s going to be here on Wednesday!  I’m so excited!  I know this will give everyone the wrong idea about me, but it’ll be nice to have a male in my life that actually gives a damn about me!  I miss my male friends, especially Chad, Scott, and Dmitri.  it’s not because they’re male.  It’s not for any sexual reason.  They’re just different than my female friends.  They treat me differently.  They’re oddly more sensitive and caring.  They give out more hugs and cuddles when I need them most, almost as though they intuitively know.  There seems to be this thing with women that they’re not as accustomed to it with other women.  It’s just different.  Anyhow, yeah, it’ll be good to have him back.  I don’t care what other people say about it.