Unfinished letter

 Just a letter that I need to write but I’ll never send. 

My Dearest Belle,

Every evening I watch the sun set and I feel the cool breeze across my skin. 

I hear your voice inside my head, when I choose, I hear your voice again and again. I hear your voice mails that were left so long ago that you’ve most likely forgotten you even left them. Each time I listen to a voice mail, I remember the smile that played across my lips the first time I heard it. 

Every morning that I watch the sun rise, I feel the longing deep inside my soul for you. 

The first night we returned from Jasper, while you slept beside me, I looked over to you, watched you sleep, I whispered that I loved you. I knew the moment in Jasper, when you stood close to me by the lake. After your lips left mine, I wanted to say it then. 

I’ve never stopped loving you, and I never will. I often wonder if my love for you will stand in the way of me fully loving another woman. If I will compare her to you. If I will one day stand beside her, saying vows that I will forever treasure and wish it were you standing there, hearing my vows to you. I wonder if on that day, if my best man will look at me and know that it’s you I wish we’re there instead of her?

Will I waken one day and my love for you be simply gone?

I do not know. What I do know right now is that a piece of my heart is yours, some days I wish it were not true. Somedays I wish I never screwed up because I built walls around my emotions. Because I was scared and insecure about us. 

I wish, more than you’ll ever know, that I never made you cry and that I wish I could take back every single one of your tears because of me. 

If the day ever comes that you read this letter, know that it is because I still love you. 

I send you an email every year on your birthday, knowing that you most likely delete it without even reading it. I do this, suspecting that you delete it because I love you. Each email  is simple and to the point. Wishing you a happy birthday. 

I have to tell you something, I slept with her because I wanted to forget about you. I tried. The truth is, you were still front and foremost in my mind. Things that her and I did, I wanted it to be you that I was there with. 

The other day at work, I turned on a comput that I rarely used, it became apparent how rarely I use it when a photo of you and I by the lake was the screen saver. My colleague asked me if I was ok, I lied and say yes. I’m