two

It’s been a while since I wrote anything. Every time I try to write, I get side-tracked or I just can’t put into words what I’m feeling. I’m so conflicted about everything right now. This pandemic has turned the world upside down. For everyone. I’m honestly having trouble adjusting and I don’t know how to think or feel. About anything. I’m surrounded by family (we came ‘home’ for the weekend), but I’m still feeling so lonely. My baby, Maddox (5), is laying next to me right now and as much as I want to just lay down, I can’t shut my brain off. It’s been a while since I felt this way too. I feel so disconnected to everything and I keep trying to hold on to things that I know are constants to me. My boys, my husband, my writing. I’m just scared. I keep trying to hold on tighter to them and trying to hold the moments still because time is going too fast. When I was younger, I couldn’t wait for this or that, but now I look at my boys and see them getting bigger. They’re not babies anymore and my heart breaks over it. I love the boys they’ve become, but I just want to freeze time. I want to not work and spend my time at home with them soaking up every scent, every muddy puddle, every hug and kiss, every sidewalk chalk art. I want to keep it close and never let it go. There’s already so many things I’ve forgotten and I hate it. That’s why I keep trying to take so many pictures. They help me remember when I can’t. I’m just cycling thoughts and trying to stop the tears because my mind is a complete train wreck right now. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep on my own so I’ll have to take something I guess. I’ll get back here soon. Promise. Below are some pictures of my babies. Frozen moments in time. They are my world. Maybe next time I write it won’t be so all over the place.