eight

Ugh. I feel like I’ve already failed at this whole blogging thing. I always want to write, and then it seems like I get distracted and before I know it, it’s been another month between entries. I used to write here all the time, but then they shut down the site. I lost all those entries from a lot of my teenage years and it’s a little disheartening. And now I have kids. I want to keep a record of all of the things that go on with us, but some how that ends up going by the wayside too. I might have to set an alarm or something and just dedicate that time to writing.

School is about to start back up and both boys will be going to school this year. Lance will be in first grade and Maddox in Kindergarten. It makes me sad thinking about my babies growing up so fast. I try and try to just savor the moments when I can. Anxiety and fatigue get to me a lot though. I don’t spend enough time with them. Well, I spend time with them, but not enough quality time.

We did get to go to the beach a couple weeks ago. With all this COVID shit going on, everyone has just been so cooped up inside the house. John’s mom has a cousin who just moved to Dauphin Island this year so they let us stay with them. It was nice to just get out and be away from everything. Bills, work, housework. Everything. I mean, I did have to work a little, but the signal on the island was pretty crappy so I didn’t end up getting to work much (which is probably for the best).

Work is work. I’m supposed to go back to work when school is safe to go back, but to be honest, I just really don’t want to. I do but I don’t. I hate missing out on things with the boys and having to pay someone else to watch my kids for me. John and I have talked about me just being a stay at home mom again, but we would have to seriously cut out a lot of things, whereas right now we at least have a lot of financial freedom. At least we will once we have student loans (and loans we have towards the house and fixing it to be livable). I’m so over being in debt.

When we moved to where we’re at now, we thought we were buying a relatively good house. Small, but good. Once we moved in, shit started breaking right and left. It was aggravating to pay what we did for this house just to have to fix everything up anyway. If I would have known then what I know now, we would have just paid a little more to have a house that was remodeled. I’ve honestly been looking at houses and WAITING for the day we can move again. Which could be within the next couple of years.

John’s parents are thinking about fixing their house up to sell and moving here where we live. Which would be super convenient for a lot of things. I’m sure it would take some getting used to, but overall I’m not opposed to it. We would have live-in baby sitters (more date nights and no having to pay daycare), they would put what they get for selling their house towards a down-payment for a nicer house, his mom cleans A LOT and one of the most important out of all of those is that the boys would have more time with their grandparents, instead of us having to drive 4 hours just to visit them and my parents. I’m sure we would visit my family for holidays, but it’s exhausting taking trips like that all the time.

Speaking of family, John and I are thinking about trying to have another baby. It’s kinda scary to think we’d be raising a kid so much younger than Lance and Maddox, but I’ve wanted a big family and we at least agreed to 3 when we talked about getting married/having kids. We would have had another after Maddox but things were so hard with Lance being autistic, we just wouldn’t have been able to give the baby as much time as we wanted. Maddox already didn’t get as much as we wanted to give him. I’m at least hoping that now the boys are a little older, they could at least help some around the house and with the baby a little bit.

I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to get pregnant anyway, to be honest. It took me 3 years to get pregnant with Lance. I think we only got lucky with Maddox because we started trying again not too long after we had Lance. We figured I might have trouble getting pregnant again, but as we found out, you’re apparently still pretty fertile after a baby. So we got pregnant very quick. Lance was six months old (to the day) when we found out we were pregnant with Maddox. So it would be great (and lucky) if we got pregnant again quickly.

I might stop here for now. I’m sure I’ll have more to write about whenever I come back. Life is crazy, so I shouldn’t have any shortage for words.