A Moment for Me

I did the self-blessing last night.  It was wonderful.  I felt truly relaxed.  I slept in, but this time I woke up feeling truly at peace with myself.  I got up, threw some clothes on, and began my day.  It went fairly well.  I felt decently at peace.  Corde didn’t harass me terribly much, which is new for her.  I was doing okay.

Then Caelan got home.  From pretty much the moment he walked in the door he was bitching.  First it was about the cereal Corde spilled all over the floor.  Then it was about the mess on the table.  He grumbled about lunch.  He bitched when I asked him to bring Aris downstairs and to change his diaper.  Apparently he feels like he’s the only parent around here.  When I told him a brief reason as to why I don’t clean, that I’d rather be seeing that Corde does something more than watch television or play alone in her room all day he flips out.  "I don’t see a school book out anywhere!"  What the fuck?  Because I didn’t put out a school book doesn’t mean Corde isn’t learning?  He bitched that if my knee hurts that much that I need to set up an appointment with a doctor.  Well, you know what?  It doesn’t!  The only reason I’m trying to avoid using my knee is because it was swollen.  If I give it a couple of weeks rest then I’ll be back to normal again and can continue life as normal.  I don’t want to be kneeling on the ground to change a diaper if I don’t have to.  I don’t want to go up and down stairs if I don’t have to.  I’m walking with only the slightest hint of a limp again, but that doesn’t matter.  I want to give it ample time to rest and get better.  It’s got nothing to do with how much pain I’m in.  Unlike Caelan, I try to be smart about my injuries.  If I do too much damage to my knee, I won’t be able to dance anymore.  Of course, he doesn’t care about that.  He’s proven to be very selfish today.  Then I told him about how I’m so bloody tired all the time.  I just don’t have the energy to clean because I’m tired all the time.  He gets on my case about that.  If I’m tired all the time then that’s abnormal fatigue and I need to talk to a doctor about it to get it fixed.  What are they going to do about it, honestly?  They can’t do anything about it.  I know exactly why I’m so tired all the time.  I spend my day running around after two children, which is a start.  I don’t think he realizes how exhausting it is to actually CARE for two children.  His solution is to put Aris in his playpen or in his room, then send Corde to her room and call it a day.  There have been days where I have to bitch at him for not feeding Aris because he let me sleep in so late and I couldn’t do it.  There have been times when Aris has been put to bed around six or seven and Caelan doesn’t even go into his room to check on him until noon.  Then he says that Aris is sleeping and he doesn’t want to disturb him.  Well, he shouldn’t wonder, then, why Aris is in such a foul mood and screams bloody murder when he gets up!  He’s so hungry he doesn’t know what to do!  Doctors can’t fix the blocked energy in this house because it’s so cluttered it’s suffocating.  I didn’t tell him how blocking off my altar like that only adds to my fatigue.  The energy that sustains me isn’t flowing right.  Why?  Because my altar is surrounded by a ring of junk that Caelan dumped there.  I don’t think he understands that a lot of the problem is spiritual and no doctor will ever be able to fix that.  Then there’s all the spiritual crap he dumps on me because he’s just so bitchy all the time.  I swear, I’ve never taken in more negativity from anyone else!

What kills me in all of this is I don’t know what brought it on now.  All I can think is that it has something to do with the self-blessing.  I took a moment for me and, as always, the world starts to fall apart around me.  I put myself in a better place and take a moment to make myself more spiritually fulfilled and all of the sudden Caelan is more suffocating than ever.  It’s like life has decided to conspire against me, to see if they can throw a few more challenges in my way in an attempt to get me down.  I’m not going to let it.  I needed that spiritual purge, that moment for myself.  I needed something to uplift me.  I needed something to give me strength and hope.  I needed something for me.

I’ve put a lot of things in perspective lately.  For starters, I don’t want Annie.  She’s amusing and all, but she’s just not someone I want in my life.  She has too many issues and is far too fickle.  It seems like if she can’t get something out of me than she doesn’t want me.  Maybe some day she’ll come around, but if I have my heart set on her, then I’m only going to get hurt.  It’s not me she wants, not really.  Move on.  My marriage is a lot more dark and damaging than I thought it was.  I’m starting to make some considerations.  I’m wondering if I can possibly make enough money to support myself with dance.  It’s not likely, but it’s worth a try.  I’m thinking of moving to Austin and being done with Killeen.  I’m not a very good Army wife at that, but in reality, I’m not happy here.  I’m happy in Austin with my friends and new-found family.  I enjoy it here.  I thought I wanted to move back home to Boston, but I was wrong.  I want to be here with the people I care about.  There is so much here for me.  I’m not sure where I’m headed just yet.  I’ll be honest, I’m not even sure that Caelan will be a part of that life.  Actually, if he keeps up with the way he’s been going, I can be fairly certain that Caelan will not be a part of that life, however I’m going to kep my heart and my mind open.  I’ve release my attachment to the outcome.  Whatever happens, happens.  If Caelan and I are meant to be, he’ll start working for that, or he won’t and it will fall apart.  Yes, it will be sad to have him drop out of my life.  It will be sad to move on without him.  I’m not going to lie, it will hurt like hell, but maybe it’s meant to be.  How can I know until it happens?  I don’t know.  All I do know is I’ve decided to live my life by my own actions and to hell with Caelan and his life.  He can either be supportive as I was supportive of his dumb decision to enlist, or he can simply walk away, bitching about his horrible wife and what a disaster I was in his life.  Either way, I’ll be living my own life and he will have to live with the consequences of his own decisions.

And Caelan and I just got into a blow-out fight…  Okay, I take that back, I yelled.  He sat and stared at his computer.  I got more and more upset.  He eventually just flipped shit and tried to blame everything on me because he works a full-time job.  Poor baby…  When I worked…which worked out to be more hours than he does on average due to the long ass train ride, I was still expecte

d to hold up my end of the work around the house.  I was expected to be the one who would pay any attention to the kids.  I was the one who made sure Corde got out and played with other kids.  I was the only one who even gave a shit.  Caelan?  He was fucking useless.  He was just there to make sure Corde wasn’t picked up by DSS because she was left alone in the house.  She spent all her time in time-out or in her room.  She still spends all her time in her room when Caelan’s home.  It’s aweful.  I hate it.

Anyhow, I need some positives right now.

1) I finally did something spiritually fulfilling for myself.

2) Caelan FINALLY changed the litter in the cat box.

3) Part of my evening "ritual" is going to be taking Wendigo for a walk.  That should help with his stiffness and would do both of us some good.  I miss going for long walks.

4) Corde’s finally starting to recognize her letters.

5) Aris "talks" to stuffed animals now.  It’s so cute!  He’s "talking" to a stuffed octopus right now!  It’s so cute!

6) No matter how bad things get, I can always cry…it’s amazing what kind of release that can be, even if it’s just alone before my altar at night, or in the shower.

7) The people that matter to me will be in my life no matter what.  Distance won’t break those bonds.  As a result, I’ve learned to let myself open up to love without the fear of having to leave those people behind when it’s time to move on.  It’s refreshing.

8) I’ve already turned the heel to the sock I’m making!  It won’t be long before my sock is done!  One more to knit after that and I’ll have a pair!

9) Caelan and I have made the decision to start eating at home.  As a result, I’ve been looking at recipes online.  My love of cooking is somehow renewed, which is pretty odd because I hated cooking there for a while…

10) No matter who stands in my way, be it someone I hardly know or my own husband, I will progress spiritually because I will be bound by no captor.

~*~Rave~*~