Sleepless Nights.

The nights that I sleep more than a few hours at a time is few and far inbetween these months.

Every night I dream about Lady Love. Every night the dream is the same, the dream is different. Some nights I dream about her and I together when we are both in out 80’s and happy. Some nights I dream that I go to see her, to ask for her to stay in my life and she tells me that she no longer wants anything to do with me. Other nights I dream that I go to see her, I stand in the shadows and watch her as she walks out of a building, and her boyfriend meets her with flowers, the same flowers that are in my hands, only twice as many. She smiles at him in a way that she has never smile when seeing me. I stand in the shadows, my heart breaks even more, the flowers drop to the pavement followed by my tears.

In any of the dreams that I have where I cry, I wake and my pillow is damp.

Every now and then in the waking world, Lady Love and I talk. She asks me how I am doing and I lie to her and tell her that I am doing good. Sometimes I tell her that I am not sleeping.

"Why are you not sleeping?"

"Are you sure you want to know the answer to that question? What if the answer is one that will make you sad?"

"Why are you not sleeping? I want to know the answer."

"Because I dream of the days since we first met one another. I dream of the things that were, that are, that will never be."

Every now and then, in the waking world, Lady Love asks me how I am doing. She asks me how I am doing and I lie to her and tell her that I am doing good. Sometimes I tell her that I am still not sleeping. She asks me why I am not sleeping and all I say is, the answer never changes.

Every night, in the soft whispers of the escaping dreams, I tell her that I still am not sleeping.

~Sometimes, if you cannot get someone out of your head, perhaps that is where they are supposed to be.~
Unknown.

It seems to be that you are sincerely head-over-heels in love with this woman. Obviously. That didn’t need to be stated. It seems like it’s making you sick though. In all honesty, even though you have such strong feelings for her, you can get over her. It may be a good thing that you’re not together. I say this only because it’s not healthy to be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way you feelabout them. Love should be completely equal in a relationship. If it’s not, then the relationship is hard. Not to mention detrimental to your self-esteem and own mental health. Think of not being with her as the best thing that could happen to you. Maybe now you can find someone who will love you as much as you love them. It’s beautiful. It’s cosmic. The universe will give you a little push. I can feel it. Hope you get better. Or at least some sleep.

Maybe in my senile, decrepit age I will forgot my plan beforehand and start naming them Buttons. Or Teddy. Or worse.. Cat. I believe that there is someone for everyone. If not two or three. It’s easy to fall in love. It’s hard staying in love. I just want someone who is real and honest. I don’t think that my standards are that high. Obviously they are. Unfortunately, Ithink I am getting worse. And I am drinking tea! I have progressed into that stuffy nose phase where blowing it doesn’t help. Damn.

Yes. Northern states are where the real men are. I am thinking. They are nowhere to be seen around here.. Grandma’s always want to see their grandchildren off and happy. Or what not. Sometimes I feel like she’s being a little too pushy, but I understand why she pushes. My entry annoys me because I have an extra word in a sentence and used “poor” instead of “pour”. 😉 Finding people that can hold a stimulating conversation is not easy. Unless you enter your local Starbucks. Ha ha!

Texting is impersonal. It’s not the same as a conversation face to face. Plus, you have time to think about what you’re going to text. Whereas, face to face you have to come up with something quickly. It’s more genuine. I don’t know. North. Northern states. I get you, alright! I tried smoking. It did not work. Go figure. Maybe if I stopped thinking about finding someone, it would just happen. That sounds wrong though. I used to not care and had fun. I didn’t meet anyone then either. It’s all rather hard. What can you do, though?

Sometimes I just want to throw my phone away. Sometimes I just want to throw my laptop away. It’s so unnecessary. I have been using it a lot the past week though. I have no idea why. It usually is never turned on. What a shame. I don’t think it’s necessarily harder, but it is different. People used to meet people around where they lived and get married. Because how else were they going tomeet someone? Now, technology has made it where anybody can meet pretty much anyone they want. And that’s unfortunate. Now people can’t make up their minds. If I see another eHarmony commercial that states that 1 in 5 relationships start online, I will be sick!

I dropped out to do what I wanted too. Read the books I wanted. Not worry about going to class. Think how I wanted. Teach myself. Travel. Work. Meet new people, etc. Everything that college hindered me from doing. Which is a cope out, I suppose. College is for some people. I guess just not for me.

No, man. I guess I’m just somebody who is sick of all of this technological progressive bull****. I want to move somewhere desolate. Or maybe a commune. Think they advertise those online? I say, step out of your comfort zone. Unless you feel like what you’re doing is working for you. In any aspect of your life. If you feel like something isn’t working, then step out. Change it. Life is easy. I feel like I make it hard.